Days of rain and tears.

So I was sad. Because revival is coming. And revival is like war, with waves of bombardment, strategies, sacrifices, spies and hidden enemies, criticsm, unknown emotional outrages, physical, emotional and spiritual attacks. Just like those hawks in the war would do whatever they have to to get the things that they want. Things are happening around here. And when they do, we get caught by surprise.

Of course we were like those rookie soldiers when it started, crying for blood and yelling for land, we're gonna crush those like maggots, they have no idea who they're up against. I was pointing fingers and laughing at those who are to oppose us. It was great, tasting the first fruit of victory, those mud, sand, rain and the split blood of the enemies on our beaten bodies. There's no denying that we had some bad wounds from that, but nothing major.

Then like those nasty parts in war movies, it hit me. Storms and thunders, they came like waves of bombardment in Vietnam, nasty, real nasty. And the terrible part about it is that it is nothing too physical. It's like they're trying to play some sneaky mind games with us. Who's the bad guy, when's the next attack, some real bad insults, some real bad temptations, a few slaps in the face, some more naming and shaming, trying to break the troops, you know, nothing that they're never tried before. Old tricks worked just fine for them.

The grief was bad. I didn't even know why I'm crying. Bad sobs, like those people who choke when they cry. Tears just couldn't stop. Images flashes in your eyes. Sometimes good ones, some times it's just plain raw fear. Good ones when I thought of the victorious war, the glory that went to the country, when we can call up the rain and the sunshine, when He brought us through, He keep reminding me how great He has been to me. How much has been invested into my life that now we can be warriors, so proud and standing upright with good ammu and guns and bombs. When He put those stripes on our sleeves and the solluting with some awesome army coolness. The bad when the fear creeps in. Those lil' things out there are still trying to hit us. We have to be so cautious and keep our sore eyes open wide. We don't know who's the next one on their list. Who is the next one they're gonna use against us. Who are they trying to send away. Which one is the next to be forced away and be lost.

Then it came the big one. I might be the next one. I don't even know what make me think that way. It's not like anything you can see or hear or anything physical. It's plain raw fear. And the grief. The sore heart and beaten spirit suddenly become so heavy like we've been in war for years but it's just not ending. Those heavy load are the same but it seems like it's getting heavier. I would just cry, not knowing what I'm crying for. It's worse than normal sadness. That's why they call it depression. Grief, nothing more. You don't know what cause it. It's just tears.

It's like the rain, dark skies grey. We don't know where it comes from, or when will it end, sometimes it goes on for so long we even forgot when did it start. And we get so numb that we don't know anything about it but it just sad to see it rain. And I was just about to be drowned by the grief and the rain.




Then I see the rainbow, and I'm ready for war again.


-Eva-