the feeling of loss

such long empty time since the departure... and the soundless arrival. what've happen in between? The normal day hectics, a few on going songs playing, the continuous seeking the face of the Lord and yes, God's grace...the joy He brought, the tears and laughter, the only one that I can express myself fully to...admitted my foolishness, placing my burdens...pouring my heart.

how can I put this in words... how should I pour it out right here? my loss..my loss in stringing words. He's leaving. Ignorance...my ignorance stopped me from knowing so..over the years, drawing distance in between us. creating emptiness. pursuing silence. my stupidity...those miles apart, was it just a trailer leading finally to our movie... should have known so.

A joke...yes a joke that reveals my ignorance. of me placing myself in the cocoon of my dreams. fantasy. It would have been better if there weren't any in the first place..or would it had been worse if it had not been any. the happiness in the hope gave me... it is enough for me to take the fall willingly, endure the distance, wait in his silence.. a fickle of smile, an one-word message. I've forgone my dignity, my intelligence, my rationality, my understanding. what is life without love? what is life without hope?

distance...i have suddenly decided to wait on the distance..such courage can only come from innocence. will this be the last time i let my random insanity overrule my senses. the hope. all this while I clinged on his existent...this distance. please break my hope. I could not stop. call it my wild dreams. say it's just a rush of mindlessness. tell me this is not happenning...bring me back to before knowing him.

so many times I pondered. what do I want out of this... as I speak, I wonder...will I be more cheerful if this portion can be eliminated from me.. ignorance is bliss...or is ignorance anotther excuse I made for myself. where am I now. caught again in the middle of this mess I made. my thoughts, let it swirl around me. consume me. dissolve me. break me. free me.

uncontrollable tears...

Half a globe apart. can I wait on you... wait on the Lord. Let this be a time of serenity. stay in this place waiting until my license to depart. I've missed you...



-va-