"Oh, so I'm Nancy..."

Quote:
"We've been like Sid and Nancy for months now."
"Summer, Sid stabbed Nancy, seven times with a kitchen knife, I mean we have some disagreements but I hardly think I'm Sid Vicious."
"No I'm Sid."
"Oh, so I'm Nancy..."

. . . . .

Hey I never thought that I would write this letter. But again, I probably wont sent it anyway. I don’t think I ever want anyone to know this. Maybe it’s because we have always been this way.
So here it goes.

I think I changed. And I have never liked changes. I would always look back in my past and wish I hadn’t change at all, it doesn’t matter if it is for the better or for worse. The ironic part is, I have changed things that I don’t want to change and the ones that I want to change remains the same.

For instance, I am not as cheerful and bubbly. Now I think I have this hatred and desire for vengeance boiling inside me. I am less friendly, sometimes I’d rather just be rude and offensive. I think less of good things and trust me, it’s not by choice. Somehow somewhere along the road I lost the longing to be home, the passion for that glimpse of hope and picked up this vulgarly fierce hag. I am sceptical when I should be positive, cruel when I should be nice, tired when I should be energetic. My unshaken faith happens less and less. The change is so evident that I thought someone must have poisoned me. And these are the things that changed.

My fears did not changed. They didn’t even quiver. As if the change in me occurred in a totally different territory. I am still afraid of the dark, keep all the windows and door tightly locked. I still have this warning that rings up telling me I should avoid these boys ‘cause I don’t want to wake up one day, married, and regretting the first moment I open my eyes and see the face of the person sleeping next to me. I am still doubtful of “us”. I still hold on to the belief that you should live like a teenager while you are, doing all the crazy things I did. I hope you are, because I’ll be Jack and you’ll be Eva. But I hope you aren’t because that didn’t last. The other thing that didn’t change is sometimes I still feel like parts of me belong to you, and you to me somehow. It happens once in a while.

I still miss my best friend, unsure of that if I love him. These are the things that changes and did not. I wonder if you would still take me. And if you would, what would I do.

written: 1 week before this post.

Twilight

I know we are just human. And I know human can easily love, hate, long, despise someone. Or in my case, something. Even though it is so unreal..I was quick to obsess over this fantasy. A story.

Just like this blog. It began with obsession. The only reason that can explain my absence for such a long time is just another obsession has assert itself between me and this secret place that I try to run. I had a new secret place. I wonder if it still exist.

I started reading Twilight last Sunday. That is two days after I watched the movie. It opened a door, and I walked in. This frenzy of passionate, almost sacred love washes over like waves of La Push. Not even halfway through with Twilight, I know I am hooked.

Sleep became irrelevant unless that is the only way that I can keep reading. Food was an annoyance, I hated the fact that I am just human, and food yanked me out of my new secret place again and again. For seven whole days, I only allow myself out of the door once. When I thought my laptop was going to give up on me, I refuse to shut it down just because I was afraid it won't start up again - and with that, will seal my only doorway to my secret little town of Forks for sometime. The idea of not being able to be in that world that only exist in Stephenie Meyer's book made me flinch at the pain.

I would turn on the Twilight movie soundtrack and let it loop while I read. The yearning, longing, pain and other complex emotions that flows in the tunes sets everything in its mood.

In Twilight, I.. I, obsessed over the intense curiosity of Bella towards Edward. Curiosity - with a hint of averse - morph into the first stage of love. Then it grew unrestrainably into a love so strong it was sacrificial. It was unhealthy. I let myself soak in every scene, breathe in every scent, sway with every inaudible lullaby. Though the emotions were not strong enough to bring tears, but definitely contained enough of me that I squeal and shriek in tense pages, chuckle and went all giddy over the happy pages, pant with adrenaline pumping in my blood... It was a odd feeling, like Bella finding the meadow, walking into the deadly addictive scenes with caution - but never returning - and lurch into this dark water of love so sacred that it is considered...an impossibility.

New Moon was a stronger drug to me. Physically, mentally - and in all other aspect of life - draining. The initial hints were like flashings of approaching nightmare. The raw fear of lost love. Every sob every hint of pain written in words was never so real, as if my knees and my heart are giving out at every reminder that the reason of existent was lost. Gasps and chokes of tears were inevitable. It made me feel like if it was me, I would be exactly the same. I would be just as numb; I would scream if they make me leave Forks; I would provoke the positively dangerous bar crowd just to hear his voice, I would buy the bike, and jump off the cliff. I would flinched at memory of his face, the sound of his name, every place that brings back the memory will be just as much pain as it had been to Bella. And yes, by the end, I would love him just the same.

Eclipse is not my favourite book but it held my favourite line and it was not said by any of my favourite character, it was true to me. I was left in a state as emotional fragile as if the exact same thing had happened to me. The unconscious protective layer that was pulled up like a cocoon covering a baby was a painful reminder of New Moon but I knew and truly understand that wounds need time to heal. The vampire, the werewolf and the girl torn in between, I'd never like the idea of a love triangle, but I was too far gone. One thing that I can be sure, was that Bella would be with Edward again, he is her reason of existent and she is his. No matter how much Jacob was Bella's personal sun, "The clouds I can handle. But I can't fight with an eclipse."

Breaking Dawn came after that, of course, there were explanation needed for things left unexplained, loose strings need to be knotted, a happy ending was bound to come. The marriage was heartwarming, rediscovering an almost ancient idea of decency and pleasantness in the already passionate relationship was simply endearing. His immortal flaw complimenting her mortal determination, and her mortal fragileness fitted into his omnipotency perfectly. Her pregnancy and struggle to keep the little nudger was heart cleanching. The labour and the resurrection enforces my belief in her will power. And I loved every second of her immortality - even with the underlying risk. A shield, her talent though was a surpise, was not unpredictable. It was still one of my favourite part of the story. As the triumphant victory unfolds, I sank with a heart so heavy like a granite was heaved at me. I miss every bit of it.

'Tis, my obsession.

Go out much?

Indeed I am stepping into the age of 20, an age which young ladies in the old English days would 'be out' as in gatherings, dances, recitals, concerts and performances of other kinds, to meet people and hopefully get married. In my case, I do wonder how my parents can come to be like Mr. & Mrs. Bennet in Pride & Prejudice.

That day when we were out for breakfast in BM town, my father, mother and I that is, bumped into a colleague who used to work in the office next to ours, Miss T. She is such a sweet person, chatty and nice. Then as if the topic is bound to come into sight, she said, "Oh, your daughter has certainly grown up beautifully." *Thank you, Ms. T* and as followed, they discussed with excitement very much alike to the Bennets when they spoke about suitors for the Miss Bennets. Of course, Miss T and my parents did not speak with skillful language of English, they just talked about it like they are discussing the stock market.

As I did not tell my parents about whatever is going on on my side, they assumed that I had not anybody at all who had throw himself at me. Not that there are anyone who literary throw but I daresay my *market history* is not all that bad. So I since I had un-crosslink my blog, I think it is pretty safe to talk about it here. You who read shall bring it to your grave if you will.

Here goes, names will be censored. So number one, there was the accomplished senior from high school and his friend, the freaky home science teacher who tries to convince me to be his mistress, indeed, EW, the guy whom I owe a double prosperity burger to, and the guy who appears very frequently in the beginning of my blog and some other few guys whom I am keeping it to myself as a respect to their privacy and mine. And yes I am still very disgusted by the teacher. He should be sued and shot.

Anyhow, I prefer my bed, laptop, home theatre, guitar, and newly done garden for now. I don't think I can take any heavy dose of tragedy before my departure. Plus, my future, whatever it may be and whoever will be in it, it's totally up to my Father, the One who lives upstairs. I trust that He reserved the best for me.

With love,

Baba

Eva *hearts* Joshua

Yes. Eva is no more single and available. Haha~ meet my boyfriend!!! Joshua Chan has officially stolen my heart. He is FIVE years old and AGE IS JUST A NUMBER.

Guess what Joshua was on the news, which I found the online version as well. It's no big news but he's the little guy sitting on his daddy's lap in the 2nd photo on the right column. With grandpa Chan and my brothers-in-law.

Joshua on news

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Eva: Joshua, I want to go home already. Bye bye.

*Joshua pecks Eva on the cheek*

*Eva hugs Joshua*

Joshua: kiss me lah~!

*Eva pecks Joshua on the cheek*

...10 minutes later...

Joshua: Daddy~!!! Eva kissed me!

Hahahaha *pengsan*

Joshua: Bye bye Eva!!!

Eva: Bye bye Joshua!!!

1, 2, 3!

*Kiss*

*Blow*

*Catch*

*Keeps in the pocket*

~Eva~

The Davidsons

Dearest readers, so sorry for not updating this blog. It must be real bad to let you guys see the same page every time you click on this link. Well, I've been kind of busy. Since now I have to work 9-6 everyday - well, almost, and still hanging strong to my usual activities. Then, of course, Aunty Phaik came to visit, 10 days...it's one of her shortest trip back here. I'm missing my cousins so badly now...

It was really nice and warm and enjoyable and homey to have the house crowded with people, plus a baby running around shouting "BON!" at every Chinese he sees. I'm so in love with these guys that I have to dedicate this post to writing about my relatives.

We have been having meals together and spending so much time together that the house seems so empty. I just love having them around. I miss the noise, the shopping, staying up till late at night, watching loads of good movies, laughing our heads off, chatting in the kitchen, eating non-stop, dancing like crazy people with Emily, talking about movies, wars, guns and stuff with Shauny and bargaining like a tigeress scaring everybody. AND flying the young and crazy around in mummy's RAV.

Aunty Phaik Ying is so sweet and nice that I don't really mind sacrificing my room for them and we're not really so uneasy around Uncle Mark now that we have all grown up and have less problems forming a proper English sentence. Seeing them almost felt like taking English exams when we were small. It was great fun having Emily around, we get to shop almost everyday and I get off days to go out with Aunty and family. It's so different from the last time they came back. Shaun definitely had grown quite a bit. And I just have to admit that he has good taste on movies! I really enjoyed his company for the whole 10 days. Andrew was a darling. Still as adorable when we first met, such a sweet smile he has. Ethan is a really cool baby. Even though he called me Bon for the first 9 days. Can't help missing him 'cause he called me "VA!" before we left for the airport.

It was really funny because by the end of the holiday everybody just can't stand Ethan calling everyone "BON", Bonnie, Gemmie and Shaun just grabbed hold of the baby and start pointing and me and keep telling Ethan "say Va" "baby, say Va." "Va.." "Va." Just when Shaun finally gave in and baby start walking off, baby mumbled..."Va." *ROAR OF LAUGHTER*. What a cool baby.

I love you guys. Oh man. Missing my cousies so badly... Wuah~~~



-"VA!"-

heartbeat

How long has it been since I was mesmerize by the dimmed light through the curtains? How long have I missed you and find that you are gone? I fumbled when you are not around, stumble and fall, stutter when people swam around me. You are there and I am here, nothing speaks as clearly as the distance itself. I wondered where would you be, not realizing that you live in my heart, complementing my each breath. I thought we are so far apart that I would not feel the mild scent of your presence. How would I know, that your reflection, it projects on me. All I have to do is just turn back and I will see you again.

Maybe we should just let the past be the past. The past! We can't ever go back again. So helpless, so helpless, I cannot go back in time to fall in love with you once again. Troubled, just like the white clouds are messing with my blue sky. If we are not meant for each other, to depend on together forever, to walk every path and share each steps of life, I pray for at least, the courage to miss those moments and the right to embrace you again, just to make you understand the remaining marks of my heartbeats. My heartbeats on you.

How I often wish to see you again, that I even tried to ask around about how you've been, where'd you go. How am I to know that you live in me, protecting my memories.


-whitegirl-

找个人谈恋爱吧！Go go, lovers!

开心！是非常开心。我的暑假好漫长喔~ 还没开始我已经在担心会太无聊，所以索性找了份工作，当当妈妈的得力助手。哈哈~ 不错的头衔，百万保险代理员的助手。多亏老板娘的厚待，我的工资是个漂亮的一千元，既是差不多新台币一万元。对于一个还未上大学，游手好闲的我，真的还一点也不差。

车子是有啦，一辆惹火的 AUDI A4；青春是有啦，最后的 Teenage。一个人走在大街上，信心是一点也不比人家少。好漫长的假期呀~！找个人恋爱吧！找个爱我的，讨我开心的，可爱的人， 恋爱吧！他会让我靠着他的肩膀看电影，让我跟他抢着吃泡面，打篮球时欺负我，开车时有点酷酷的，跟我在一起时却是可爱的。哇，好漂亮的画面啊~

好男人死光光啦~ 哈哈~ 在想象之外的世界哪儿找啊~ 不纳闷，我却不纳闷。因为我找到了我的他。他无所不在，好浪漫，好浪漫，我唱歌时，他会坐在我面前，用那明亮的眼，仿佛我的歌声是最美好的。若我发现他不见了，我会担心，他却会从我的背后拥抱我，让他的体温让我放心休息。无论我去那里，他都跟我在一起。同时，我也喜欢跟着他，不能失去他，我的每一分，每一秒。我不开心时，会把头靠在他的胸前，喃喃的对他倾述，让他的手放在我的肩，松松的拥抱，脚步在那原地上轻轻题踏着，好像在跳舞。

他的心又是充满慈爱的，又是感伤的。爱，是爱我的；伤，是背我的。我爱他，是多么多么疯狂的。我的每一天，每一次呼吸，都为他颤抖着。他爱我，是多么多么得让人心痛。他的每一天，每一次呼吸都是咬牙切齿的，每一个身上的伤，每一个心上的痛，都是为我，以让我可以多享受那一点点的喜乐。他是我的耶稣，我爱，深爱的耶稣。我爱你，是好爱好爱你。


-被你溺爱的她-

我与宅男有个约会

标题已经写完了我要写的。

*冒汗*


-Va-

与博客过的一个夜

她也就像任何一个普通的女生。在夜里，穿上了一件稍旧的 T-Shirt，一件一样旧的运动裤，湿湿的头发盘坐在电脑前不如一回事的嘀嘀嗒嗒的打了一篇又一篇的部落各。手指的动作是如此熟练，仿佛失去了那份原有的悸动。谁又知道心急的她是在挣扎着把那片心情放上那无人浏览的网址。无人浏览的那空间，不是为了让人了解，只求那份心情可以找个地方，自由妄想。

他也就像任何一个普通的男生。在夜里，穿上了稍旧的夹克，一件一样旧的短裤在公寓的花园和那一班老朋友聊些有的没的。人字拖在那石地上踢踢踏踏的，走过了她那片心情。他的步伐是如此的不在意，仿佛稍微失去了旋律。谁有知道他即将离去，去那好遥远好遥远的离去。无人了解的距离，不是让人心碎，而是让人回想，思考，冲刺，再去追求那梦想。

她也不过是比别人较情绪化一点点，想得较多一点点，性格较不同一点点，文字较复杂一点点。不是一种打扰，至少她希望她不是他生活上的干扰，只是不时会想要谈谈天；在他回家时，跟他去看看电影，尴尬一下下。一份不知去路的感情，没有负担的爱情，久久一次的温情，和稍微越轨的友情。这样就够了。这样就够了。

他也不过是比别人较颓废一点点，想得较深一点点，性格较与众不同一点点，文字较少一点点。不是一个困扰，至少他只是她的一个困扰。不时会想要弹弹吉他；在她想跟他聊天时，说说一些生活上的一点点，不时偷偷暗示他好想好想她，想跟以前一样，带她回家。一份不知所措的感情，没有防范的爱情，不时不时地殷勤，和稍微特别的友情。好像还不错的呢。好像感觉不错的。

博客的她好怀念那个好久不见的他。好紧张在这周末会见到他吧。会怎么不同吗？还是跟以前一样，有着那甜甜的尴尬。


-梁毓华-

White Love Story

White Love Story

애즈 원

커피프린스 1호점 OST

처음엔 알지 못했어
나를 보는 그대의 그 눈빛이
왜 그렇게 안타까웠는지

언제나 묻고 싶던 말
아주 조금 내 맘 알고 있는지

한번도 얘기한 적 없었지만

이젠 아는데 그대도 나처럼

하루하룰 헤매였던 걸

잠들 수 없이

너무 아파했었다는 걸

손을 잡아요다

시는 그대 놓지 않을게

사랑해요 내가 숨쉬는 날까지

그대로 멈춰버렸죠

나에겐 늘

모질게만 대하던 그대가

날 보며 웃어주던 날

이젠 아는데 그대도 나처럼

하루하루 헤매였던 걸

잠들 수 없이

너무 아파했었다는 걸

손을 잡았죠
다시는 나를 놓지 말아요

사랑해요 내가 눈감는 날까지

울지 않아요 이제 그대

내 곁에 있으니

고마워요 이렇게 모자란 내게

그대를 선물해줘서

........................................................................................................................................................

I didn't know when I first met you, why I get so flustered when you look at me. I've always wanted to ask, if you understood just a little of my feelings, even though I've never told you. How you were always a wonder to me, the way you are, far apart yet fit so well in every picture. Your words still resound in my mind whenever I hear this song.

Now I know how we are all the same, just as lost and walking about in our lives alone. Just like others, share thoughts that keep us from sleep. I tried to know you more, walked every place that you have been before, try every taste and meet the same people that you have met. With my pace, hoping to finally catch up with you one day, and share our walks later. Hold my hand, and I will never let go of you again. I love you, as long as I breathe.

Things stood still when you, who always had been so quiet and distanced, smiled a me that day. I was so surprised and glad that we are friends, connected with the briefest moments. And now I understand, how we are the same, just as lost and somewhat confused, a little afraid of the future. Hold my hand, never let go of me again, I love you, till the day I close my eyes in rest.

I will be fine, knowing that you are by my side. Thank you, for giving me, who is not worthy, the gift of your presence in my life.

-white girl-

welcome home~!

Did you know, I had this dream before, where I smiled when I woke up. I remember it well, I was in the National Service then. It must have been more than one year ago from now. You called to say you have arrived safely in KL then. It was just that brief. You in the car, the city scene start filling the view of the window beside you, you had the phone to your ear and said you are in KL already, probably with a smile.

I woke up smiling. It's just a pure joy that warmed me from the inside. In the mist of neatly lined-up beds and the weather somewhat colder because we are far from the city. I could imagine other girls being all clingy and teary when that someone special is leaving; but I simply cannot deny the joy to know that my someone special is after his dream and while we are far apart yet somehow so knitted in understood terms and such strong faith that we would be together again.

And here we are now, you have finished your studies and heading for somewhere further and a dream bigger. Yet I still have the same faith and same addiction to you. I'm struggling for words now to type out the utmost happiness that you have came to me and said "I'm back in Penang.". To think that you have turn to give me these words, it is just so surreal. You had always come and go without letting me know, with such a personality so careless and slow.

Even if it is the smallest action, I am just so glad that you have given me the privilege to take a small step into your life. Welcome home, I would shout to the apartment tomorrow. =P



-tree-hugger-

love song

I fell in love with love songs lately. They sing it so well as though they are telling their own story. I wonder how will our love song sound like, then I wonder how will it be possible to put all that happened in a song of mere minutes yet it seemed like each song say enough to tell the whole story.

I especially love song that come with a deep cut in the heart, no matter how sanguine I appear to be, I appreciates the melancholic part of me. Love songs became an addiction, the way they sing with so much emotion that it is painful to listen, yet at the end of the song you find yourself smiling with tears. How could we be fighting fiction all along but end up being a part of the story ourselves? Could we have been like those in the songs?

Maybe it was just me all along. I thought I was simply looking at a beautiful picture in a gallery, to have look at it so often that you became more than a habit. A distanced admiration that I cling on to so much. Till the distances dissolves in, till barely anything is left to keep the mildest relationship, but it was too late. However much it burdens my heart, no matter how much struggles were made, you became too painful to be let go of.

Waiting upon your return every time, for the light to shine through your windows. To pray for you each night, to take a detour back to every place that we share the briefest memories, to speak to you through the wind in the softest voice, and above all the faith that I keep in something so vague. I enjoyed every moment of it. Be it alone or with you. I try to remember every smile, every detail, everything that I can, fearing to lose any bit of it.

I will be sure, be brave and be wise, to love you as you should be loved, with every ounce of strength and support I can muster. To wait upon each one of your returns.



-someone else-

Dear you, miss me.

I'm just so happy, so glad that you are coming back. I've always been the one asking, "when are you coming back?" That's because I'm always nervous and don't know what to say. It seemed right to ask. This time, you replied "Very soon," And I don't know how to react. Very soon. This week? Oh...must be this weekend. And I was really happy, I sat where I always sit, and I turned back to see the place that you always occupy, right at the back, near the door. And nope.

But I was not disappointed, I smiled. Hmm...now you're making me think. A cheeky trap. But I am just so happy, whenever it is, it will be very soon. Then I saw you again, and I asked, "What's so dangerous?" And you said "You." And I smiled and asked again, "When are you coming back?" and you said, "very soon" So I waited. I shouted to your apartment from the highway on my way home, "Come home!" And I smiled, because I know you are, very soon.

It is Sunday again, maybe I'll see you in church today. I went and sat where I sat, so happy afterwards when they need my help at the back. I'd be much closer to you if you are home. But you aren't, but I smile, I must have been thinking too much about you, why esle would I care so much. I even blushed for the first time.

Whenever "very soon" maybe, I'll be waiting just right here. Dear you, miss me.



-white girl-

slow =P

Of course we are slow, I don't blame anyone else. I just realize how slow I can be sometimes! Two whole days! That's how long it took for me to go whoopie over his return. It's almost as long as DHL takes to send my letter to New York! For two days I had been waking up late in the morning, had simple meals and watch too much TV. The happy hormons didn't even got pumped into my brains! Am I slow or what?!


Then it kicked in about just 5 minutes ago. I have no idea what hit me. It's just. "Whoopie~" He's coming home! And there was a leap in my tummy, we're going for movies, and I'll be seeing him on Sundays, and I hope he can make it for Fu's party. And he said I look lovely~ Wow... Ha..woa...


Then just as soon as it came it went away for a while, then it came back. I just can't help smiling. No matter how long we have to go, 2 years, or 4 years, I will always be happy to when I know he's coming home. Even if in the future, when I'm not around, I'll still pray for his mercy journey, home to see his family. And hopefully that would be the time when I can come home too.


Whatever it may be, he'll be a great joy to me. Even if we may only meet once a year, or we'll both be busy for the rest of the year. A simple conversation across the globe would bring me smiles and sunshine. Maybe I'll still be running this blog, crossing its five years birthday, still writing about all the small small things that I could not forget. I'll still go whoopie in whatever country I maybe studying then, in my own small room, in front of the laptop. Whoopie, he's going home, and I'll be home a few days before him or after him, anyhow, I'll be seeing him again.


I am just happy to hear from you again, and to see you again, do you know that? No matter it is five years or ten years away, I'm just glad that you will be back.








welcome home,
-white girl-

Thus the sun shines~

It was no good weather before this, my hair couldn't fall in the right place; the air in the room always gloomy and filled with sleepiness; I can hardly find a good show on the tv. Even my spiritual life was somewhat dull, I prayed for fresh fire. The divine led me to read the book of Job, a book which seemed so 'at the bottom', when all are lost. I would not have made it through without the slightest reminder from my Abbah Father.

I've always believed in miracles, sometimes half-heartedly, but I do believe. Of course, Daddy has been generous, like He always did. Thus the sun shines. He must have sent angels, smoothen my path, warmth my night and held my hand. We might have even dance together. He made the sunshine, bringing in mildest joy, in bits and pieces. Joy of family, friends, the word, the light, some achievement which he made possible, all these were not my work, but His, and He made them mine.

There's the joy of daddy waking me up in the morning, joy of deciding to really study in the library, joy of helping a stranger with the smallest effort, joy of being a good friend and sister and the joy of sharing this joy. God has made it possible.

And one thing that had been such grace, such change that I cannot describe. We met again, had small talk again, longer than usual. He must have been in a good mood. The conversation was so fluffy I can hardly imagine the real him saying it. We would both die from blushing if he did. So I prayed, that God would be the guidance in our relationship, be it friendship or whatever it may be. May God be the center of our focus, not one another. That's how it would last, in the purest love. Like those when the earth first began.

He spoke, thus the sun shines;

He tapped me on the shoulders, thus the sun shines;

He woke me up with His words, thus the sun shines;

He brought him into my life, thus the sun shines;

He clears my doubts, thus the sun shines;

He is my Father. Thus, the sunshine.

He smiled, he smiles, I smile; we love. Thus, the sunshines.

-va-

gibberish

I'm really happy, very much giddy. Among the butterflies in my stomach and puffy clouds in my mind, I think I feel some heartache and the feelings that can't be describe in words... I want you to go, the satisfaction of you in pursuing your dreams is the utmost happiness I can find in me. Knowing you are doing what you like to do drives me to go forth to achieve my ambitions. Somehow I find the faith to believe that we would be fine, just like how we are now. You will still be away working hard for your future, one that I hope I can share and I will be wherever I am to pray for you every night.

Dear Lord, please let him have all the joy and happiness, may he always find favour in Your eyes. Let him walk in Your way, according to Your will and always be faithful to You. Bless his family, though they may be far apart, let them always be in harmony and filled with love and care from one another. May You always be with him, every step that he takes. Thank you for Your blessing upon the man whom I care for. Amen.

Somewhere in me, a belief sparked, I believe that we would be like this, till a day when we shall meet again, it would be God's timing for us. For now, I will wait, in silent faith and prayer that you would always be fine, no matter where you are. May you find love.

A sense of sadness suddenly hit on me after I typed the last sentence. A loud pang on my head. May you find love. And the Father said, "I did not give you a spirit of fear," No matter how much I would hope for an assurance that never came, I shall have my trust upon you, upon God. That we will meet again, and we would be in better position to love and be loved. I will miss you, always. And so I will wait.



With love and prayer,
me.

爱君如梦

不准我讲请准我想像
梦到底比真实欢畅
别又何哀聚又何欢
相拥一刻梦不梦想

知得太多便换来失望
梦至少比醒来开朗
醉亦无伤累又何干
只想找一双手臂当床暂时让我躺

爱若是沉重
开心不过能做梦
就算超出可担当的体重
巴掌也都不痛
分手也都不痛
但掠过梦中亦会面红

爱字极沉重
因此只要能做梦
就算穿不起新衣都不冻
相恋要多英勇
分手有多苦痛
暂时就当我们都愚蠢
何必被猜中

我只记得
快乐如闪电
梦里摆一千场喜宴
要是明天再没明天
不必想起爱的缺点
不敢妄想被别人倾慕
但至少可真实一舞
美梦成真 美梦成假
不管真假举起了脚步
暂时未跌倒

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爱君如梦。




-无名-

a cropped scene

This is a cropped scene from somewhere familiar, yes, Fu, it's your expected post. Haha... The story goes like these.

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So, it was some time ago, after some holiday season, half of our party had to leave for somewhere else again. It was this wonderful day that we had promised to go groceries shopping together, yes, we were desparate to spend time together, at least I was. So desparate that I went at 12a.m. and got back at 3a.m. the day I got back home. I had no nap that day. Okay, back to the story, so we went together, Tesco. =D

We all got there almost at the same time, we as in, me, Pam, Yan, my godbrothers, Fu and Li, as close as a real brother, the real brother himself - Ian and oh...him. Of course the people who really had to shop was just Yan and me but it was very heart-warming for me to have the whole gang going out before I really leave. I had to head back to the camp that day. *sigh*

Well, it wasn't much of the company and all though. Ian shopped with me, the rest with Yan, Pam did come over and walked with me for a while and took a picture but that's it. We only met with the whole party before getting the trolly, at the instant noodles rack and after I paid, we met up at the register and I went off. I wasn't disappointed in any way at all but was certainly not happy with the fact that I'm the one leaving soonest...

And we didn't really said a thing at all. Probably because I didn't know what to say at that time. I am always dumbfounded when he is around and I think the whole wide world discovered that already. So that was it. I was leaving, saying goodbye to everyone. Hugged Pam.. and okay, whatever I might hallusinate about was probably not coming so I turned. With Ian by my side and let out a sigh.

"Eva,"

"Hmm?", I turned back.

"Take care.", he said.

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There you go. That's all for now.

-white girl-

Thus lay the golden sandal..

Being a princess is no easy job...can't say I'm one, but hey, I ain't have a thing to complain about. Got the car, the house, the gadgets. All I'm waiting for is just for the cute prince to come sweep me off my feet unto the white horse and ride into the marvelous sunset.

In the mean time, I guess I'd still have to do some singing in the small hut in the woods, with my fellow cute animals, a couple of sparrows and a chipmunk, maybe a deer and a few rabbits. It's not easy you know, the waiting part. Nuh-uh, growing the hair and singing the same song...lol. Except I don't do any of that.


Okay, this is the real part of my fairy tale.

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1. I'm eighteen, with quite well-off parents, living in a nice house just slightly away from the buzz of the city.

2. I don't have a chipmunk, but I do have a maid, as tiny as a chipmunk, and as annoying sometimes. Other times, she's great help to me.

3. I don't have any pumpkin-like carriage, but by terms of law, I do have an '96 Audi A4 that can count as a carriage.

4. I have a closet of clothes, not sewn by gifted wild animals, but bought by my parents, my siblings and some by my own salary.

5. I don't go around taking care of dwarfs, cleaning up their hut and arranging 7 beds, but I do teach, a standard 5 kid English and get paid for that.

6. I don't sing "A True Love's Kiss" every morning. But I love singing in church. I'm no opera soprano...more of a guitar person.

7. I don't have soliloque facing the camera, instead I write 'em all down in my blog - which only my friends read.

8. I don't have evil stepmothers or stepsisters, but my parents turn frantic once in a while.

9. When they do, my fairy godmother is always my friends, they're always ready to listen.

10. There's no sad orchestra background music when I cry, only loud pop/rock songs from bands like MCR, Boys like Girls and Dashboard Confessional.

11. The faith in true love's kiss in fairy tales is exactly the type of faith I have for Jesus, my happily ever after.

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So if I do sum it all up, I am living in a fairy tale, my fairy tale, would you wanna be a part of it? I caught you peeking a few times, y'know? *winks*

-va-

Never give up on someone you can't go a day without thinking about.

I guess forgetting to think about someone is a gradual process. I won't say it has been going on for two year...it certainly did not seem that long. He's a habit, just like some people bite their nails, I would just so unconsciously drift my thoughts to him. He's my daily prayer item. Let him be well and happy. Let his family be close and always harmonious. May his studies be fine and may he find favour in God's eyes. Amen.

We had not seen each other for months. Haven't had a conversation for months as well. But there is no doubt that I miss him and will always do. I would wind down the car window to say good morning when I pass his old apartment. I can always recall him calling me after I had turned to leave and said a quiet "take care." How I wish time would just go round replaying the happy moments. Under such desparate disconnection from the outside world, we had been friends and always had our small talks. May it be under his sympathy or just to keep track that I stay faithful as a fellow sister. It was a memory worth keeping for me.

Maybe we will meet again. It would probably be another farewell, off to the states, half a globe away. Or will I miss it like I did during his last one. We will part as friends. Soon I would depart too, for some other journey of my own. An opposite direction of where you'd be heading. Would my dependent on you be clearer in our regret...

My memories in you might fade and soon this habit might go away. But before it does, I want to treasure every moment we can have. To wake up in the weekends thinking of you is like a scent of spring in the morning. May I find joy in you, a thought that keeps me smiling.


-va-