.unacknowledged existent.

this is my final attempt to ease the suffocation. it's not the best timing, having an exam coming tomorrow. i do question the cause, is this a stress that i never had before in exams, or the same old reasons for all heaviness of my heart. as though my ribcage is squeezing my heart. i've missed you...i've missed you.

never, ever, give up on someone you can't go a day without thinking about. whatever will happen to the one whom you can't go an hour without missing...every moment he ran out of sight, a heart dropped, disappointment falls and a sense of bitter sweet melancholy dissolve into the air. was that pain? i doubt it can be defined. no...so much emotions and too much thoughts. those had to be overcomed. yet i can't.

your words indicates your knowlegde of the circumstances. or is that just my bad habit, of reading into everything. no...none of those. just my denial, my shield. please, let me protect myself. my last resort. finally like an idiot allow myself to decieve myself. you have not known. you couldn't have.

and thus i could not blame. for my existent is so cheap. ever-ready. taking in any pain, criticism, coldness, and all that you are ready to pour, i am ready to receive. jokes and misidentification. how much did i hate that of Shakespearean comedies. endurance. pathetic of me. to have waited in such faith and hopefulness to be able to absorb any pain at all. no limitations. and finally to break. into pieces and tears.

self denial, Gandhi said, is good for soul. i guess he must have seen beyond it. while the rest of us are still struggling. some gave up, midway, those pain is not worth all those philosophical jargons. some are still headstrong. stupidity, ignorance. how peculiar for us to find serenity in these.

and i will. no matter what the end results will be, endure through. for i adore, and am addicted to you. my existent unacknowledge. but let me be true, and i will too, dissolve till nothingness and endless time is due.


-va-