依賴

Oxford Advanced Learner's Eng-Chi Dictionary
依賴 [mandarin]: dependent; to rely on ( the support, etc. of) in order to exist or to be true.

Bloggaphile Va's Guide to Life
依賴 [existent/life/love]: the privilege of having/ abstractly having sb to lean on; to cling on to at times, to look forward to, the inexplainable jinx of holding one together.

My drunkenness always gives me the claim to not know the beginning of a certain process in my life. I am drunk. I love it when I am drunk... Yes, dependence is a process, and I never knew when it started. I can only assume when it start. I allow myself to remember the parts and pieces of the things I wanna remember and I always remember them well. But I would always leave out bits of it, giving out a room for me to complete painting the pictures with my mind. In other words - saving spaces for my imagination to flow.

Well, tonight I disect myself...weaving a process which I cannot recall. Getting used to his presence...a presence that seems so natural, it makes no sense. a person that blends in so well in the crowd, he seems invisible, an ordinary that catches breaths and get away with his acts. his presence, his voice, his smile, his words, his jokes, his car, his friends, the crowd. Got used to having him around. a habit of having him around...a habit...of mine. *smiles*

Habits - of random meetings, of pointless messages, of meaningless words being put together. The anxiety of him stop replying, the worries when he is slipping away, the nervousness of finding proof that he had always, always been around, only unnoticable. Him being around, doesn't neccessary have to be physically around, digital presences? cyber presence? Just enough proof to give me the comfort of he is still sharing my space, my air, that he'd not vanish from my world. Please please please tell me you had always been around.

The dependent of his present absence. When such reliance turn into dependence, it's painfully beautiful, finally realizing I am depending on him, without him knowing, in his absence. The dependence that wrote this blog, the dependence that kept me waiting, the dependence that kept me smiling, it's seems so small yet it's essential to keep this time running, keep this life going. Silly isn't it, if you would know you mere existent is enough to generate such words? In your presence, I find strength; in your absence, I find hope. Dependence is less than words, yet it weaves words.

I missed you. If you do know, please tell me, you'd be around. My survival on the on-and-off presence of yours.



waiting
-va-