late night replays

Sitting in the night. serenity. consuming silence. Let me swim in thoughts, wonder if one of these days will I finally allow myself to drown in my own thoughts. Not that all my thoughts are of sorrows and confusion. Among those. thoughts of sweet, unforgettable bit and pieces of memories.

2 years ago - I enjoyed the quietness in the night. My 1st encounter with my Creator. Beyond the starlights. The short minute of silence. How wonderful life is, just below His starry creation, above his quiet resting breath. Of sweet air from the sea, of man-made beams along the coast. A bridge stretch thus far into the darkness. A blade that cut through the night. Tears of depression. A miraculous moment of a cross of comfort, serenity, simplicity, depression, anguish and shame. A night where care, and hatred sparkled in the same light.

1 year ago - I loved late nights. Just silence and me. All lights turned off, with a solitary hanging reading light on the desk, the keyboard never stopping. Weaving thoughts...thoughts that none understood. Thoughts of a faraway presence, of a nearby absence. Looking down to the windows below. Among all, heartbeat died in the resurrection of the soft beam beyond that set of curtains. Welcome home.

1 week ago - I let myself be eaten away in the night. Finally tidying up my emotions to a pile of assignment. Such a day. None of those ordinary days. 18. my number. A day just like any other with emotions not even close to those of ordinaries. I had never been capable of keeping my thoughts to myself, hadn't I? But only few ever came close to understanding, the anxiousness of saying my thoughts out loud. Would you have heard? Or did you, but none ever understood...Your mere presence, it would be enough, a birthday wish. Please be around.

Now - I let myself drown in my midnight thoughts. How I loved guitars and songs playing my thoughts. How this is just another speechless night. My survival depending on your silent, distanced existent. I let the details replay in my mind. Of the window, of the time, of you being around. How I love the temporary drunkenness in thoughts, thoughts. words. and memories. Set free a mind that never was understood again in thoughts that never shall be. "I liked to watch the lights through your windows, 'cause I'd know that you're home."

Just another midnight re-runs of my memoirs. I do miss you. My thoughts, my life, you... my existence in you.


-va-