.unacknowledged existent.

this is my final attempt to ease the suffocation. it's not the best timing, having an exam coming tomorrow. i do question the cause, is this a stress that i never had before in exams, or the same old reasons for all heaviness of my heart. as though my ribcage is squeezing my heart. i've missed you...i've missed you.

never, ever, give up on someone you can't go a day without thinking about. whatever will happen to the one whom you can't go an hour without missing...every moment he ran out of sight, a heart dropped, disappointment falls and a sense of bitter sweet melancholy dissolve into the air. was that pain? i doubt it can be defined. no...so much emotions and too much thoughts. those had to be overcomed. yet i can't.

your words indicates your knowlegde of the circumstances. or is that just my bad habit, of reading into everything. no...none of those. just my denial, my shield. please, let me protect myself. my last resort. finally like an idiot allow myself to decieve myself. you have not known. you couldn't have.

and thus i could not blame. for my existent is so cheap. ever-ready. taking in any pain, criticism, coldness, and all that you are ready to pour, i am ready to receive. jokes and misidentification. how much did i hate that of Shakespearean comedies. endurance. pathetic of me. to have waited in such faith and hopefulness to be able to absorb any pain at all. no limitations. and finally to break. into pieces and tears.

self denial, Gandhi said, is good for soul. i guess he must have seen beyond it. while the rest of us are still struggling. some gave up, midway, those pain is not worth all those philosophical jargons. some are still headstrong. stupidity, ignorance. how peculiar for us to find serenity in these.

and i will. no matter what the end results will be, endure through. for i adore, and am addicted to you. my existent unacknowledge. but let me be true, and i will too, dissolve till nothingness and endless time is due.


-va-

Thank God It's Saturday! =P

After the cold war, I went to dinner with mom and dad. And guess what, daddy feels like getting a good bite of the good old Jack Daniel. =P *YUM* Here's some pics.

San Francisco - honestly, it looked great but taste like...ENO.T_T

Even the lemon and lime couldn't rescue the taste



Juicy ribs made daddy get all hands-on..muahahaaa~


"grr..."


And so the remains of the poor gu is being dragged away...



The remains of Buffalo wings *licks lips*



Mommy starring into mid-air after a good meal. She's waiting for dessert...no wonder there's a twinkle in her eyes. *_*


Daddy - probably thinking about the bill right now. No regrets eh, dad XD

I've always thought that light thingy is really cool.

Hee...

looks like someone trashed the loo before I went in...urgh*

OOO dessert's here!

Nothing beats cookie and ice-cream!

Mom's choco-mocca thingy...mmm~

more next time kay? Ian's yelling at me to go for lunch...ta~

*yum*

-va-

.more secrets.

not bad, isn't it?

-va-

.once in a blue moon.

it's been a quite awhile since the last time it poured like just now...the time between afternoon and the evening. i think it is one of the beautiful time of day, the time between afternoon and the evening. probably because it rained. and it was the rain that made the sky grey...not the painful grey. just grey. and if it hadn't rain like then, the moon tonight would not be so clear in view either. clear, to say that we can see that the curved star is hanging low, though it remained covered, like in a soft white veil. a fine and thin veil.

and though the way home i just couldn't help looking out to see, a rather cool night. a li'l chilly though not enough to cause any annoyance in discomfort. i couldn't care less about this weather out there, it made no matter to me. just as in many ways, a lot of things made no matter to me. and me to them. there's probably a drop of dew forming on a leaf somewhere. no matter. just as there is probably a drop of tear forming somewhere. and so it did not matter either. so none is so uncommon to be not negligible.

didn't it all not matter? yes, none is so uncommon, drops of dew and defined details of life, time, growth and everything within its realm. every second of moments and tick of time, does everything not move or change or grow or shrink or live or die or evolve or be different than the circumstance of the last second? doesn't the frequency of its changes, random or not, been so much of a habit that it is not uncommon enough to be noticed. to comment that these are too little to be taken into thoughts is not too arrogant of me to be spoken of.

but didn't all these details made up the picture? the dewdrops and the sorrow so shallow to be noticed of, the slight dimness in the colour of the sky and remaining visual of fast moving objects and the beam of street lights and the tiny silhoutte of the sitting in the balcony. i guess somehow they must've been collected in such quiet way that when it has been put together all these bits made up the colours and emotions and temperature and feeling, the gentleness the wind and the lights and the lightness of the burdens of emotions.

just as much were there to be noticed, most haven't seen it. and much were there to be thought of, most chose not to. in life, it has enough to be too much to absorb and our limitations only allows us to take into account a part of everything. shall many choose the beauty of others, shall few choose its details. shall we ignore the details and shall you overview. me. shall we cherish the beauty and shall this moment be remembered. as it is. once in a blue moon.


-va-

eyes on me

now listening to: faye wong - eyes on me

whenever I am half sober and half down...trying to indulge in the smokiness and temporariness again. this song just suit the thoughts so well...whenever sang my song, on the stage, on my own. Just as I write these words, as lightly as a song, in an empty stage with those distanced lights as my audience and all alone again. while her story goes back into time, a brief acquaintanceship, haven't us been as brief...every post seems to be the last.tracing steps in the mist of blurry time.

And so you were, and you still are, just as distanced and just as close, as though we had reached an understanding and a safe distance that it seemed to be a stop. perhaps a slow pace. so slow that it is negligible of even the evidence is non-existent. Both just as numb of time and circumstances. Though seeking..probably something similar but our paths would not cross and the pavement in front just as brief, as we were, we are, and we are to be. such casualness that I mistaken it as my fantasy.

Perhaps it was...his shadow so light against the faded walls and his voice ringing soft. no matter the distance. every bit had been and would stay a fantasy. so unsure. just as my knowledge of him is too abstract to be the evidence of his existent. thus...assuming myself a dreamer. perhaps a Bedlam creature.

whenever sang my songs. on the stage, on my own. whenever said my words. wishing they would be heard. I saw you smiling at me. was it real or just my fantasy. you'd always be there in the corner. of this tiny little bar. my last night here for you. same old songs, just once more. my last night here with you? maybe yes, maybe no. I kind of liked it your way. how you shyly placed your eyes on me...

Oh, did you ever know? that I had mine on you....


-va-

Days unmarked

You know...it's just one of those days that goes unnoticed. Blurry classes where you are so sick that you can hardly remember a quarter of what the lecturer is blabbing about and all your notes are plain useless. It's bad enough that you have to go through one of those..only lately, all my days are like those..unmarked. unnoticed. unmeaningful. Even though the exam is significantly closer, I've been wasting my time off like nobody's business.

Been to the clinic twice...having my second bottle of cough syrup and sleeping through time and dozing off in classes..I wish the lecturers would snap at me or something...I really need some sparks to keep me uptight. Whine it up or whatever you peeps wanna call it. I want to be fed up with myself but I just can't. It's like people keep telling it's okay 'cause I'm sick, I need rest. I know it's rubbish, A levels is coming soon and I can't afford every second that I spend on sleeping. Come on! Haven't I already seen my results in the mock exam?! It's just plain bad, I've never done so bad in every subject! I wouldat least get a really good one in high school and whatever I got was clearly not a 'good one'. Yea, our whole class sucked. It doesn't mean I have to be as bad too! ARGH!!!!

Okay,I guess I just gave myself a really good reason to start...just hope that it's not too late till my exam starts...crap, I don't even remember the date I'm taking my exams.


-va-
frustrated

va the sicky

I woke up yesterday and the first thing that registered was..."ouch, my throat." There's probably nothing worse than waking up in the beginning of the week to find yourself half mute and half dead. I blame nobody... honestly, I deserve it and so far the price I need to pay for my happy weekend is still pretty much worth it...right? Argh..


Well anyway...it started since Monday and I guessed it was just one of those durr-ness when I have too little sleep since the sleepover. So I took it for granted, not for long though. Thank God my Tuesday classes have 3 and a half hours between so I took 3 of my college mates and drove all the way back to Bayan Baru...and to repay my kindness Wei Ling said she thinks I go all the way back just because the doctor look cute.. -.-"


I wouldn't deny that the doc actually look better than other Ah Pek doctors but it's totally not that. I just like the clinic so much! lol...really..y'know, it's like, the clinic has such nice decor with those squashy couch and a fridge full of Yakult and very near to my old condo, which I still have a thing for... I just can't help romanticizing about my past, you can't hold me guilty for that.


Anyway, I took those medications for a couple of days already but I still have stuffy nose and really dry skin 'cause the medication is hoarding all the moisture in my body...and water really doesn't taste that good when your mouth is all bittery. And of course, nobody wants to get those sarcastic remarks from Mrs. Hathia due to the frequency of restroom-going. Did I mention that my lips are cracking too..it's painful.. T.T


I guess all these still can't stop me from going to class, except that I had been a much better patient than a student, so I would take my medicines even if I'm going to class. Do note that I take the cough syrup too...which is kinda working on me now...*blurred* The real miracle isn't even about me driving safely all the way to and fro college, it's that I still can copy notes and answer questions. Even myself was kinda surprise when I realize that was what I was doing, copying notes and answering questions, I mean.


Urgh...I really can't go on for long or I'd probably be too weak to even change into my pajamas. Lovie y'all. Sorry if you got infected from me. If you're not, do try to avoid me, it's contagious.*

bittery stuff...

.medicine at my bedside.

diagnosis

cough syrup...almost finish in 2 days...how did I drive home?!

What the doc gotta say, what va had to pay...-.-"

-va the sicky-

the Secret

Leaf (Ye Xiang Lun) tactfully captured the hearts of many...

the Secret's poster...

The Secret poster II

It's been quite awhile since I fall in love with a movie like that... it's simply impressive..heart-warming and the ending is just too unexpected. I really want to write a review on it..but either it's my health or just the lack of inspiration...

A beauty...the movie is a beauty..I have to give Jay Chou the credit, he must had put a lot of thought into that movie..every scene, every word, every note, every expression has a story of its own and all these lil pieces put together to give us a secret so warm and such fascination.

To watch and really feel it at the first time is my pride, though it seems a bit confusing to others, the ending seems to shine light on every missing puzzle. To most of us, it's easy to understand the beauty of the story and to appreciate every note and every second of the movie, as if it would not be complete if we had left the room before it ends. I am still learning to not be bias of Jay Chou and learn to understand his arts.

-va-

to life

thankie =)