I feel a void inside. The corners of the wound burning, flickers of pain seize me every now and then. It's the reality check. I know it's not real. No matter how much it seems to me in the past week. I am deeply affected. I am sensitive to words. They break me. But I love every second written in the book - every fantasy of another's dream.
The holiday is almost over. I am yanked unwillingly from the love so beautiful, it is painful. I need to leave this obsession for good. But I love you, and I always will.
I know we are just human. And I know human can easily love, hate, long, despise someone. Or in my case, something. Even though it is so unreal..I was quick to obsess over this fantasy. A story.
Just like this blog. It began with obsession. The only reason that can explain my absence for such a long time is just another obsession has assert itself between me and this secret place that I try to run. I had a new secret place. I wonder if it still exist.
I started reading Twilight last Sunday. That is two days after I watched the movie. It opened a door, and I walked in. This frenzy of passionate, almost sacred love washes over like waves of La Push. Not even halfway through with Twilight, I know I am hooked.
Sleep became irrelevant unless that is the only way that I can keep reading. Food was an annoyance, I hated the fact that I am just human, and food yanked me out of my new secret place again and again. For seven whole days, I only allow myself out of the door once. When I thought my laptop was going to give up on me, I refuse to shut it down just because I was afraid it won't start up again - and with that, will seal my only doorway to my secret little town of Forks for sometime. The idea of not being able to be in that world that only exist in Stephenie Meyer's book made me flinch at the pain.
I would turn on the Twilight movie soundtrack and let it loop while I read. The yearning, longing, pain and other complex emotions that flows in the tunes sets everything in its mood.
In Twilight, I.. I, obsessed over the intense curiosity of Bella towards Edward. Curiosity - with a hint of averse - morph into the first stage of love. Then it grew unrestrainably into a love so strong it was sacrificial. It was unhealthy. I let myself soak in every scene, breathe in every scent, sway with every inaudible lullaby. Though the emotions were not strong enough to bring tears, but definitely contained enough of me that I squeal and shriek in tense pages, chuckle and went all giddy over the happy pages, pant with adrenaline pumping in my blood... It was a odd feeling, like Bella finding the meadow, walking into the deadly addictive scenes with caution - but never returning - and lurch into this dark water of love so sacred that it is considered...an impossibility.
New Moon was a stronger drug to me. Physically, mentally - and in all other aspect of life - draining. The initial hints were like flashings of approaching nightmare. The raw fear of lost love. Every sob every hint of pain written in words was never so real, as if my knees and my heart are giving out at every reminder that the reason of existent was lost. Gasps and chokes of tears were inevitable. It made me feel like if it was me, I would be exactly the same. I would be just as numb; I would scream if they make me leave Forks; I would provoke the positively dangerous bar crowd just to hear his voice, I would buy the bike, and jump off the cliff. I would flinched at memory of his face, the sound of his name, every place that brings back the memory will be just as much pain as it had been to Bella. And yes, by the end, I would love him just the same.
Eclipse is not my favourite book but it held my favourite line and it was not said by any of my favourite character, it was true to me. I was left in a state as emotional fragile as if the exact same thing had happened to me. The unconscious protective layer that was pulled up like a cocoon covering a baby was a painful reminder of New Moon but I knew and truly understand that wounds need time to heal. The vampire, the werewolf and the girl torn in between, I'd never like the idea of a love triangle, but I was too far gone. One thing that I can be sure, was that Bella would be with Edward again, he is her reason of existent and she is his. No matter how much Jacob was Bella's personal sun, "The clouds I can handle. But I can't fight with an eclipse."
Breaking Dawn came after that, of course, there were explanation needed for things left unexplained, loose strings need to be knotted, a happy ending was bound to come. The marriage was heartwarming, rediscovering an almost ancient idea of decency and pleasantness in the already passionate relationship was simply endearing. His immortal flaw complimenting her mortal determination, and her mortal fragileness fitted into his omnipotency perfectly. Her pregnancy and struggle to keep the little nudger was heart cleanching. The labour and the resurrection enforces my belief in her will power. And I loved every second of her immortality - even with the underlying risk. A shield, her talent though was a surpise, was not unpredictable. It was still one of my favourite part of the story. As the triumphant victory unfolds, I sank with a heart so heavy like a granite was heaved at me. I miss every bit of it.