I feel a void inside. The corners of the wound burning, flickers of pain seize me every now and then. It's the reality check. I know it's not real. No matter how much it seems to me in the past week. I am deeply affected. I am sensitive to words. They break me. But I love every second written in the book - every fantasy of another's dream.
The holiday is almost over. I am yanked unwillingly from the love so beautiful, it is painful. I need to leave this obsession for good. But I love you, and I always will.
-just another Twilighter-
Showing posts with label Dedication. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dedication. Show all posts
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
Twilight
I know we are just human. And I know human can easily love, hate, long, despise someone. Or in my case, something. Even though it is so unreal..I was quick to obsess over this fantasy. A story.
Just like this blog. It began with obsession. The only reason that can explain my absence for such a long time is just another obsession has assert itself between me and this secret place that I try to run. I had a new secret place. I wonder if it still exist.
I started reading Twilight last Sunday. That is two days after I watched the movie. It opened a door, and I walked in. This frenzy of passionate, almost sacred love washes over like waves of La Push. Not even halfway through with Twilight, I know I am hooked.
Sleep became irrelevant unless that is the only way that I can keep reading. Food was an annoyance, I hated the fact that I am just human, and food yanked me out of my new secret place again and again. For seven whole days, I only allow myself out of the door once. When I thought my laptop was going to give up on me, I refuse to shut it down just because I was afraid it won't start up again - and with that, will seal my only doorway to my secret little town of Forks for sometime. The idea of not being able to be in that world that only exist in Stephenie Meyer's book made me flinch at the pain.
I would turn on the Twilight movie soundtrack and let it loop while I read. The yearning, longing, pain and other complex emotions that flows in the tunes sets everything in its mood.
In Twilight, I.. I, obsessed over the intense curiosity of Bella towards Edward. Curiosity - with a hint of averse - morph into the first stage of love. Then it grew unrestrainably into a love so strong it was sacrificial. It was unhealthy. I let myself soak in every scene, breathe in every scent, sway with every inaudible lullaby. Though the emotions were not strong enough to bring tears, but definitely contained enough of me that I squeal and shriek in tense pages, chuckle and went all giddy over the happy pages, pant with adrenaline pumping in my blood... It was a odd feeling, like Bella finding the meadow, walking into the deadly addictive scenes with caution - but never returning - and lurch into this dark water of love so sacred that it is considered...an impossibility.
New Moon was a stronger drug to me. Physically, mentally - and in all other aspect of life - draining. The initial hints were like flashings of approaching nightmare. The raw fear of lost love. Every sob every hint of pain written in words was never so real, as if my knees and my heart are giving out at every reminder that the reason of existent was lost. Gasps and chokes of tears were inevitable. It made me feel like if it was me, I would be exactly the same. I would be just as numb; I would scream if they make me leave Forks; I would provoke the positively dangerous bar crowd just to hear his voice, I would buy the bike, and jump off the cliff. I would flinched at memory of his face, the sound of his name, every place that brings back the memory will be just as much pain as it had been to Bella. And yes, by the end, I would love him just the same.
Eclipse is not my favourite book but it held my favourite line and it was not said by any of my favourite character, it was true to me. I was left in a state as emotional fragile as if the exact same thing had happened to me. The unconscious protective layer that was pulled up like a cocoon covering a baby was a painful reminder of New Moon but I knew and truly understand that wounds need time to heal. The vampire, the werewolf and the girl torn in between, I'd never like the idea of a love triangle, but I was too far gone. One thing that I can be sure, was that Bella would be with Edward again, he is her reason of existent and she is his. No matter how much Jacob was Bella's personal sun, "The clouds I can handle. But I can't fight with an eclipse."
Breaking Dawn came after that, of course, there were explanation needed for things left unexplained, loose strings need to be knotted, a happy ending was bound to come. The marriage was heartwarming, rediscovering an almost ancient idea of decency and pleasantness in the already passionate relationship was simply endearing. His immortal flaw complimenting her mortal determination, and her mortal fragileness fitted into his omnipotency perfectly. Her pregnancy and struggle to keep the little nudger was heart cleanching. The labour and the resurrection enforces my belief in her will power. And I loved every second of her immortality - even with the underlying risk. A shield, her talent though was a surpise, was not unpredictable. It was still one of my favourite part of the story. As the triumphant victory unfolds, I sank with a heart so heavy like a granite was heaved at me. I miss every bit of it.
'Tis, my obsession.
Just like this blog. It began with obsession. The only reason that can explain my absence for such a long time is just another obsession has assert itself between me and this secret place that I try to run. I had a new secret place. I wonder if it still exist.
I started reading Twilight last Sunday. That is two days after I watched the movie. It opened a door, and I walked in. This frenzy of passionate, almost sacred love washes over like waves of La Push. Not even halfway through with Twilight, I know I am hooked.
Sleep became irrelevant unless that is the only way that I can keep reading. Food was an annoyance, I hated the fact that I am just human, and food yanked me out of my new secret place again and again. For seven whole days, I only allow myself out of the door once. When I thought my laptop was going to give up on me, I refuse to shut it down just because I was afraid it won't start up again - and with that, will seal my only doorway to my secret little town of Forks for sometime. The idea of not being able to be in that world that only exist in Stephenie Meyer's book made me flinch at the pain.
I would turn on the Twilight movie soundtrack and let it loop while I read. The yearning, longing, pain and other complex emotions that flows in the tunes sets everything in its mood.
In Twilight, I.. I, obsessed over the intense curiosity of Bella towards Edward. Curiosity - with a hint of averse - morph into the first stage of love. Then it grew unrestrainably into a love so strong it was sacrificial. It was unhealthy. I let myself soak in every scene, breathe in every scent, sway with every inaudible lullaby. Though the emotions were not strong enough to bring tears, but definitely contained enough of me that I squeal and shriek in tense pages, chuckle and went all giddy over the happy pages, pant with adrenaline pumping in my blood... It was a odd feeling, like Bella finding the meadow, walking into the deadly addictive scenes with caution - but never returning - and lurch into this dark water of love so sacred that it is considered...an impossibility.
New Moon was a stronger drug to me. Physically, mentally - and in all other aspect of life - draining. The initial hints were like flashings of approaching nightmare. The raw fear of lost love. Every sob every hint of pain written in words was never so real, as if my knees and my heart are giving out at every reminder that the reason of existent was lost. Gasps and chokes of tears were inevitable. It made me feel like if it was me, I would be exactly the same. I would be just as numb; I would scream if they make me leave Forks; I would provoke the positively dangerous bar crowd just to hear his voice, I would buy the bike, and jump off the cliff. I would flinched at memory of his face, the sound of his name, every place that brings back the memory will be just as much pain as it had been to Bella. And yes, by the end, I would love him just the same.
Eclipse is not my favourite book but it held my favourite line and it was not said by any of my favourite character, it was true to me. I was left in a state as emotional fragile as if the exact same thing had happened to me. The unconscious protective layer that was pulled up like a cocoon covering a baby was a painful reminder of New Moon but I knew and truly understand that wounds need time to heal. The vampire, the werewolf and the girl torn in between, I'd never like the idea of a love triangle, but I was too far gone. One thing that I can be sure, was that Bella would be with Edward again, he is her reason of existent and she is his. No matter how much Jacob was Bella's personal sun, "The clouds I can handle. But I can't fight with an eclipse."
Breaking Dawn came after that, of course, there were explanation needed for things left unexplained, loose strings need to be knotted, a happy ending was bound to come. The marriage was heartwarming, rediscovering an almost ancient idea of decency and pleasantness in the already passionate relationship was simply endearing. His immortal flaw complimenting her mortal determination, and her mortal fragileness fitted into his omnipotency perfectly. Her pregnancy and struggle to keep the little nudger was heart cleanching. The labour and the resurrection enforces my belief in her will power. And I loved every second of her immortality - even with the underlying risk. A shield, her talent though was a surpise, was not unpredictable. It was still one of my favourite part of the story. As the triumphant victory unfolds, I sank with a heart so heavy like a granite was heaved at me. I miss every bit of it.
'Tis, my obsession.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Happy Super Sweet Sixteen, Emmanuel~
Blessed birthday, Emma!!! Missing you heaps~! This is for you, a very Penang Lang post! XDWoi~ Si kui...post hami food photo in your blog! GAI NIA...now I miss diao Nasi Lemak like pregnant woman mia craving nia. Birthday syok ar? Weeiiii my birthday sure beh syok wan...Winter you know...Somebody saw snow this morning and it's not even winter yet. Last day of Autumn nia...
I want to go home lahhh...Yoi. Oh yea...I really like the pic! Wanted Dead or Alive! HAHA...I prefer Alive lah..abo cannot eat nasi lemak. I got so many things wanna do in Penang till I tink I should write a list liao. Ahbo sure beh ki wan.
AND EMMA!!!! I just ordered a pair of BOOTS! Black one got heels wan AND AND it's THIGH HIGH. HAHAHHA...SO NOT ME RITE!!!!! BUT super nice...LIKE ANTM will have mia thing. HAHahhahahahHAhhaHAhahHAahha... See if my bag got place or not..if got baru bring back let you see and lau nuah over it! HAHAHA~!!!!!
Miss you a lot...wait till I go back we pi shopping canoeing and jalan jalan in pasar malam la...=) Love ya lil bro. Be fab!
-Eva-
Friday, April 17, 2009
Wait?
But what are you waiting for?
Deep breathe. I am opening the wound.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
I am an idiot. A selfish, dumb, distracted jerk. For once I am not going to blame anything else. What do I have to lose anyway, I've probably ruin everything by now. I am so terribly sorry. I do not know what you saw in me, but I think I have probably lost it now. I am so sorry I left and I am so sorry you have to see me go away. I am sorry I have needed you so much, I am sorry I did not love you enough to protect you from my harm. I know I am a ticking time bomb that will one day turn my selfish back and try my best not to look back.
I miss the time when we can be together like old friends, even when I don't get your jokes and when you don't get mine. I miss the time when we can pick on the food we like to eat and make excuses to go out for lunch. I even miss the moments when they thought we are together and picked on us. I would like to go back to that moment.
I think I will like your shoulder to lean on and to talk to you a lot. But I cannot bring myself to say I love you or any mushy things that can be said. I don't want you to wait, I would like you to love somebody else. Someone who would actually love you back and bring you joy and shower you with her smiles. And yes I do get jealous even when I thought of those words that I am going to write.
No, I do not know what I feel, I think I just really like you.
-all the bad names you ever called me-
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Life here, right now
You know what.. when I finally get to sign in to my private accounts in facebook and my blog and all other wesites that I am familiar with, there is one slight moment when I feel like I am back at home, but then the door opened and closed and some random uni students walk in...reminding me I am not. Thousands miles away from home. I tend to have a weird thought that I have really good recovery system and great protection mechanism in me, get what I mean? Like if I fall down, I don't get the painful feeling for such a long time, and until the pain finally sinks in I am already recovered almost at least 60%. Yea, crap isn't it.
The thing is it's just 2 weeks since I left home, and I am already thinking about planning to go home at the end of this year. I mean, it is february and I am planning november stuff. I don't think the part about leaving my A4 at home even registered in my brain. I know leaving Joshua definitely made a mark somewhere...but I am already anticipating seeing him again, like it is only a day away till I can go home. Anyhow, life in New Zealand is not too bad. My days are practically filled with going to uni, walking, chores, television and proud to say reading chapters of the Bible each day. Though I still can't find any church as vibrant or a church that I can be as "at home with" as TOG, one thing I know for sure is that God has never left me. He has been with me, on the plane, carrying overweight luggages and while I was stumbling all the way to New Zealand.
I miss home. There is no denial of it. Every piece of reminder can practically draw tears to my eyes, like when the sing How Great Is Our God in church last sunday, I was battling tears down my throat. And I keep missing Joshua, the little guy who bring smiles to me even though we have the least means of communication. I know there are years to go, I will have to come back and finish my studies...but I have always have this determination so deeply within me, that this is a journey, I will walk through it in such courage, finish it with grace and go home, bringing pride to all those who are waiting for me. I am just so sure that I will go home, that is the thing that I think about everyday when I walk from home to school and school to home.
Wait for me, will you? I will be home in awhile.
buckets of tears and misses,
vava
The thing is it's just 2 weeks since I left home, and I am already thinking about planning to go home at the end of this year. I mean, it is february and I am planning november stuff. I don't think the part about leaving my A4 at home even registered in my brain. I know leaving Joshua definitely made a mark somewhere...but I am already anticipating seeing him again, like it is only a day away till I can go home. Anyhow, life in New Zealand is not too bad. My days are practically filled with going to uni, walking, chores, television and proud to say reading chapters of the Bible each day. Though I still can't find any church as vibrant or a church that I can be as "at home with" as TOG, one thing I know for sure is that God has never left me. He has been with me, on the plane, carrying overweight luggages and while I was stumbling all the way to New Zealand.
I miss home. There is no denial of it. Every piece of reminder can practically draw tears to my eyes, like when the sing How Great Is Our God in church last sunday, I was battling tears down my throat. And I keep missing Joshua, the little guy who bring smiles to me even though we have the least means of communication. I know there are years to go, I will have to come back and finish my studies...but I have always have this determination so deeply within me, that this is a journey, I will walk through it in such courage, finish it with grace and go home, bringing pride to all those who are waiting for me. I am just so sure that I will go home, that is the thing that I think about everyday when I walk from home to school and school to home.
Wait for me, will you? I will be home in awhile.
buckets of tears and misses,
vava
Friday, December 19, 2008
Meet the real people
Hello, nice to meet you, I am a genuine version of Leong Eva, I swear (it's just an expression, swearing is NOT polite at all) to tell the truth, only the truth, nothing but the truth.
Anyway, nice to meet you. You know, real people are actually kind of hard to find today. Real, meaning people who don't scheme, spy on you and you know be just plain fake around you. Since I am not old enough to be in the history, and obviously not fortunate enough in meeting people, I don't think I know more than a handful of real people with a TradeMark branding or a Copyright branding that comes along with them. The rest from the handful are as good as the things you have in your house with a tag of "made in China" things, which generally mean the chance of them being a fabricated good is around 80 - 90 %.
Well, let me introduce you to the first guy, I think most people will recognise if I would only describe, he is usually painted on stained glass windows in chapels, wears a pair of sandal and comes with long hair and a well-groomed beard. None other than Mr. Jesus Christ. We will skip the arguement of people who thinks he does not exist and go on with him being a living person with a genuine personality. I would say he is a genuine person mainly because we do not see people who come to you and skip saying "nice meeting you" and exchange it with "Do not be fearful." Certainly he is straight forward enough. Plus, Jesus didn't go like, "Um Peter, you know, you said that I shouldn't wash your feet. Um, I think um, you know, I should, but anyway, you know I love you right. But I think the good old Devil is just trying, of course I'm not blaming you..." Jesus is my personal idol the moment he shot "Devil, get thee behind me." How cool is that. I mean, if I ever say that with a serious face when somebody is blocking my way to church, they would think I'm a moron and beat me up. I like the way he deal with things, with a clean take it or leave it way. Now that is what I call, "with love, from Jesus."
The next one, I would like to give the honour of accepting this real person reward is none other than Mr. Alex Lim. Alex, if you are reading this, seriously, do not syok sendiri. Haha. 70% of the people I know thinks he's a freak, another 20% thinks he is gay and I think he is a genius and a darn good friend to keep for life. If you know this guy, you'll know that it is impossible for a person to fake what he does, simply because, one, he yells at people quoting from Shakespeare, two, he bakes apple crumble in class with his own oven because it helps him to deal with stress, and he keeps the rubber bands that he used to tie up the plastic bags because he happens to be a tree hugger. And he doesnt date simply because he hasn't meet that someone special. He holds the best example of someone who thinks so why should I care about what people say about me, I am the real thing, babe. Way to go, Alex. You rock my socks.
Francis probably qualify too. His ways can be totally unacceptable at times but the one thing I can be sure is that nobody can force him to fake anything without his consent. I know this fella since I am five and I do not think he has in anyway schemed, gossiped or act unlike himself in front of anyone or in any circumstances. So he hates almost half the things that people agree with, big deal, that's who he is. Even though sometimes it seems totally unreasonable, that's the thing about people who are real, they might change their view one day, but until they do, they would just keep it that way. It is really cool having a friend like that. And I plan to keep it that way too, if you don't mind.
For those who did not make it to the chart, being real ain't easy, you can choose to do it, try doing it or not bother at all. And I am sure you do rock somebody's world, being whatever you are now, REAL-ly.
with love,
Eva
Anyway, nice to meet you. You know, real people are actually kind of hard to find today. Real, meaning people who don't scheme, spy on you and you know be just plain fake around you. Since I am not old enough to be in the history, and obviously not fortunate enough in meeting people, I don't think I know more than a handful of real people with a TradeMark branding or a Copyright branding that comes along with them. The rest from the handful are as good as the things you have in your house with a tag of "made in China" things, which generally mean the chance of them being a fabricated good is around 80 - 90 %.
Well, let me introduce you to the first guy, I think most people will recognise if I would only describe, he is usually painted on stained glass windows in chapels, wears a pair of sandal and comes with long hair and a well-groomed beard. None other than Mr. Jesus Christ. We will skip the arguement of people who thinks he does not exist and go on with him being a living person with a genuine personality. I would say he is a genuine person mainly because we do not see people who come to you and skip saying "nice meeting you" and exchange it with "Do not be fearful." Certainly he is straight forward enough. Plus, Jesus didn't go like, "Um Peter, you know, you said that I shouldn't wash your feet. Um, I think um, you know, I should, but anyway, you know I love you right. But I think the good old Devil is just trying, of course I'm not blaming you..." Jesus is my personal idol the moment he shot "Devil, get thee behind me." How cool is that. I mean, if I ever say that with a serious face when somebody is blocking my way to church, they would think I'm a moron and beat me up. I like the way he deal with things, with a clean take it or leave it way. Now that is what I call, "with love, from Jesus."
The next one, I would like to give the honour of accepting this real person reward is none other than Mr. Alex Lim. Alex, if you are reading this, seriously, do not syok sendiri. Haha. 70% of the people I know thinks he's a freak, another 20% thinks he is gay and I think he is a genius and a darn good friend to keep for life. If you know this guy, you'll know that it is impossible for a person to fake what he does, simply because, one, he yells at people quoting from Shakespeare, two, he bakes apple crumble in class with his own oven because it helps him to deal with stress, and he keeps the rubber bands that he used to tie up the plastic bags because he happens to be a tree hugger. And he doesnt date simply because he hasn't meet that someone special. He holds the best example of someone who thinks so why should I care about what people say about me, I am the real thing, babe. Way to go, Alex. You rock my socks.
Francis probably qualify too. His ways can be totally unacceptable at times but the one thing I can be sure is that nobody can force him to fake anything without his consent. I know this fella since I am five and I do not think he has in anyway schemed, gossiped or act unlike himself in front of anyone or in any circumstances. So he hates almost half the things that people agree with, big deal, that's who he is. Even though sometimes it seems totally unreasonable, that's the thing about people who are real, they might change their view one day, but until they do, they would just keep it that way. It is really cool having a friend like that. And I plan to keep it that way too, if you don't mind.
For those who did not make it to the chart, being real ain't easy, you can choose to do it, try doing it or not bother at all. And I am sure you do rock somebody's world, being whatever you are now, REAL-ly.
with love,
Eva
Monday, November 3, 2008
Seek First -A love letter.
"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."
-Matthew 6:33
What a verse to live by, look at how wonderfully it was written. All things shall be added... God's way is just so simple. Seek Him first, says He. As long as we dwell in His presence, love Him, follow and obey Him. Submit to Him as a living sacrifice, all the things of our desires will be added to us. Added. ADDED. It means there is more! Added to you, as long as you seek Him first, He will grant you blessings and anointing PLUS the desires of you heart!
How wonderfully written. And why not? Why shouldn't we seek Him? There's no reasons valid for that! He is the Saviour, MY PERSONAL Saviour. It means if it is ONLY ME who needs salvation, He would come for me the same way too. Just as glorious, making just as big the sacrifice. You saved my life, took away my sins and shame and all the pain. You have overcome all these mess that I should be in. You have seen me through all my days. Everyday. How could I not love You and adore You. There is no words to compare to what has been done and You love for me. I love and love and love You. And it is the least I can do, to live my life for You.
-Eva, life, You gave me Life.-
-Matthew 6:33
What a verse to live by, look at how wonderfully it was written. All things shall be added... God's way is just so simple. Seek Him first, says He. As long as we dwell in His presence, love Him, follow and obey Him. Submit to Him as a living sacrifice, all the things of our desires will be added to us. Added. ADDED. It means there is more! Added to you, as long as you seek Him first, He will grant you blessings and anointing PLUS the desires of you heart!
How wonderfully written. And why not? Why shouldn't we seek Him? There's no reasons valid for that! He is the Saviour, MY PERSONAL Saviour. It means if it is ONLY ME who needs salvation, He would come for me the same way too. Just as glorious, making just as big the sacrifice. You saved my life, took away my sins and shame and all the pain. You have overcome all these mess that I should be in. You have seen me through all my days. Everyday. How could I not love You and adore You. There is no words to compare to what has been done and You love for me. I love and love and love You. And it is the least I can do, to live my life for You.
-Eva, life, You gave me Life.-
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
I have decided to write about God
I have decided to write about God. Because there is nothing in the world worth writing anymore. People who disappoints and things that doesn't work out the way they should. Finally coming back into realising that only God surpasses all understanding. That He is ever there, ever present. And He is the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Not one less or not one less important than another. I believe everything that You say. Everything in the Bible. I place my trust in God alone. For people fail, I fail but God will never fail.
I have decided to write about God. Because I am weak, helpless and lost. No one can lead me through this twirl but God. It is amazing to realise once again that life is not in control, not in my control, that plan changes, dreams evolves, fear creeps in, people leave, situations break down. And we human can only do so much. I place my trust in God alone. For He gives me peace.
I have decided to write about God. Even though no one sees or hear. Because His presence is very much real. That nothing can snatch those memories away from me. That touch, the tears, the burning fire, and our intimate encounter. The laughters and joy that He brought into my life. I would have never know, feel, see or hear so wonderful things if He had not came into my life. Ignorance is not bliss. Knowing Jesus is bliss.
I have decided to write about God. Because even if He decided to stop His blessing, He has blessed me more than I deserve. If ever He calls, I will answer to it, because I cannot say no to the one who saved my life, my lover, brother, father, master and friend. That my life is His, I would sing, dance, shout for joy, talk, walk and live for Him alone. And He said, nothing can snatch you out of my hands.
I have decided to write about God, follow Him, love Him, trust Him all the days of my life.
-Eva-
I have decided to write about God. Because I am weak, helpless and lost. No one can lead me through this twirl but God. It is amazing to realise once again that life is not in control, not in my control, that plan changes, dreams evolves, fear creeps in, people leave, situations break down. And we human can only do so much. I place my trust in God alone. For He gives me peace.
I have decided to write about God. Even though no one sees or hear. Because His presence is very much real. That nothing can snatch those memories away from me. That touch, the tears, the burning fire, and our intimate encounter. The laughters and joy that He brought into my life. I would have never know, feel, see or hear so wonderful things if He had not came into my life. Ignorance is not bliss. Knowing Jesus is bliss.
I have decided to write about God. Because even if He decided to stop His blessing, He has blessed me more than I deserve. If ever He calls, I will answer to it, because I cannot say no to the one who saved my life, my lover, brother, father, master and friend. That my life is His, I would sing, dance, shout for joy, talk, walk and live for Him alone. And He said, nothing can snatch you out of my hands.
I have decided to write about God, follow Him, love Him, trust Him all the days of my life.
-Eva-
Sunday, September 14, 2008
My life for You
I am so glad that you found me, that my life is not lost, not in the world, not wandering. I don't really know what to say now, because what is in my mind is only to live my life for you. I know how people see us as impossible people, some thinks we are hypocrites, like those pharisees. But I don't want to judge people. Please help me to not judge people, because I don't have the right to do so. Help me to be humble and take away my "Holier than thou" attitude.
My life is for you, every moment, every breathe and every word. So please help me to do it right, just as you had. I trust that you have picked us to be different, I don't care if this difference is gonna drive the world to hate me. I would rather starve on the roadside and be a beggar than to live in the world that does not please you. Jabez prayed it, and I want to say the same thing too, I want blessings, please enlarge my territory, put your hands upon me and keep me away from the evil ones that they may not grieve me. And I would wrestle with you if I have to, even if it means giving up my physical things, to be lame after the battle like Jacob, I cannot live without you. I won't let you go, so please please keep me with you. The world is too much for me to bear it alone.
Only you, only you had done it and know the way, you are the way, your are the truth, and the life, you are my life. I am sorry that I have grieved you so many times. I am so sorry that I would even dare to feel far away from you when tempted. The truth is you are never far away, even before I pray, you know the desires of my heart. You see and hear and know me better than I know myself. As I grieved for my past, I know you grieve more. When I cry to you, I know you cried more. When I sacrifice to you, you sacrificed more. I would never ever find a man like you.
Help me to do so, as I pray I say I am not ready for any man, until I am ready for you. Because you are my man. I know you personally, and you understand me completely. I want to be with you, and until you would put him in my life, my left ring finger is for your ring. Keep me with you.
Keep me with you. I trust and I trust you.
My life is for you, every moment, every breathe and every word. So please help me to do it right, just as you had. I trust that you have picked us to be different, I don't care if this difference is gonna drive the world to hate me. I would rather starve on the roadside and be a beggar than to live in the world that does not please you. Jabez prayed it, and I want to say the same thing too, I want blessings, please enlarge my territory, put your hands upon me and keep me away from the evil ones that they may not grieve me. And I would wrestle with you if I have to, even if it means giving up my physical things, to be lame after the battle like Jacob, I cannot live without you. I won't let you go, so please please keep me with you. The world is too much for me to bear it alone.
Only you, only you had done it and know the way, you are the way, your are the truth, and the life, you are my life. I am sorry that I have grieved you so many times. I am so sorry that I would even dare to feel far away from you when tempted. The truth is you are never far away, even before I pray, you know the desires of my heart. You see and hear and know me better than I know myself. As I grieved for my past, I know you grieve more. When I cry to you, I know you cried more. When I sacrifice to you, you sacrificed more. I would never ever find a man like you.
Help me to do so, as I pray I say I am not ready for any man, until I am ready for you. Because you are my man. I know you personally, and you understand me completely. I want to be with you, and until you would put him in my life, my left ring finger is for your ring. Keep me with you.
Keep me with you. I trust and I trust you.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Last Night
This is the last night I will spend gouging down questions and details to get ready for my last paper. A peculiar paper in my context, having no cases to cite, no quotations to get all flourish with and no long writing to do. What a day I had, I must be tired, and not yet so, there is a long road ahead. My robust spirit would not allow me to be tired, I have a long way to go.
What way, then... I have no idea. When will I be leaving, for where and when will I be back? I have never been so unknowing in my life yet I know I am not lost. He is my light, I just have to walk towards Him all the time. When the light gets dimmer, I know I haven't got it right, so I'll turn back to the direction where my light shines. The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
Trust me when I say I am never so unknowing in my life, I am finishing up an exam which I know not the results, they can either bring me further or pull me down; I am waiting for a scholarship which will provide me a chance, I do not know what will be the outcome; I am heading to somewhere, I do not know where and how can I get there; my sister is quiting her job, she loves it but she quits; my brother is far away, half a globe away, with less words than ever spoke before. Yet I am sure, this is not a free fall.
The Lord is my shepherd, what more can I ask? Jehovah Jireh, He gave me everything in my life. Each day, my first breath reminds me that He had preserved my life, each step, when my foot touch the ground, it reminds me that He had set my foot there. What more can I ask. All sin washed away, all dirt, all past scrape anew. I am clean, I am free, I am new, for You made me so.
You are my joy, You are my tears. You fill my heart with song when You say that You are near. How could this be? For all You've done for me, is that not enough? The abundance overwhelms my simple heart, yet You promise more good to come. You are my tears, when you said to me, Your love is enough, more intimate than lovers, more loving than fathers, who are You? And who am I to be so loved? But as I struggled in tear and dirt, Your spirit came, and wash them all away, You hold me tight in Your arms and assures me it's okay, they have all gone away. I sobbed in Your embrace, who am I to be so loved, my wounds on You and Your joy on I.
I will love You forever and serve You all my life. Cancel all my doubts, O God, and set my heart upon thine. I love You forever, You are my joy, my guidance, my vine.
-va-
What way, then... I have no idea. When will I be leaving, for where and when will I be back? I have never been so unknowing in my life yet I know I am not lost. He is my light, I just have to walk towards Him all the time. When the light gets dimmer, I know I haven't got it right, so I'll turn back to the direction where my light shines. The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
Trust me when I say I am never so unknowing in my life, I am finishing up an exam which I know not the results, they can either bring me further or pull me down; I am waiting for a scholarship which will provide me a chance, I do not know what will be the outcome; I am heading to somewhere, I do not know where and how can I get there; my sister is quiting her job, she loves it but she quits; my brother is far away, half a globe away, with less words than ever spoke before. Yet I am sure, this is not a free fall.
The Lord is my shepherd, what more can I ask? Jehovah Jireh, He gave me everything in my life. Each day, my first breath reminds me that He had preserved my life, each step, when my foot touch the ground, it reminds me that He had set my foot there. What more can I ask. All sin washed away, all dirt, all past scrape anew. I am clean, I am free, I am new, for You made me so.
You are my joy, You are my tears. You fill my heart with song when You say that You are near. How could this be? For all You've done for me, is that not enough? The abundance overwhelms my simple heart, yet You promise more good to come. You are my tears, when you said to me, Your love is enough, more intimate than lovers, more loving than fathers, who are You? And who am I to be so loved? But as I struggled in tear and dirt, Your spirit came, and wash them all away, You hold me tight in Your arms and assures me it's okay, they have all gone away. I sobbed in Your embrace, who am I to be so loved, my wounds on You and Your joy on I.
I will love You forever and serve You all my life. Cancel all my doubts, O God, and set my heart upon thine. I love You forever, You are my joy, my guidance, my vine.
-va-
Sunday, June 8, 2008
The Most Beautiful Flower of The Season.
Do you believe, that the most beautiful plant of the season bloom unintendedly? We would have think, the firy red and the cheerful green comes from months of nurture, heaps of effort. But the most beautifuls of the season, we bloomed unintended.
A spontanious act, a random conversation, a chain of acquaintance. We might not be the peak among the world, but we are certainly the most beautiful among the season. Carrying burdens of our own, each coming from a completely different route, we might not have met at all. Yet we did, our souls met, I was simply amazed, how can we be so similar, how can we be the same. Had all the people of the world share the same course, same choices and same struggles each day. Or it is just us who so unintendedly shared the same. But no, it is not the way we live our lives that makes us the same.
We shared. It doesn't matter what made us do so, the cold, the stress, the air, or truth or dare. I am glad to have the honour of bringing us together. For I had not done it in my own grace. It was, as I said, an unintented act. I may not have appreciated every moment we shared, but the only ones that I can make a point to remember is the things that we shared. Call me naive to have believed every thing that everyone has shared, it would be stupid to dwell in the world with so much faith in everyone, everywhere, but I do, believe, in everything we shared.
Shaun, you are the help in time of need. I hate the fact that I have been most stern with you, both in words and action, because I believe you to be, and will be a better man. I am sure that in anytime, anywhere, when anyone can call upon a help that would never reject, it is for yours. For sure, you have a kind soul. May you be as wonderful as you have ever been before, as wise as any man can ever ask for, and have all the joy in the world for all the kindness you have blessed others with.
Andrew, you are my joy. You have been great knowing all the mess you have to bear, but you would stand up for any causes that you care for. I believe you to be different, for in Christ you will be blessed. May you have all the confidence and faith in the world, knowing nobody is ever the best, we are just made and mold in different ways. And may Jesus be your guidance, source of faith and wisdom. Ask and it shall be given to you. My brother, my friend.
Pung, you are the special one. You have the something that none of us have. I do not have the word to describe your gift. I believe you to be able to put any gift of yours into full use, gaining more talents as you use them in the course of your life. Trust yourself to be set apart from the ordinary. Live your life like no one else can, do that simply because you can. Strengthen your faith in the Lord, try a freefall with Him. It would be amazing.
Gui Wei, you are the song. Yes, you are the song, not because you sing, but it is your life, your thoughts and your graceful steps that sang. I understand your appreciation, and truly admire your determination. That is one thing that I lack, I find it rare, but I found it in you. I am glad to be able to have you with me when I feels like dancing around, and singing along. You have always been a gracious friend and one that truly understands. May you have the guts to break through to the things that you already understand. Trust that you deserve the best. And sing on, for you are the song.
Pei Wen, you are the innocence. It must be obvious, from your laughs and your dependence. You have all the contentment in the world, and they bring you joy. But always, always, always be confident that you have a long road to go, and you will need all the faith you can muster to keep you standing. Seek forth, not only to live life, but to excel life. I am sorry that I had been ignorant of your appreation of me, I am sorry that I had been rude sometimes. You deserve all the support you can get in life and you certainly will be a treasure to have in my life.
Francis, you are an everlasting company. I am honoured to share your memories. It is not easy for someone to be found walking so closely to you for more than half your life. You are a uniquely gifted person. I believe you to own the power to command your life. Take control, take charge, you have the reasons to do so, and you certainly have the talents to allow you to do so. My old friend, I can tell you, you are ready, for so much more ahead of you. Take a step out to be far apart from your comfort zone, you might discover, you are more than just you.
Aanand, you are my friend. I know it may sound disappointing to say that you are "just" as friend. But I want you to know, friends are connected in the most magical way. We are neither related nor attached in any way. But we can talk so freely about something we wanted to share. Though in an unplanned situation, able to encourage and to truely share. It is as though I walked in your shoes through your time. And I am glad you gave me the privilege to do so. In times to come, I will always pray for you to find the happiness like no other, a greater friend like no other, an undefined love that will make you stutter and a life that is an inspiration to others.
Esther, you are the last one I am to defined, you are the voyager. I believe so because you can see the routes, and the lightness of heart like one. I am truly sorry that we couldn't spend more time knowing each other, it would have been sweet memories altogether. In fact, I say you can take care of youself well, you are not a worry to us but in faith, I say you have all the choices you can ever ask for. So it is always up to you to decide which route you would take. May you have all the strength to make that choice and to stay firm in whatever you have chose, whatever route you take.
I thank you, most beautifuls of the season. We may each take a different path after the short-lived bloom, but we will remain as the most beautifuls of this season, our season. You are my most beautiful, because you are special to me.
Yours truly, always,
-va-
A spontanious act, a random conversation, a chain of acquaintance. We might not be the peak among the world, but we are certainly the most beautiful among the season. Carrying burdens of our own, each coming from a completely different route, we might not have met at all. Yet we did, our souls met, I was simply amazed, how can we be so similar, how can we be the same. Had all the people of the world share the same course, same choices and same struggles each day. Or it is just us who so unintendedly shared the same. But no, it is not the way we live our lives that makes us the same.
We shared. It doesn't matter what made us do so, the cold, the stress, the air, or truth or dare. I am glad to have the honour of bringing us together. For I had not done it in my own grace. It was, as I said, an unintented act. I may not have appreciated every moment we shared, but the only ones that I can make a point to remember is the things that we shared. Call me naive to have believed every thing that everyone has shared, it would be stupid to dwell in the world with so much faith in everyone, everywhere, but I do, believe, in everything we shared.
Shaun, you are the help in time of need. I hate the fact that I have been most stern with you, both in words and action, because I believe you to be, and will be a better man. I am sure that in anytime, anywhere, when anyone can call upon a help that would never reject, it is for yours. For sure, you have a kind soul. May you be as wonderful as you have ever been before, as wise as any man can ever ask for, and have all the joy in the world for all the kindness you have blessed others with.
Andrew, you are my joy. You have been great knowing all the mess you have to bear, but you would stand up for any causes that you care for. I believe you to be different, for in Christ you will be blessed. May you have all the confidence and faith in the world, knowing nobody is ever the best, we are just made and mold in different ways. And may Jesus be your guidance, source of faith and wisdom. Ask and it shall be given to you. My brother, my friend.
Pung, you are the special one. You have the something that none of us have. I do not have the word to describe your gift. I believe you to be able to put any gift of yours into full use, gaining more talents as you use them in the course of your life. Trust yourself to be set apart from the ordinary. Live your life like no one else can, do that simply because you can. Strengthen your faith in the Lord, try a freefall with Him. It would be amazing.
Gui Wei, you are the song. Yes, you are the song, not because you sing, but it is your life, your thoughts and your graceful steps that sang. I understand your appreciation, and truly admire your determination. That is one thing that I lack, I find it rare, but I found it in you. I am glad to be able to have you with me when I feels like dancing around, and singing along. You have always been a gracious friend and one that truly understands. May you have the guts to break through to the things that you already understand. Trust that you deserve the best. And sing on, for you are the song.
Pei Wen, you are the innocence. It must be obvious, from your laughs and your dependence. You have all the contentment in the world, and they bring you joy. But always, always, always be confident that you have a long road to go, and you will need all the faith you can muster to keep you standing. Seek forth, not only to live life, but to excel life. I am sorry that I had been ignorant of your appreation of me, I am sorry that I had been rude sometimes. You deserve all the support you can get in life and you certainly will be a treasure to have in my life.
Francis, you are an everlasting company. I am honoured to share your memories. It is not easy for someone to be found walking so closely to you for more than half your life. You are a uniquely gifted person. I believe you to own the power to command your life. Take control, take charge, you have the reasons to do so, and you certainly have the talents to allow you to do so. My old friend, I can tell you, you are ready, for so much more ahead of you. Take a step out to be far apart from your comfort zone, you might discover, you are more than just you.
Aanand, you are my friend. I know it may sound disappointing to say that you are "just" as friend. But I want you to know, friends are connected in the most magical way. We are neither related nor attached in any way. But we can talk so freely about something we wanted to share. Though in an unplanned situation, able to encourage and to truely share. It is as though I walked in your shoes through your time. And I am glad you gave me the privilege to do so. In times to come, I will always pray for you to find the happiness like no other, a greater friend like no other, an undefined love that will make you stutter and a life that is an inspiration to others.
Esther, you are the last one I am to defined, you are the voyager. I believe so because you can see the routes, and the lightness of heart like one. I am truly sorry that we couldn't spend more time knowing each other, it would have been sweet memories altogether. In fact, I say you can take care of youself well, you are not a worry to us but in faith, I say you have all the choices you can ever ask for. So it is always up to you to decide which route you would take. May you have all the strength to make that choice and to stay firm in whatever you have chose, whatever route you take.
I thank you, most beautifuls of the season. We may each take a different path after the short-lived bloom, but we will remain as the most beautifuls of this season, our season. You are my most beautiful, because you are special to me.
Yours truly, always,
-va-
Friday, June 6, 2008
与博客过的一个夜
她也就像任何一个普通的女生。在夜里，穿上了一件稍旧的 T-Shirt，一件一样旧的运动裤，湿湿的头发盘坐在电脑前不如一回事的嘀嘀嗒嗒的打了一篇又一篇的部落各。手指的动作是如此熟练，仿佛失去了那份原有的悸动。谁又知道心急的她是在挣扎着把那片心情放上那无人浏览的网址。无人浏览的那空间，不是为了让人了解，只求那份心情可以找个地方，自由妄想。
他也就像任何一个普通的男生。在夜里，穿上了稍旧的夹克，一件一样旧的短裤在公寓的花园和那一班老朋友聊些有的没的。人字拖在那石地上踢踢踏踏的，走过了她那片心情。他的步伐是如此的不在意，仿佛稍微失去了旋律。谁有知道他即将离去，去那好遥远好遥远的离去。无人了解的距离，不是让人心碎，而是让人回想，思考，冲刺，再去追求那梦想。
她也不过是比别人较情绪化一点点，想得较多一点点，性格较不同一点点，文字较复杂一点点。不是一种打扰，至少她希望她不是他生活上的干扰，只是不时会想要谈谈天；在他回家时，跟他去看看电影，尴尬一下下。一份不知去路的感情，没有负担的爱情，久久一次的温情，和稍微越轨的友情。这样就够了。这样就够了。
他也不过是比别人较颓废一点点，想得较深一点点，性格较与众不同一点点，文字较少一点点。不是一个困扰，至少他只是她的一个困扰。不时会想要弹弹吉他；在她想跟他聊天时，说说一些生活上的一点点，不时偷偷暗示他好想好想她，想跟以前一样，带她回家。一份不知所措的感情，没有防范的爱情，不时不时地殷勤，和稍微特别的友情。好像还不错的呢。好像感觉不错的。
博客的她好怀念那个好久不见的他。好紧张在这周末会见到他吧。会怎么不同吗？还是跟以前一样，有着那甜甜的尴尬。
-梁毓华-
他也就像任何一个普通的男生。在夜里，穿上了稍旧的夹克，一件一样旧的短裤在公寓的花园和那一班老朋友聊些有的没的。人字拖在那石地上踢踢踏踏的，走过了她那片心情。他的步伐是如此的不在意，仿佛稍微失去了旋律。谁有知道他即将离去，去那好遥远好遥远的离去。无人了解的距离，不是让人心碎，而是让人回想，思考，冲刺，再去追求那梦想。
她也不过是比别人较情绪化一点点，想得较多一点点，性格较不同一点点，文字较复杂一点点。不是一种打扰，至少她希望她不是他生活上的干扰，只是不时会想要谈谈天；在他回家时，跟他去看看电影，尴尬一下下。一份不知去路的感情，没有负担的爱情，久久一次的温情，和稍微越轨的友情。这样就够了。这样就够了。
他也不过是比别人较颓废一点点，想得较深一点点，性格较与众不同一点点，文字较少一点点。不是一个困扰，至少他只是她的一个困扰。不时会想要弹弹吉他；在她想跟他聊天时，说说一些生活上的一点点，不时偷偷暗示他好想好想她，想跟以前一样，带她回家。一份不知所措的感情，没有防范的爱情，不时不时地殷勤，和稍微特别的友情。好像还不错的呢。好像感觉不错的。
博客的她好怀念那个好久不见的他。好紧张在这周末会见到他吧。会怎么不同吗？还是跟以前一样，有着那甜甜的尴尬。
-梁毓华-
Saturday, May 31, 2008
White Love Story
White Love Story 
애즈 원
커피프린스 1호점 OST
처음엔 알지 못했어
나를 보는 그대의 그 눈빛이
왜 그렇게 안타까웠는지
나를 보는 그대의 그 눈빛이
왜 그렇게 안타까웠는지
언제나 묻고 싶던 말
아주 조금 내 맘 알고 있는지
아주 조금 내 맘 알고 있는지
한번도 얘기한 적 없었지만
이젠 아는데 그대도 나처럼
하루하룰 헤매였던 걸
잠들 수 없이
너무 아파했었다는 걸 손을 잡아요다
시는 그대 놓지 않을게
사랑해요 내가 숨쉬는 날까지
그대로 멈춰버렸죠
나에겐 늘
모질게만 대하던 그대가
날 보며 웃어주던 날
이젠 아는데 그대도 나처럼
하루하루 헤매였던 걸
잠들 수 없이
너무 아파했었다는 걸
손을 잡았죠
다시는 나를 놓지 말아요
다시는 나를 놓지 말아요
사랑해요 내가 눈감는 날까지
울지 않아요 이제 그대
내 곁에 있으니
고마워요 이렇게 모자란 내게
그대를 선물해줘서
........................................................................................................................................................
I didn't know when I first met you, why I get so flustered when you look at me. I've always wanted to ask, if you understood just a little of my feelings, even though I've never told you. How you were always a wonder to me, the way you are, far apart yet fit so well in every picture. Your words still resound in my mind whenever I hear this song.
Now I know how we are all the same, just as lost and walking about in our lives alone. Just like others, share thoughts that keep us from sleep. I tried to know you more, walked every place that you have been before, try every taste and meet the same people that you have met. With my pace, hoping to finally catch up with you one day, and share our walks later. Hold my hand, and I will never let go of you again. I love you, as long as I breathe.
Things stood still when you, who always had been so quiet and distanced, smiled a me that day. I was so surprised and glad that we are friends, connected with the briefest moments. And now I understand, how we are the same, just as lost and somewhat confused, a little afraid of the future. Hold my hand, never let go of me again, I love you, till the day I close my eyes in rest.
I will be fine, knowing that you are by my side. Thank you, for giving me, who is not worthy, the gift of your presence in my life.
-white girl-
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
welcome home~!
Did you know, I had this dream before, where I smiled when I woke up. I remember it well, I was in the National Service then. It must have been more than one year ago from now. You called to say you have arrived safely in KL then. It was just that brief. You in the car, the city scene start filling the view of the window beside you, you had the phone to your ear and said you are in KL already, probably with a smile.
I woke up smiling. It's just a pure joy that warmed me from the inside. In the mist of neatly lined-up beds and the weather somewhat colder because we are far from the city. I could imagine other girls being all clingy and teary when that someone special is leaving; but I simply cannot deny the joy to know that my someone special is after his dream and while we are far apart yet somehow so knitted in understood terms and such strong faith that we would be together again.
And here we are now, you have finished your studies and heading for somewhere further and a dream bigger. Yet I still have the same faith and same addiction to you. I'm struggling for words now to type out the utmost happiness that you have came to me and said "I'm back in Penang.". To think that you have turn to give me these words, it is just so surreal. You had always come and go without letting me know, with such a personality so careless and slow.
Even if it is the smallest action, I am just so glad that you have given me the privilege to take a small step into your life. Welcome home, I would shout to the apartment tomorrow. =P
-tree-hugger-
I woke up smiling. It's just a pure joy that warmed me from the inside. In the mist of neatly lined-up beds and the weather somewhat colder because we are far from the city. I could imagine other girls being all clingy and teary when that someone special is leaving; but I simply cannot deny the joy to know that my someone special is after his dream and while we are far apart yet somehow so knitted in understood terms and such strong faith that we would be together again.
And here we are now, you have finished your studies and heading for somewhere further and a dream bigger. Yet I still have the same faith and same addiction to you. I'm struggling for words now to type out the utmost happiness that you have came to me and said "I'm back in Penang.". To think that you have turn to give me these words, it is just so surreal. You had always come and go without letting me know, with such a personality so careless and slow.
Even if it is the smallest action, I am just so glad that you have given me the privilege to take a small step into your life. Welcome home, I would shout to the apartment tomorrow. =P
-tree-hugger-
Monday, May 26, 2008
love song
I fell in love with love songs lately. They sing it so well as though they are telling their own story. I wonder how will our love song sound like, then I wonder how will it be possible to put all that happened in a song of mere minutes yet it seemed like each song say enough to tell the whole story.
I especially love song that come with a deep cut in the heart, no matter how sanguine I appear to be, I appreciates the melancholic part of me. Love songs became an addiction, the way they sing with so much emotion that it is painful to listen, yet at the end of the song you find yourself smiling with tears. How could we be fighting fiction all along but end up being a part of the story ourselves? Could we have been like those in the songs?
Maybe it was just me all along. I thought I was simply looking at a beautiful picture in a gallery, to have look at it so often that you became more than a habit. A distanced admiration that I cling on to so much. Till the distances dissolves in, till barely anything is left to keep the mildest relationship, but it was too late. However much it burdens my heart, no matter how much struggles were made, you became too painful to be let go of.
Waiting upon your return every time, for the light to shine through your windows. To pray for you each night, to take a detour back to every place that we share the briefest memories, to speak to you through the wind in the softest voice, and above all the faith that I keep in something so vague. I enjoyed every moment of it. Be it alone or with you. I try to remember every smile, every detail, everything that I can, fearing to lose any bit of it.
I will be sure, be brave and be wise, to love you as you should be loved, with every ounce of strength and support I can muster. To wait upon each one of your returns.
-someone else-
I especially love song that come with a deep cut in the heart, no matter how sanguine I appear to be, I appreciates the melancholic part of me. Love songs became an addiction, the way they sing with so much emotion that it is painful to listen, yet at the end of the song you find yourself smiling with tears. How could we be fighting fiction all along but end up being a part of the story ourselves? Could we have been like those in the songs?
Maybe it was just me all along. I thought I was simply looking at a beautiful picture in a gallery, to have look at it so often that you became more than a habit. A distanced admiration that I cling on to so much. Till the distances dissolves in, till barely anything is left to keep the mildest relationship, but it was too late. However much it burdens my heart, no matter how much struggles were made, you became too painful to be let go of.
Waiting upon your return every time, for the light to shine through your windows. To pray for you each night, to take a detour back to every place that we share the briefest memories, to speak to you through the wind in the softest voice, and above all the faith that I keep in something so vague. I enjoyed every moment of it. Be it alone or with you. I try to remember every smile, every detail, everything that I can, fearing to lose any bit of it.
I will be sure, be brave and be wise, to love you as you should be loved, with every ounce of strength and support I can muster. To wait upon each one of your returns.
-someone else-
Monday, May 19, 2008
Dear you, miss me.
I'm just so happy, so glad that you are coming back. I've always been the one asking, "when are you coming back?" That's because I'm always nervous and don't know what to say. It seemed right to ask. This time, you replied "Very soon," And I don't know how to react. Very soon. This week? Oh...must be this weekend. And I was really happy, I sat where I always sit, and I turned back to see the place that you always occupy, right at the back, near the door. And nope.
But I was not disappointed, I smiled. Hmm...now you're making me think. A cheeky trap. But I am just so happy, whenever it is, it will be very soon. Then I saw you again, and I asked, "What's so dangerous?" And you said "You." And I smiled and asked again, "When are you coming back?" and you said, "very soon" So I waited. I shouted to your apartment from the highway on my way home, "Come home!" And I smiled, because I know you are, very soon.
It is Sunday again, maybe I'll see you in church today. I went and sat where I sat, so happy afterwards when they need my help at the back. I'd be much closer to you if you are home. But you aren't, but I smile, I must have been thinking too much about you, why esle would I care so much. I even blushed for the first time.
Whenever "very soon" maybe, I'll be waiting just right here. Dear you, miss me.
-white girl-
But I was not disappointed, I smiled. Hmm...now you're making me think. A cheeky trap. But I am just so happy, whenever it is, it will be very soon. Then I saw you again, and I asked, "What's so dangerous?" And you said "You." And I smiled and asked again, "When are you coming back?" and you said, "very soon" So I waited. I shouted to your apartment from the highway on my way home, "Come home!" And I smiled, because I know you are, very soon.
It is Sunday again, maybe I'll see you in church today. I went and sat where I sat, so happy afterwards when they need my help at the back. I'd be much closer to you if you are home. But you aren't, but I smile, I must have been thinking too much about you, why esle would I care so much. I even blushed for the first time.
Whenever "very soon" maybe, I'll be waiting just right here. Dear you, miss me.
-white girl-
Thursday, May 15, 2008
slow =P
Of course we are slow, I don't blame anyone else. I just realize how slow I can be sometimes! Two whole days! That's how long it took for me to go whoopie over his return. It's almost as long as DHL takes to send my letter to New York! For two days I had been waking up late in the morning, had simple meals and watch too much TV. The happy hormons didn't even got pumped into my brains! Am I slow or what?!
Then it kicked in about just 5 minutes ago. I have no idea what hit me. It's just. "Whoopie~" He's coming home! And there was a leap in my tummy, we're going for movies, and I'll be seeing him on Sundays, and I hope he can make it for Fu's party. And he said I look lovely~ Wow... Ha..woa...
Then just as soon as it came it went away for a while, then it came back. I just can't help smiling. No matter how long we have to go, 2 years, or 4 years, I will always be happy to when I know he's coming home. Even if in the future, when I'm not around, I'll still pray for his mercy journey, home to see his family. And hopefully that would be the time when I can come home too.
Whatever it may be, he'll be a great joy to me. Even if we may only meet once a year, or we'll both be busy for the rest of the year. A simple conversation across the globe would bring me smiles and sunshine. Maybe I'll still be running this blog, crossing its five years birthday, still writing about all the small small things that I could not forget. I'll still go whoopie in whatever country I maybe studying then, in my own small room, in front of the laptop. Whoopie, he's going home, and I'll be home a few days before him or after him, anyhow, I'll be seeing him again.
I am just happy to hear from you again, and to see you again, do you know tha
t? No matter it is five years or ten years away, I'm just glad that you will be back.
welcome home,
-white girl-
Then it kicked in about just 5 minutes ago. I have no idea what hit me. It's just. "Whoopie~" He's coming home! And there was a leap in my tummy, we're going for movies, and I'll be seeing him on Sundays, and I hope he can make it for Fu's party. And he said I look lovely~ Wow... Ha..woa...Then just as soon as it came it went away for a while, then it came back. I just can't help smiling. No matter how long we have to go, 2 years, or 4 years, I will always be happy to when I know he's coming home. Even if in the future, when I'm not around, I'll still pray for his mercy journey, home to see his family. And hopefully that would be the time when I can come home too.
Whatever it may be, he'll be a great joy to me. Even if we may only meet once a year, or we'll both be busy for the rest of the year. A simple conversation across the globe would bring me smiles and sunshine. Maybe I'll still be running this blog, crossing its five years birthday, still writing about all the small small things that I could not forget. I'll still go whoopie in whatever country I maybe studying then, in my own small room, in front of the laptop. Whoopie, he's going home, and I'll be home a few days before him or after him, anyhow, I'll be seeing him again.
I am just happy to hear from you again, and to see you again, do you know tha
t? No matter it is five years or ten years away, I'm just glad that you will be back.welcome home,
-white girl-
Friday, May 9, 2008
All due respect
Haven't really post a casual post lately, just suddenly feel like being simple agan.. Life's been dry. Exams closing up on us. Finally, we are finally escaping from bad education. Leaving in such confused state, somehow more confused that when we first got in. We must have been really different. To have played truth or dare in the garden late at night, dancing on the grass and shouting to the highway like a bunch of drunkards.I'd miss these days. Sometimes I think real hard, wondering if I could remember every detail like how I have left NS and forgot some parts of the beauty of a bunch of seventeen year old living together. All those chatroom conversation that make no sense. I would miss them. Of course I will, the great 7 of us. I think I barely studied these few days, but the other six really did some serious reading. Haha...
We shared our hidden self and some intimate details, what happened in the garden stays in the garden. It's amazing our friendship is just as pure and as sincere, with such great respect to one another. All being people of different background, come together at one blissful night, total spontanious. How many of these outbreaks can one have in a lifetime. I would not ask for much, one would be enough for the memory, a token of the process of growing up. Breaking up ourselves so to be able to grow more.
Growing up is no doubt painful. How else is one supposed to grow up unless we first allow ourselves to be broken. I still wonder the moment when we screamed into the night, was it a cry of desparate pain of breaking up ourselves. I surely do not think sober people would have expressed in such outrage. We shared a moment of metamorphosis. We cried and broke and grew.I am just glad that we shared the moment of change. Despite anything that would come about in our lives, such different paths and futures, we grew, together.
7 Nightstanders!
-Va-
Dedicated to my dearest friends, Bi Wen, Andrew, Aanand, Francis, Gui Wei (Shang), Shaun.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Letter to you..
Hey, *sign language*.
Hi, I think you should be home already. I hope you got home safely, took the s
ame old night bus again? I am still not use to being here, almost too sad to have to leave the habit of waiting for your return..yes, from the lights that shine through your curtain. I could see it from my room, or sometimes from the balcony. It would be well enough to put me to sleep.
ame old night bus again? I am still not use to being here, almost too sad to have to leave the habit of waiting for your return..yes, from the lights that shine through your curtain. I could see it from my room, or sometimes from the balcony. It would be well enough to put me to sleep.I'm really happy that you're home. Though I didn't have a too much of a good time, felt like I failed badly during the youth service. But Pam spoke to me. I think I just learned what God has been trying to say to me. That is probably why He keep telling me to read the book of Job, I would have been so unprepared if I had missed out on this call too. In everything, give thanks. So I would give thanks to God for teaching me to fail, once, for real. The fall made the rest of the day wonderful.
Oh yea, I played basketball with the boys and aunty Wen Er just now. Fu's getting real good at it, of course, we insisted that it's his height..lolz. Ah Li is not bad too, he just gotta work out more, hahaa, that lazy one. We played in INTI's court, the one that we've always played in, every Chinese New Year. I secretly think it is a tradition, that everyone would be home and we can do all sort of crazy things, and have dinner together after sweatin a whole lot. I don't think I would put this in if it is a real letter to you. It would have look so stupid but I enjoy every moment of writing it.
I still try to use the highway everytime I go home from the church, and would pretend to talk to you for a few seconds. Sometimes I just let the music playing from the radio do the talking, Pam thinks it's sweet that we wind down the window that day to say good morning to you.
Hope everything is well, and good morning to you. =)
Your friend,
me.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
gibberish
I'm really happy, very much giddy. Among the butterflies in my stomach and puffy clouds in my mind, I think I feel some heartache and the feelings that can't be describe in words... I want you to go, the satisfaction of you in pursuing your dreams is the utmost happiness I can find in me. Knowing you are doing what you like to do drives me to go forth to achieve my ambitions. Somehow I find the faith to believe that we would be fine, just like how we are now. You will still be away working hard for your future, one that I hope I can share and I will be wherever I am to pray for you every night.
Dear Lord, please let him have all the joy and happiness, may he always find favour in Your eyes. Let him walk in Your way, according to Your will and always be faithful to You. Bless his family, though they may be far apart, let them always be in harmony and filled with love and care from one another. May You always be with him, every step that he takes. Thank you for Your blessing upon the man whom I care for. Amen.
Somewhere in me, a belief sparked, I believe that we would be like this, till a day when we shall meet again, it would be God's timing for us. For now, I will wait, in silent faith and prayer that you would always be fine, no matter where you are. May you find love.
A sense of sadness suddenly hit on me after I typed the last sentence. A loud pang on my head. May you find love. And the Father said, "I did not give you a spirit of fear," No matter how much I would hope for an assurance that never came, I shall have my trust upon you, upon God. That we will meet again, and we would be in better position to love and be loved. I will miss you, always. And so I will wait.
With love and prayer,
me.
Dear Lord, please let him have all the joy and happiness, may he always find favour in Your eyes. Let him walk in Your way, according to Your will and always be faithful to You. Bless his family, though they may be far apart, let them always be in harmony and filled with love and care from one another. May You always be with him, every step that he takes. Thank you for Your blessing upon the man whom I care for. Amen.
Somewhere in me, a belief sparked, I believe that we would be like this, till a day when we shall meet again, it would be God's timing for us. For now, I will wait, in silent faith and prayer that you would always be fine, no matter where you are. May you find love.
A sense of sadness suddenly hit on me after I typed the last sentence. A loud pang on my head. May you find love. And the Father said, "I did not give you a spirit of fear," No matter how much I would hope for an assurance that never came, I shall have my trust upon you, upon God. That we will meet again, and we would be in better position to love and be loved. I will miss you, always. And so I will wait.
With love and prayer,
me.
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