Tuesday, January 29, 2008

what's good?

Well, not much of the usual crap for today. I just felt like talking like a normal person suddenly. What's good?

I got a few sets of Chinese New Year clothes...I'm kinda hoping that they can last till cho pat but so far this is what i've got:-
1. Adidas navy polo T (Thailand May Garden)
2. Poor Little Rich Girl T (Dubai - Ian's present)
3. Black Lycra hoodie (Esprit 40% off)
4. Cute khakis shorts (Esprit)
5. Full Print Brown Top (Esprit)
4. Europe Music Award Munich 2007 Limited T- white (Esprit)
6. Billabong denim minis (half price)
7. Billabong blue v-neck tank top (half price)
8. AIG football jersey (mom's present)
okay so far that is.. 6 tops, 2 bottoms and 1 jacket...hmm...I think I need some jeans...

I better make a list then..:
1. a pair of jeans. preferable Levi's.
2. a pair of quarter long pants.
3. A hoodie T top
4. a couple of blouses
5. a pair of flats
6. a cute ladylike sandals
7. a 2 piece swim suit.

okay I'm done.

I earn every bit of them k? lol, I am working hard on getting my scholarships! And yes, i think mom n dad should reward me a teeny weenie bit.

So far I've:-
1. went to see my annoying old maid headmistress to get my recommendation done.
2. certified all my photocopied certs
3. well before that, photocopied all my certs. 4 copies.

Now I just needa:-
1. pass my other 3 recommendations out.
2. collect the 3s back
3. Write my 2 statement essays
4. fill in the form

See? lol. I so deserve another shopping trip!! Muahahhahaa~~~


Monday, January 7, 2008


The beauty of misidentification. When one is covered up under the shade of misidentification, courage and freedom is stretched beyond the boundaries of an identified being. Just as if I am in a state of drunkenness, I would write, of such fascination. And one can say or write or think of things so out of mind that not one word made its sense, not one insult would cause any pain, no declaration would be a surprise and no love can be real.

Given a sillhoute to be someone esle in a moment. Would you have the guts to stand up, walk straight and have all the confidence in the world. Or the similar fear would still bind the spirit from being free to speak up and live every single moment of misidentification. Just as one can converse so freely in another's indentity, speaking of her mind and having no expectations of anything in a conversation that it became a light sweet free moment of true friendship.

Ask and you shall receive. But do not greed. Be hopeful of today but do not chase after anything of the world. Given whichever identity, known or not known. I shall not greed. I shall be hopeful but not greed. To have the heart to go back to the most beginning. The innocence, purity and a child-like faith.



Hmm...don't mind me if I ask. to my dear readers. what is you name? how'd you know it's your name in the first place? If everyone call you something esle than that does that become your name too? Or you can simply pick a word to become you name, maybe you can even pick something which is not a word to be your name? Like a painting for instance. What if you name is not your name? I don't think I'm wrong to say that one's individuality does not directly connect to one's name, or can even be absolutely a different matter than a name. Surely someone can live without a name. or with too many names.

What if...this is not me writting at all? Or it's not my words that I am speaking. maybe it's not even my own story that I am telling..or these thoughts are just too random. Wait...if there is really so little to be contained in a name, anyone at all can be of a different identity. a different name. in a different circumstance. a different environment. A sense of liberation. I am to be who I want to be.

There's nothing impressive to find out that one can be anything one thinks he is or what he wants to be once you know that the best thing that I can be is to be myself. in this moment, this place, in this name and this very protection.


Saturday, January 5, 2008

the return

He doesn't know, he must not have known. that his return brought about mine. how could it be..did i not write as much when he was gone. no. perhaps not as real. i had not had this burden for some time. to pour out and write. while drunkenness in my mind. but you are going away..should this be the second last time i would see you again.

yes, i walk through the streets again. drove with my inadequate skills in hope of seeing you again. and wandered in places we've been. rejoice when Ian plan to have lunch in the same place we met before. in hope for a coincidence. i shall not be in want. the Lord is my shepherd. i shall not be in want.

i was sorry. i am sorry. and will always be sorry. for i do not possess the skill of conversing with calmness and grace with someone whom seem too much like a dream to me. of being rude and protective of taken into account too much advices. persuasion. it is not in my comfort that i had missed you. so too many times. and each time i would catch your stare. or at least know you had looked. and i had hidden. i am sorry. i must have hurt your feelings. or at least i had hurt mine.

i still watch you in silence and enjoy the moments of being invisible. my idiocy and stupidity in hope of staying that way..prayers. so i shall pray and wait upon the Lord. my wishes would be at least we can stay this way. somewhat intimate in a distanced way. without either of us noticing the presence of the other.

i assure you however that as much pain i had caused on you, it had been as much burden to me so. and every smile and your mere presence still mesmerise me. i will always and always treasure every moment of it. and rejoice in every prayer for you. thank you. for your return. and mine.




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