Monday, July 16, 2007


Departing from my used-to-be comfort zone. Where I used to live, a cocoon of dreams and thoughts, of wishes and empty hopes. The beauty of inexistent reality, the only thing that is permanant seems to be the changes...thoughts forever evovling just like rolling a snowball. Letting the new thoughts covering the old thoughts. More thoughts. Fantasy. A snowball of fantasy.

I still miss those days where I dreams off into the drunkenness and think thoughts. Ignorant of the reality is never close to dreams. I prefered the my mind's work of art than the paintings of this world. Smiling to my own works. How wonderfully stupid. Gone are those days. Seeing things I shouldn't see, hearing words shouldn't be said and so much growing up to do. I could not stay young, time did not stop, people couldn't help changing, this world refused to slow down. tired of the pace... oh it started again.. the twirling of earth. I'm just so worn out, by the late nights and being exile in a crowd. Nobody knew me. We never shared the same shoes. We did not shared the same air. Were we even present in the same space? They did not know and my burdens. Me and my drunkenness. Me and the inner pain. Abnormal of me to cherish the pain. I cherish my pains.

Inability of dreaming anymore, a forced soberness and the compelling departure. I left. Killed myself. Witness my own death. The ending and the beginning. Here I am again. In this place, just as much a stranger as any other stranger to this town. With a lil backpack of clothes, my cellphone, a mp3 player, this laptop and another bunch of 1st times. I heard it is warm in the day and cool in the nights. Did my silent departure awaken your more wishes. I know it didn't. My relief, my pain...

I'm here but I'm not back. I'm eva but I'm not me. I'm the pain but it doesn't hurt anymore. I'm bitterness but no more envious. I'm beauty but I'm not gorgeous. I am dead but I took my breathe back. Who am I? No new name, none new identity, neither a new location or a strange town. I am me, but what makes me me? All I know is I left and but here I am.

My departure. Cherish my pain.


Friday, July 13, 2007


Artist: Augustana
Song: Boston
Album: All The Stars And Boulevards

in the light of the sun, is there anyone? oh it has begun...
oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,

this world you must've said...

you don't know me, you don't even care,
oh yea, she said,

you don't know me, you don't wear my chains...oh yea, yea.

essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts
cross an open field,

when flowers gazed at you...they're not the only ones
who cry

when they see you
you said...

you don't know me, you don't even care,
oh yea, she said,

you don't know me, you don't wear my chains...

she said i think i'll go to Boston...
i think i'll start a new life,
i think i'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
i'll get out of California, i'm tired of the weather,
i think i'll get a lover and fly em out to spain...

i think i'll go to boston,
i think that i'm just tired
i think i need a new town, to leave this all behind...
i think i need a sunrise, i'm tired of the sunset,
i hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice...
Boston...where no one knows my name...


Thursday, July 12, 2007

Killing Eva - The Ultimate Release

Killing the soul of somebody may seems to be hard, even harder than a cold blooded murder. Killing one's physical does not determine the death of the soul. The same theory applies, killing one's soul does not determine the death of the physical.

Finally tired of the waiting, the writing, the thinking, the confusion, the lost, the beaten up feeling and all those dependence of him. Killing Eva is a slow long process. The murder started when I thought my life started. Hmm...such similarities between the beginning and the end. The beginning of a life, the ending of a soul.

Waited all along. From strangers to friends, the distance of the air to thousand miles away, an awkward wave to a hearty laugh. It all must come to an end. No more clinging on the mere relationship, no more hanging on the ever changing distance, no more holding on an unintended joke. Killed the soul, release the nothingless.

Flying solo. The breathe I finally get back. Killing eva - my ultimate release.

released 0022 12.07.2007

Sunday, July 8, 2007

I have A God

I have a God...
He saw me through the years.
He watched me fell, stood up, and stumbled again, until He couldn't stand the heartache and took the falls for me.
He watched my tears, always in the nights when I'm tired and sad. He couldn't stand the pain and took the pain for me.
He saw through my life, when I was in a mess and when I was doing better than I should. He felt the confusion and aimlessness, until He came down and shined His light on me.
He was there when I lost my balance, giving up. He couldn't let me go and reached out to hold my hands.

I have a God...
He is as loving as a father, as caring as a mother, as funny as a brother, as close as a sister. He alone can become my only family.
He is like the sunshine, wherever He goes, perfection follows. He alone can bring me all the joy and made me smile in the mist of the busied people around me.
He is like the music, the spontaniously graceful. He made me sing in the quietness, dance in the wind, shout to the sky. He is so freely beautiful.
He is always there... When you know He is, life couldn't get any better... The best dreams, perfect background music, with all the flowers and blue sky bluer than any that you've ever seen.

Life is simply perfect when You are there. I have a God, He is the God.



as night falls in...tiredness eases in... and emotion rushed in... my existent evaporated. It's a slow process, yet so obvious that I can see pieces of me disappeared into the air. I couldn't do anything about it, so I laid back and savour my slow disappearance... savour the pain and the lightness of departing into the air. Wonderful isn't it? Of slow death. Painful isn't it? When nobody cares.

my tiredness evaporated, so lightly into thin air. The burden was never fair for me to bear... Let go, I allowed myself to be inexistent...tired of this world, tired of these places, tired of these people, tired of these faces; slowly losing traces. Let my tiredness evaporate...

my love evaporated, so lightly into thin air. my affection to these people...losing hope, would we ever be the same again? Losing hope, would you ever look me in the eye again? Loving such burden and such burden of loving... Burdens evaporate into thin air. Don't that nobody cared...

my life evaporated, so lightly into thin air. of the pain and cuts , falls and wounds; never healed, that's the words...never healed...My life, of complication...Such inexistent...Slow slow death... If anyone could've have saved me, none seems to care.

Finally me myself evaporated into the thin air. Shh...i'm dead.


Wednesday, July 4, 2007


I used to live in an apartment by the sea. I would wake up really early, bathe and look down to the window that would light up after I finished changing, looked out to the dark sky from the balcony and said a silent prayer. Grabbed my breakfast and walk slowly out in the breeze on the gloomy cool road to where my school bus will arrive. Breathing in the air, soothingly cool.

I was never much of a good girl. I would simply sleep through classes even if it was my final year in high school. Girls' school had been like a savage community trapped in an old building, such real place, with all the people that you would meet in the real world. Some sincere and innocent, others tend to be just as practical and they are plainly the people that we meet everyday. Those who would have the basic instincts of protecting themselves first and those who seek they way bending though in between the people.

Exhausted of a day's thought, I let my thoughts slowly descend on the way home...the last few to go off from the bus. Lunches had alone. Napping in the living room to be awaken by the children laughter before evening comes. Strangers under one roof, I did not know many of my neighbours yet we spent days and weeks and months sharing the same air, savouring the same night sky, drinking in the similar serenity of this place.

Those nights are the nights that I missed the most. When I would sit on my bed beside the window, looking out to the view outside, thinking of thoughts that never became thoughts. People that walked in and out of the picture, those who stopped and others who rushed about. And of the beam though the curtains. When everybody else in the house went to bed, my inspiration would start flowing..of on-coming words that are beaded into strings of black pearls. Stripped of my thoughts and indulged in the drunkenness that crashed to me, my subconscious found ways to interpret my life. Voices of my heart to be put into words. Wonderful beautiful paintings word can paint. Colours of words...the black and white of words became multicolour as alphabets are being put into places like pieces of jigsaw puzzles.

Such a place where no words can describe, a place shared with thousand where I spent time with myself and myself alone. Chasing over the lights in the night, back to the basics of life. Please bring me back, help me find the door, bring me out of this coldness...

B block 5th floor... a place seemed to be the edge of the world...we shared the same nightsky, you and me. Where we shared the nightsky.

I found comfort in you.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

I know

I didn't knew there was a man
Died on the cross He gave himself
For the life of mine
Would He had done the same
If all these times
I was the only one?

I know...
In the darkest of the nights
The lowest of my heart
Beneath my broken soul
Jesus You are there

In the pain of all this world
Wound of all these years
Lost among the faces
I can always find You there

There inside my heart
There to bring me home
There to hold my hands
I can feel Your warmth


To Fu, thank you =)
To God, I love You. =D



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