Showing posts with label Christianity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christianity. Show all posts

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Seven at Seven

Sometime this time every year, Student Life Canterbury would have a night out for a few students that had shown immense growth in their spiritual walk. They are the fat and simple ones. Like me. Faithful, Available and Teachable; plus Spirit filled life, initiative evangelism, methods and material, purity in relationships, leadership potential and enthusiasm = Committed Student Leaders!

There are some important things that we do:
1. Encourage each other in our walk with God through our past university year.
2. Cast visions on the scarce time we have left.
3. Challenge to commit and invest our time as a committed student leader.

Then there are some not-so-important things that we do, like:

1. Rejoice!


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2. Get all dolled-up.

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3. Eat yummy desert and drink awesome coffee.

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4. Day dream...

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5. Double takes and check out each other's outfit.


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6. Have a manly pile-on.

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7. Take some proper and decent-looking group photos.

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8. Have a random shot photobooth with your bestie.

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9. Ask really random gross-out questions.

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10. And, smell each other.

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and sometimes...not everyone smells that good. >:(

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Personally speaking, I love it! I had such a great time, feeling all encouraged and ready to go. ;)

And since this is a style/life/journal blog. I hope you guys are curious about what I wore:

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what I wore: mom's 90's velvet dress, Coach handbag, Clarks Mary Janes, vintage 70's crochet cape from Andrea's vintage sales.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

A Friendly Reminder

Haa...it has been awhile since I last mention about this matter. Dearest readers, if you don't already know, the blogger of this blog is a somewhat self-righteous, proud, most of the time self-centered and a sneaky opportunist. Ever since I left Malaysia, I confess that I think a lot about myself, to some extend I doubt my intentions of doing things are to grab people's attention. As days went by, I guess I have somehow left out an important fact of life.

Yes, I live for Him! How could I ever forget, always praying that I will be a living sacrifice, to sit on the altar and willingly submit to my God. I am so glad that He reminds me once again, I had meant what I pray. And the thing is when I was asked if I am doing what I prayed...I could not give a good enough answer. I did, undeniably let the idea of living to be the good and faithful servant slip. My results must have look somewhat nasty on my result sheet of daily serving and devotion.

Yet He was gentle in his words, giving me the privilege of realising all these matters. My Father had not release his wrath and disappointment in my life. He had not shut the door of my daily provision, he had been faithful...just like he promised to be. It scares me that I have problems being humble, I have trouble acknowledging that other people are just as precious in God's eyes.

So my purpose..my purpose in life is not to be the beautiful, the popular, the genius, the rich brat, or any of those thing I tried to be. My purpose in life to to love, to love the people around me, to love my God, that everyday of my life, every action and intention, they should ever bring praise and glory to him, they should be accountable in my life of servanthood. And let this be the best form of worship to Him.

I want to obey Your ways, o Lord. My heart longs to be in your presence again. I want to live to be a better person, to bring glory to you.. For everything you have done in my life, this is the least I can do. I miss you Father, fill my heart with your spirit again.



-in thirst and desparation for restoration and to be renewed-

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

A friendly reminder

Got this from Joshua's blog, though I am not a perfect person and have a past to be ashamed of, I figured Jesus is the one thing that I am not ashamed of. So here goes.

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In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke, it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking..............

Dart Test...

A young lady named Sally, relates an experience she had in a seminary class, given by her teacher, Dr. Smith. She says that Dr. Smith was known for his elaborate object lessons.
One particular day, Sally walked into the seminary and knew they were in for a fun day. On the wall was a big target and on a nearby table were many darts. Dr. Smith told the students to draw a picture of someone that they disliked or someone who had made them angry, and he would allow them to throw darts at the person's picture.

Sally's friend drew a picture of someone who had stolen her boyfriend. Another friend drew a picture of his little brother. Sally drew a picture of a former friend, putting a great deal of detail into her drawing, even drawing pimples on the face. Sally was pleased with the overall effect she had achieved.

The class lined up and began throwing darts. Some of the students threw their darts with such force that their targets were ripping apart. Sally looked forward to her turn, and was filled with disappointment when Dr. Smith, because of time limits, asked the students to return to their seats. As Sally sat thinking about how angry she was because she didn't have a chance to throw any darts at her target.

Dr. Smith began removing the target from the wall. Underneath the target was a picture of Jesus. A hush fell over the room as each student viewed the mangled picture of Jesus; holes and jagged marks covered His face and His eyes were pierced.

Dr. Smith said only these words... 'In as much as ye have done it unto the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto Me.' Matthew 25:40. No other words were necessary; the tears filled eyes of the students focused only on the picture of Christ.

This is an easy test; you score 100 or zero. It's your choice. If you aren't ashamed to do this, please follow the directions. Jesus said, 'If you are ashamed of me, I will be ashamed of you, before My Father.'

Not ashamed ... pass this on.
Ashamed ... delete it.

Isn't it funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell.

Isn't it funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says.

Isn't it funny how everyone wants to go to heaven provided they do not have to believe, think, say, or do anything the Bible says.

Or is it scary?Isn't it funny how someone can say 'I believe in God' but still follow Satan (who, by the way, also 'believes' in God ).

Isn't it funny how you can send a thousand jokes through e-mail and! they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.

Isn't it funny how the lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but the public discussion of Jesus is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Isn't it funny how someone can be so fired up for Christ on Sunday, but be an invisible Christian the rest of the week.

Isn't it funny how when you go to forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it to them.

Isn't it funny how I can be more worried about what other people think of me than what God thinks of me.

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Well, I do worry about what God thinks of me. So, lots of love to you guys,
Eva

Monday, November 3, 2008

Seek First -A love letter.

"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."
-Matthew 6:33

What a verse to live by, look at how wonderfully it was written. All things shall be added... God's way is just so simple. Seek Him first, says He. As long as we dwell in His presence, love Him, follow and obey Him. Submit to Him as a living sacrifice, all the things of our desires will be added to us. Added. ADDED. It means there is more! Added to you, as long as you seek Him first, He will grant you blessings and anointing PLUS the desires of you heart!

How wonderfully written. And why not? Why shouldn't we seek Him? There's no reasons valid for that! He is the Saviour, MY PERSONAL Saviour. It means if it is ONLY ME who needs salvation, He would come for me the same way too. Just as glorious, making just as big the sacrifice. You saved my life, took away my sins and shame and all the pain. You have overcome all these mess that I should be in. You have seen me through all my days. Everyday. How could I not love You and adore You. There is no words to compare to what has been done and You love for me. I love and love and love You. And it is the least I can do, to live my life for You.



-Eva, life, You gave me Life.-

Friday, October 17, 2008

Lifesong

When he sings "Let my lifesong sings to You." I thought about my lifesong. Under such circumstances...

It would be a war-cry.
It would be a heartiful yell of a soldier before war.
It would bring tear and strength in the same time.
It would be like tearing apart and rebuilding at once.
It would be a yelp with such unknown painful joy.
It would be like a desparation.
It would call upon help.
It would summon thunders and rain.
It would shower the dried soil with fresh stream water.
It would flow into the hearts of others.
It would awake the spirit of a church.
It would release warriors and angelic hosts.
It would be a prayer without words.
It would be a child's cry for the Father.
It would be a lover's call to the Other.
It would be an embrace forever remembered.
It would bring me and You closer.
It is something that I want to do.

Let my lifesong sings to You.



With love,
Eva

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

I have decided to write about God

I have decided to write about God. Because there is nothing in the world worth writing anymore. People who disappoints and things that doesn't work out the way they should. Finally coming back into realising that only God surpasses all understanding. That He is ever there, ever present. And He is the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Not one less or not one less important than another. I believe everything that You say. Everything in the Bible. I place my trust in God alone. For people fail, I fail but God will never fail.

I have decided to write about God. Because I am weak, helpless and lost. No one can lead me through this twirl but God. It is amazing to realise once again that life is not in control, not in my control, that plan changes, dreams evolves, fear creeps in, people leave, situations break down. And we human can only do so much. I place my trust in God alone. For He gives me peace.

I have decided to write about God. Even though no one sees or hear. Because His presence is very much real. That nothing can snatch those memories away from me. That touch, the tears, the burning fire, and our intimate encounter. The laughters and joy that He brought into my life. I would have never know, feel, see or hear so wonderful things if He had not came into my life. Ignorance is not bliss. Knowing Jesus is bliss.

I have decided to write about God. Because even if He decided to stop His blessing, He has blessed me more than I deserve. If ever He calls, I will answer to it, because I cannot say no to the one who saved my life, my lover, brother, father, master and friend. That my life is His, I would sing, dance, shout for joy, talk, walk and live for Him alone. And He said, nothing can snatch you out of my hands.

I have decided to write about God, follow Him, love Him, trust Him all the days of my life.




-Eva-

Monday, October 6, 2008

Days of rain and tears.

So I was sad. Because revival is coming. And revival is like war, with waves of bombardment, strategies, sacrifices, spies and hidden enemies, criticsm, unknown emotional outrages, physical, emotional and spiritual attacks. Just like those hawks in the war would do whatever they have to to get the things that they want. Things are happening around here. And when they do, we get caught by surprise.

Of course we were like those rookie soldiers when it started, crying for blood and yelling for land, we're gonna crush those like maggots, they have no idea who they're up against. I was pointing fingers and laughing at those who are to oppose us. It was great, tasting the first fruit of victory, those mud, sand, rain and the split blood of the enemies on our beaten bodies. There's no denying that we had some bad wounds from that, but nothing major.

Then like those nasty parts in war movies, it hit me. Storms and thunders, they came like waves of bombardment in Vietnam, nasty, real nasty. And the terrible part about it is that it is nothing too physical. It's like they're trying to play some sneaky mind games with us. Who's the bad guy, when's the next attack, some real bad insults, some real bad temptations, a few slaps in the face, some more naming and shaming, trying to break the troops, you know, nothing that they're never tried before. Old tricks worked just fine for them.

The grief was bad. I didn't even know why I'm crying. Bad sobs, like those people who choke when they cry. Tears just couldn't stop. Images flashes in your eyes. Sometimes good ones, some times it's just plain raw fear. Good ones when I thought of the victorious war, the glory that went to the country, when we can call up the rain and the sunshine, when He brought us through, He keep reminding me how great He has been to me. How much has been invested into my life that now we can be warriors, so proud and standing upright with good ammu and guns and bombs. When He put those stripes on our sleeves and the solluting with some awesome army coolness. The bad when the fear creeps in. Those lil' things out there are still trying to hit us. We have to be so cautious and keep our sore eyes open wide. We don't know who's the next one on their list. Who is the next one they're gonna use against us. Who are they trying to send away. Which one is the next to be forced away and be lost.

Then it came the big one. I might be the next one. I don't even know what make me think that way. It's not like anything you can see or hear or anything physical. It's plain raw fear. And the grief. The sore heart and beaten spirit suddenly become so heavy like we've been in war for years but it's just not ending. Those heavy load are the same but it seems like it's getting heavier. I would just cry, not knowing what I'm crying for. It's worse than normal sadness. That's why they call it depression. Grief, nothing more. You don't know what cause it. It's just tears.

It's like the rain, dark skies grey. We don't know where it comes from, or when will it end, sometimes it goes on for so long we even forgot when did it start. And we get so numb that we don't know anything about it but it just sad to see it rain. And I was just about to be drowned by the grief and the rain.




Then I see the rainbow, and I'm ready for war again.


-Eva-

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Be strong

It was a typical expected good day. We were going into a big factory for some big business. This time, my friends were coming with me, my brother and my twin. It was like I say an expected good day. What could be better than 3 Christians working hand in hand, praising and encouraging each other every minute of the day?

It went uphill, good business, happy fellowship, lots of good Christian songs, more testimonies and people showing open doors to the gospel. Then it got better, great prayer time spent with God, getting a real fully paid salary and a nice dinner for the 2 darlings. Then it's caregroup time at night. One great ending that we share with our fellow members and encourage their growth. Then it was head home and rest for the next big day.

And the Devil has something instored. There's no way he could miss a big fall. Plans and schemes, so finely drafted, almost seamless. The moment the car was stagnent, the door locked, the handphone showed 7 miscalls by "Mom". This could be bad, but considering how great a day it was, no big stuff was expected. Non-heavy duty-hardcore weapon was estimated. Of course, the Devil saw that coming.

The news was not even anything directly affecting me, or my family, one 16 year old teen girl was killed in a gone-bad kidnap case. Mom was nervous so she made the call to check. I was sure those seven phone calls was made when I was driving home from church to Pam's and Pam's to home. It could hardly be 20 minutes. But dad was the one who was dead mad. It gave me a hard time that it has to be this to welcome me home.

But mom was not so happy either, the same thing that has prompted her to my persecution, it was doing it again. She did not know how to describe it, all she could say is abnormal and obsessed. She knew not how to explain it, she only looked disturbed. I am confident, whatever was disturbing her, it was not from God. Even as a request, her tone and her presentation of her request was not at all friendly, but very much hurting. As if she would rather not look at me, as if putting me at fault.

A friend told me, the company that my parents are working for, it was likely to face a close down. I felt weak. All these that I am having now, might be gone. Every single one. I am only certain that God will not be.

I realize no matter how great a day can turn out to be, this is still one of the best days in my life, because I lived it knowing God is with me, knowing the word and not the world. Seeking Him and none other than Him. But the Devil will always find a way. digging up things that will break your spirit.

One thing I find today, is that when God awakes my spirit, things become obvious. The guy down there become furious. They have a battle in ways that we cannot see, just like how Job landed in a battlefield, I walked into a battlefield, I might not see the full picture of the battle but I want to arm myself the best I can. Because I know it's either the Devil or God. I have to make a choice.

I admit that I am weak and I am not able, that I cannot do anything to change the things happening around me. But it is by God, and everytime I pray, it moves the hand of God, my prayer do the things my hands cannot do. He moves in a way I cannot see. He will make a way for me, He will make a way.




with faith,
Eva

Sunday, September 14, 2008

My life for You

I am so glad that you found me, that my life is not lost, not in the world, not wandering. I don't really know what to say now, because what is in my mind is only to live my life for you. I know how people see us as impossible people, some thinks we are hypocrites, like those pharisees. But I don't want to judge people. Please help me to not judge people, because I don't have the right to do so. Help me to be humble and take away my "Holier than thou" attitude.

My life is for you, every moment, every breathe and every word. So please help me to do it right, just as you had. I trust that you have picked us to be different, I don't care if this difference is gonna drive the world to hate me. I would rather starve on the roadside and be a beggar than to live in the world that does not please you. Jabez prayed it, and I want to say the same thing too, I want blessings, please enlarge my territory, put your hands upon me and keep me away from the evil ones that they may not grieve me. And I would wrestle with you if I have to, even if it means giving up my physical things, to be lame after the battle like Jacob, I cannot live without you. I won't let you go, so please please keep me with you. The world is too much for me to bear it alone.

Only you, only you had done it and know the way, you are the way, your are the truth, and the life, you are my life. I am sorry that I have grieved you so many times. I am so sorry that I would even dare to feel far away from you when tempted. The truth is you are never far away, even before I pray, you know the desires of my heart. You see and hear and know me better than I know myself. As I grieved for my past, I know you grieve more. When I cry to you, I know you cried more. When I sacrifice to you, you sacrificed more. I would never ever find a man like you.

Help me to do so, as I pray I say I am not ready for any man, until I am ready for you. Because you are my man. I know you personally, and you understand me completely. I want to be with you, and until you would put him in my life, my left ring finger is for your ring. Keep me with you.

Keep me with you. I trust and I trust you.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Isn't it true?

Isn't it true, that we came into this world alone and we are to walk alone and to finish it alone? After all, from whatever I've been through in these 19 long years, I have been alone anyway. No matter how many people would say "I've got your back." None of them have me all the time. No matter how sincere people are when they promise they would do their best to sustain a relationship, it never lasts. People still come and go. They still get new best buddies and treat you like any other normal acquaintances in the end.

Amazing isn't it, when we fall, we have to stand up by ourselves. No doubt there might be some good Samaritans who decide to give you a hand, the main strength that heave us up is still our own. No matter how many friends you have around you, it is still you who define your existence. Even though there must be thousands of great scientist running around, no one could ever understand your mind, thoughts and perspective so completely. However lost we might feel, the people around us are more confused about ourselves. Choices are made by the self, maybe encouraged by the others, but there is no one else to blame when mistakes happen, or when regret comes into view. Isn't it so? That we are alone anyway.

What happens when faith collides with your better sense of judgement? Is this a chance of breaking free or another temptation that is set up to trap the lost? Who would speak forth and take over the wheels and turn it around? Are we not alone?! Are we not alone! Are we not meant to be alone?!

Speak to me in the light of the dawn, mercy comes with the morning. I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me!



-soldier between two wars-

Monday, July 21, 2008

I will walk on water.


Listen to the song playing with this blog. I... will walk on water, and you will catch me if I fall. Haven't I be just as lost? How long have I been in the storm, overwhelmed by the ocean and waves crashing over my head? He sings, if I could just see you, everything will be alright. I am lost, confused and very much overwhelmed. Silenced by the noise around me. He hath not bring me out to drown but still I feel like I am ten feet under and upside down. When barely surviving becomes a purpose, I know things might not go right.

What a peculiar line that follows. I will walk on water, and you will catch me if I fall. I wonder if I would walk on water, have I have the faith of Peter to walk on the lake heading to Jesus? And if I do, will I fall? How could this be? That I am so unsure about myself, he sings "You will catch me if I fall..." how could this be? I am sure You will. The only thing I am so sure. You have did that a thousand times. No matter how deep how messy, you will catch me if I fall.

You have been with me every step of my life. Though I may not know of your presence. Side by side you have walked me through. If I could just see you, everything will be alright. I will get lost in your eyes and know everything will be alright. A love so different from others, so much plainer yet deep. If I could just see you... this darkness will turn to light.

I will walk on water, you will catch me if I fall. We will walk on together.



-water walker-

Friday, July 4, 2008

Regrets

Thanks for all your comments, all my dearest readers. It's wonderful to know that people actually click into my life, part of my hidden life, one that most of my family and closest friends don't click into. Regrets, i read it from the last comment. Anonymous said he/she has some regrets. I have too.

Just about a couple of hours ago, I bought this green long sleeves knitted top off the internet, it's my first internet purchase, and man I am so glad. A nice nice nice top. It went out of stock once and almost killed me. Right after I made my payment I saw the red one, same top, and it's oh-SO-NICE too. Then I start thinking would I look better in green or red and I just couldn't push myself to make the choice. Red is gonna look so fresh and young and all those. Then again, if the shirt is not of good quality red will make it look cheap and make me look fat. The things just keep popping in my head like soft-lived soap bubbles.

I still insist it is not a regret, I convinced myself I made a right choice simply because I paid for it and there's nothing I can do to change it. It's not a one timer in my life to have moments like this, for instance, I bought this nice ring from the flea market and saw another nicer one when I turned a corner, I ordered some ordinary drink and my fren sat down after me and ordered a really chic and tasty one. I'm a typical undecisive person and it drives me crazy, this junction to turn or the next, this safe looking black top or that hot risky sleeveless. The truth is, I have no idea what I want! Dad asked me if I want those Maybellin New York Eye Shadow and I said NO! What am I? He's my dad and I'm too shy to say yes?!

Regrets can flood and consume a person if only you allow it. That the power of the freedom of choice. Yes I did loads of stupid stuff today, if I am to count them one by one I think I would go nuts by the next hour, I bet there must be tonnes of people doing the same thing, beating himself up for missing the chance of asking his dreamgirl out or sulking because she missed the last sales in the mall. Man. Regrets, no matter small or big they just seem to be capable of swallowing us whole. I hate the fact that my grandma died without knowing Christ and how I missed out so many good meetings and services in church when other people are there to tap into the blessings.

All I know is what has been done is done. When we are to give an account of our actions, the stupid senseless stuffs we did have to be explained, no matter how much I regretted it. All I can do now is just minimize the stupid things in my list. I have to move on, the world won't stop and wait because Eva is regretting choosing green over red. God didn't strike down sinners in our time, He has the grace to let them live and turn back to Christ. He would have flood the earth, kill the first born and rain burning sulfur balls if we were in the older days. He has the grace for all my stupid actions as long as I ask for His mercy and repent. He is doing the same for everyone. Regretting something is as if you are telling God my standards are higher than Yours, even though you forgive me, my standards don't allow me to forgive myself.

NO! It doesn't work that way, when God say let go, we let go. The voice that tells you to hang on to the past is false. Let go, Jesus said "It is done." So it is. Let go. You are free to live your tomorrows.



-Refuge of war-

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

The truth about living.

I sat in the hospital ward, looking at the things around me, the smell of medicines and chemicals makes my stomach surged in disagreement with its surrounding. I stole a feel looks at him and tried to think of something to say, a topic to converse. He looked grumpy, now more then seventy years old, all he intended was a check-up and they detained him in this foul place for two long days. The bed was too small and too high, old and soft that he said he slump into it. His bloated tummy and weak legs didn't help in this case.

He looked at the old ladies in the opposite ward, they are older than him, so old that they sat in wheel chairs and have problems raising spoons to their mouth. Then he said to me, "It's no good for a man to live that long you know, there are just more troubles," I did not know what to say, mum just told me that the doctor said he have a couple of dark spots in his liver yesterday but forbid me to tell him because he might not be able to accept it in these circumstances. "Look that those old ladies their, they can barely walk, I don't think I wanna suffer like that." I just told him in my mother tongue, "Grandpa, don't think so much, you're just here for a check-up. We just want some assurance that you are fine. That's all. I'm sure you are."

He was discharged the next day, but all of us can see that he detests all the things in the hospital, maybe even himself. Seeing him hating the fact that he is old and sick. I didn't even notice that he had one part of his middle finger cut away, Yvonne said it was an accident when he was a carpenter long time ago. His right foot was swollen the last time I saw him at home. He is much slower now, his temper better than when he was young but not at all good. I didn't get to send him home, mum sent me to the office to sort out some paper works after we had lunch the day he was discharged.

That's my grandfather. He attempted to take his own life yesterday, not wanting to live another moment suffering. He is not the young hot-blooded man anymore, mum said he's afraid of suffering. He took all the medicine that the doctor prescribe for two weeks in one night. They sent him to the hospital after that. He is alright, the doctor said that those medicine are mainly painkillers. They made him drowsy, he could not even walk on the way home.

He does not know the truth. What's the truth about living anyway? We live, the moment when we're alive we cries our heart out, we must have known we're in for some pretty bad falls, sickness, pain, heartache, heartbreaks, some failure, a lot of fear and some abandons by the people we love. Those who realize it, we live, those who did not died, those are the babies who doesn't cry at the moment of birth. We all have our fair share of those that we don't want. Some face it with a brave spirit, some simply ignore them, some go in fear and struggle, others, in peace.

Who are we to decide in what way we are gonna face it. After all, we are just human. Weak and mild, fearful and cowardly, impulsive and agressive, helpless and lost. Who are we to decide what courage we can muster, what faith we can live on. I asked for peace, God gave me love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. I am weak but I have a shelter like no other. Everyday I would look out my window, see the world outside of me. They who don't have God, live in fear, confusion, troubled by their past, troubled by their lack of self control, regret in their lack of kindness to others only when they need kindness, hunger for gentleness in a situation of hostility. What they look for, they could not find.

My God, is big, so good, and mighty. But in these moments I can just sob to Him. "God, have mercy on them! Bring them life, don't You see that they are suffering without You. Everyday of their life, every step of their way, they take it in confusion. Father, have mercy on them." He said, "They have to ask. For Me."



-a sobbing servant-

Friday, June 20, 2008

找个人谈恋爱吧!Go go, lovers!

开心!是非常开心。我的暑假好漫长喔~ 还没开始我已经在担心会太无聊,所以索性找了份工作,当当妈妈的得力助手。哈哈~ 不错的头衔,百万保险代理员的助手。多亏老板娘的厚待,我的工资是个漂亮的一千元,既是差不多新台币一万元。对于一个还未上大学,游手好闲的我,真的还一点也不差。

车子是有啦,一辆惹火的 AUDI A4;青春是有啦,最后的 Teenage。一个人走在大街上,信心是一点也不比人家少。好漫长的假期呀~!找个人恋爱吧!找个爱我的,讨我开心的,可爱的人, 恋爱吧!他会让我靠着他的肩膀看电影,让我跟他抢着吃泡面,打篮球时欺负我,开车时有点酷酷的,跟我在一起时却是可爱的。哇,好漂亮的画面啊~

好男人死光光啦~ 哈哈~ 在想象之外的世界哪儿找啊~ 不纳闷,我却不纳闷。因为我找到了我的他。他无所不在,好浪漫,好浪漫,我唱歌时,他会坐在我面前,用那明亮的眼,仿佛我的歌声是最美好的。若我发现他不见了,我会担心,他却会从我的背后拥抱我,让他的体温让我放心休息。无论我去那里,他都跟我在一起。同时,我也喜欢跟着他,不能失去他,我的每一分,每一秒。我不开心时,会把头靠在他的胸前,喃喃的对他倾述,让他的手放在我的肩,松松的拥抱,脚步在那原地上轻轻题踏着,好像在跳舞。

他的心又是充满慈爱的,又是感伤的。爱,是爱我的;伤,是背我的。我爱他,是多么多么疯狂的。我的每一天,每一次呼吸,都为他颤抖着。他爱我,是多么多么得让人心痛。他的每一天,每一次呼吸都是咬牙切齿的,每一个身上的伤,每一个心上的痛,都是为我,以让我可以多享受那一点点的喜乐。他是我的耶稣,我爱,深爱的耶稣。我爱你,是好爱好爱你。


-被你溺爱的她-

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Last Night

This is the last night I will spend gouging down questions and details to get ready for my last paper. A peculiar paper in my context, having no cases to cite, no quotations to get all flourish with and no long writing to do. What a day I had, I must be tired, and not yet so, there is a long road ahead. My robust spirit would not allow me to be tired, I have a long way to go.

What way, then... I have no idea. When will I be leaving, for where and when will I be back? I have never been so unknowing in my life yet I know I am not lost. He is my light, I just have to walk towards Him all the time. When the light gets dimmer, I know I haven't got it right, so I'll turn back to the direction where my light shines. The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

Trust me when I say I am never so unknowing in my life, I am finishing up an exam which I know not the results, they can either bring me further or pull me down; I am waiting for a scholarship which will provide me a chance, I do not know what will be the outcome; I am heading to somewhere, I do not know where and how can I get there; my sister is quiting her job, she loves it but she quits; my brother is far away, half a globe away, with less words than ever spoke before. Yet I am sure, this is not a free fall.

The Lord is my shepherd, what more can I ask? Jehovah Jireh, He gave me everything in my life. Each day, my first breath reminds me that He had preserved my life, each step, when my foot touch the ground, it reminds me that He had set my foot there. What more can I ask. All sin washed away, all dirt, all past scrape anew. I am clean, I am free, I am new, for You made me so.

You are my joy, You are my tears. You fill my heart with song when You say that You are near. How could this be? For all You've done for me, is that not enough? The abundance overwhelms my simple heart, yet You promise more good to come. You are my tears, when you said to me, Your love is enough, more intimate than lovers, more loving than fathers, who are You? And who am I to be so loved? But as I struggled in tear and dirt, Your spirit came, and wash them all away, You hold me tight in Your arms and assures me it's okay, they have all gone away. I sobbed in Your embrace, who am I to be so loved, my wounds on You and Your joy on I.

I will love You forever and serve You all my life. Cancel all my doubts, O God, and set my heart upon thine. I love You forever, You are my joy, my guidance, my vine.



-va-

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Thus the sun shines~

It was no good weather before this, my hair couldn't fall in the right place; the air in the room always gloomy and filled with sleepiness; I can hardly find a good show on the tv. Even my spiritual life was somewhat dull, I prayed for fresh fire. The divine led me to read the book of Job, a book which seemed so 'at the bottom', when all are lost. I would not have made it through without the slightest reminder from my Abbah Father.



I've always believed in miracles, sometimes half-heartedly, but I do believe. Of course, Daddy has been generous, like He always did. Thus the sun shines. He must have sent angels, smoothen my path, warmth my night and held my hand. We might have even dance together. He made the sunshine, bringing in mildest joy, in bits and pieces. Joy of family, friends, the word, the light, some achievement which he made possible, all these were not my work, but His, and He made them mine.


There's the joy of daddy waking me up in the morning, joy of deciding to really study in the library, joy of helping a stranger with the smallest effort, joy of being a good friend and sister and the joy of sharing this joy. God has made it possible.

And one thing that had been such grace, such change that I cannot describe. We met again, had small talk again, longer than usual. He must have been in a good mood. The conversation was so fluffy I can hardly imagine the real him saying it. We would both die from blushing if he did. So I prayed, that God would be the guidance in our relationship, be it friendship or whatever it may be. May God be the center of our focus, not one another. That's how it would last, in the purest love. Like those when the earth first began.


He spoke, thus the sun shines;

He tapped me on the shoulders, thus the sun shines;

He woke me up with His words, thus the sun shines;

He brought him into my life, thus the sun shines;

He clears my doubts, thus the sun shines;

He is my Father. Thus, the sunshine.

He smiled, he smiles, I smile; we love. Thus, the sunshines.




-va-

Friday, April 25, 2008

The Great Rescue

The Great Rescue


What does Jesus' death have to do with working through past sexual sin? How can a gruesome crucifixion that happened two thousand years ago help when your past comes knocking today?


The answer is that the Cross is God's plan for freeing you from the guilt and punishment of your past sin. At the Cross we see both the depths of our depravity and the heights of God's amazing love for us. We witness both the terrifying intensity of God's just wrath for sin and His unspeakable mercy and love for sinners.


Why the Cross?

Because sinners have no other hope.

Why the Cross?

Because it is unassailable proof that we can be forgiven. That you already know or understand what happened there. Come to the Cross as if for the first time. In the book When God Weeps, Steven Estes and Joni Eareckson Tada give the following account of Christ's death. As you read, refuse to let the scene be familiar. Let its reality shock you nd break your heart.
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The face that Moses had begged to see - was forbiden to see - was slapped bloody (Exodus 33: 19-20). The thorns that God had sent to curse the earth's rebellion now twisted around his own brow....

"On your back with you!" One raises a mallet to sink in the spike. But the soldier's heart must continue pumping as he readies the prisoner's wrist. Someone must sustain the soldier's life minute by minute, for no man has this power on his own. Who supplies breath to his lungs? Who gives energy to his cells? Who holds his molecules together? Only by the Son do "all things hold together" (Colossians 1: 17). The victim wills that the soldier live on - he grants the warriors continued existence. The man swings.


As the man swings, the Son recalls how he and the Father first designed the medial nerve of the human forearm - the sensations it would be capable of. The design proves flawless - the nerves perform exquisitely. "Up you go!" They lift the cross. God is on display in his underwear and can scarcely breathe.

But these pains are a mere warm-up to his other and growing dread. He begins to feel a foreign sensation. Somewhere during this day an unearthly foul odor began to waft, not around his nose, but his heart. He feels dirty. Human wickedness starts to crawl upon his spotless being - the living excrement from our souls. The apple of his Father's eye turns brown with rot.

His Father! He must face his Father like this!

From heaven the Father now rouses himself like a lion disturbed, shakes his mane, and roars against the shriveling remnant of a man hanging on a cross. Never has the Son seen the Father look at him so, never felt even the least of his hot breath. But the roar shakes the unseen world and darkens the visible sky. The Son does not recognize these eyes.

"Son of Man! Why have you behaved so? You have cheated, lusted, stolen, gossiped- murdered, envied, hated, lied. You have cursed, robbed, overspent, overeaten- fornicated, disobeyed, embezzled, and blasphemed. Oh, the duties you have shirked, the children you have abandoned! Who has ever so ignored the poor, so played the coward, so belittled my name? Have you ever held your razor tongue? What a self-righteous, pitiful drunk- you, who molest young boys, peddle killer drugs, travel in cliques, and mock your parents. Who gave you the boldness to rig elections, forment revolutions, torture animals, and worship demons? Does the list never end! Splitting families, raping virgins, acting smugly, playing the pimp- buying politicians, practicing exhortation, filming pornography, accepting bribes. You have burned down buildings, perfected terrorist tactics, founded false religion, traded in slaves- relishing each morsel and bragging about it all. I hate, loathe these things in you! Disgust for everything about you consumes me! Can you not feel my wrath?"

Of course the Son is innocent. He is blamelessness itself. The Father knows this. But the divine pair have an agreement, and the unthinkable must now take place. Jesus will be treated as if personally responsible for every sin ever committed.

The Father watches as his heart's treasure, the mirror image of himself, sinks drowning into raw, liquid sin. Jehovah's stored rage against humankind from every century explodes in a single direction.

"Father! Father! Why have you forsaken me?!"


But heaven stops its ears. The Son stares up at the One who cannot, who will not, reach down or reply.


The Trinity had planned it. The Son endured it. The Spirit enabled him. The Father rejected the Son whom he loved. Jesus, the God-man from Nazareth, perished. The Father accepted this sacrifice for sin and was satisfied. The Rescue was accomplished.

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Don't move away too quickly from this scene. Keep gazing.

The Rescue accomplished here was for you. John Stott writes, "Before we can begin to see the cross as something done for us (leading us to faith and worship), we have too see it as something done by us (leading us to repentence)....As we face the cross, then, we can say to ourselves both "I did it; my sins sent Him there," and 'He did it; His love took Him there.' "
Did you see your own offenses on the list of sins that neccessitated the Cross? If not, name them yourself. Name your darkest sin. Now reflect on the fact that Christ bore the punishment for that sin. He took the punishment you deserved. Do you feel His passionate and specific love for you? He died for you. He was condemned and cursed so that you could go free - He was forsaken by God so that you would never be forsaken (Hebrews 13: 5).



That's what Jesus' death on the cross has to do with our past sexual sin right now.







Taken from BOY MEETS GIRL by Joshua Harris
published by Multnomah Publishers, Inc.
copyrighted 2000, 2005 by Joshua Harris.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

a girl should just be a girl

I just suddenly think that sometimes they should just let a girl be a girl. A simpleton. In the sense that no big troubles, just smooth sailing all the way. No, it is not reasonable for others to take on the burden just so the girl can be all cheerful and happy-go-lucky. But everyone should try to keep the innocent pure, the first love and passion clean.

No pretence please. in the world today, people would wanna be like Avril Lavigne, or Beyonce, maybe some wants the lime light of Britney. But no, not those heavily drawn eye liner, not the sexy outfit and outrageous actions can overthrow the inner person. But what's the point. Sometimes we just want to fit in. Blend in and be invisible. I don't get why we can be so insecure sometimes and so overwhelm by our own self esteem other times.

I blame them on the hormons. Weird stuff, hormons...they can just get your head up in the air for a mo' and the next second you will be hitting hard on the tar road. Hmm...I saw my course mate in one of those internet network social website. In her pictures she stares at the camera. And the name she chose to put on was a rather obvious attempt to project the attitude or character of so called emo, or rebel, perhaps a certain amount of darkness. The way she talks and her tone had an obvious shift from her previous way of conduct.

It hurts to see that people in the world are trying to be more of the world. And it hurts even more to see that sometimes, I myself am trying to be so too. I should know better, know that I am different. We are in the world but not of the world. All things shall come to past and only the word of God will remains. All things shall come to past, insecurities, depression, insult, verbal abuse, naming and shaming, death and life, love and all that that comes with it. I shall come to past, all my sins and all my dreams. He had signed his name over mine. We shall embrace and cry, for all He had done. What more can I ask?

So for now, I ask for peace. Claiming His promises that I shall find peace in Him. All shall come to past. Amen.




-peace. ty -

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Blood in, Blood out. ZzzZZzZZz*

Blood donation is a tiring activity, makes me sleepy. If I don't love my blog readers enough, I won't even blog about it. I should be in bed now..*yawn*. *smacks herself* UGH! okay...chill, I'm awake..

I just donated my blog for the very first time in my life. Penang Island Hospital, 19 March 2007, about 4.30p.m. took about 6-7 minutes 'cause my blood happens to be F1 blood, 6 minutes and they got a bag of 400ml outta me. Thank God I didn't get into any accident that would make me bleed a lot, 'cause I'll be kering kontang(all dried up) in no time, plus the weather in Malaysia. Ugh...wow. Thank God. My blood's pack no. is 405/08 and amount of hemoglobin (red blood cells) in gram per dl is 13.8. Too much details eh....Heh.

It turns out I'm an O positive, which means, my blood will be very much useful. Well, I did the whole donating thing just because there's this new believer that used up a few packs of blood during a major operation in the hospital, it would lighten the family burden if we can replace the bags of blood used. Hey, he's a brother now! Heaven rejoices, that's the least I could do to help. We all hope that he'll be well soon. He seems like a nice guy, it would be great if he can come to our church and mess around with us like Adam did.


Oh by the way, back to the blood donation thingy. I kinda blog on this so that if anyone of you want to donate blood, it helps to know some details, and please let me know if you plan to do it soon, it would be great help if you can help replace some of the packs, they still have about 9 more bags to replace, considering mine is already replacing one. It's not painful, I assure you. And I would really appreciate it if you would try to help. I reckon a bag of blood used in a private hospital would cost a lot. So please, do let me know so I can send you the name of the patient 'cause I don't think it is appropriate to name him in public.

Well, it started with a simple test, the man in white jacket (I'm not sure if he's a doctor) asked me if I want a full blood test or take the fast track. The full test will take about 1 and 1/2 hours, and they will test your HIV, Hep B and all those. The fast one, they'll skip that, and I just took my blood test for insurance purposes a few months back so I took the fast track. Then they took one tube of my blood for testing, and I was called on after about 30 minutes. Pam, Sue Ann, Sue Lin and Peter was with me then. They all wanted to see the process. We went into the room, I lied down on a bed in the corner and the nurse took an empty pack with needle and tube and all, put the needle through my right arm and that was it.


That the little wound that is on my right arm. See? It's just that tiny.

My right arm, with the band aid on.

Blood stain of courage on the band aid. =P

Look at that! I'm so proud of myself!


They gave me something to make the part which they poke the needle numb so yea, no pain at all, no matter how big Peter said the needle is. He was just trying to scare us all. The nurse said my veins are quite thin, and slapped couples of times so that my veins can be seen. And there's this one thing that you hold on to, you have to keep squeezing it so that the pressure will force the blood out. It's like a stress ball thingy, right on time during my exam preparation period. I've personally experienced it and I can tell you that the painful part is only when the needle is poking through, once it's in, then you won't feel anything, I think piercing my ears hurt more, and the time when I was in national service, one of those metal fence railing went through my back when we were crawling through during our practical jungle tracking mission, that was way painful but I didn't notice it until a day after that, we went back to the training camp. Seriously, I even went for a mock rescue mission and night orientation with the wound on my back without noticing it.

Did I mention that the tube which my blood flowed in is warm? It is you know, so cool, it felt warm against my skin. So that was about it, the nurse even sarcasticly told us that "Those two guys that were here when you came in, took a hell lot longer." LOLz. see? That's why I named my blood flow F1 blood. Hahhahaaa...She took of the needle when I was done and covered the tiny wound with a band aid and I had to stay on bed for another 15 minutes to make sure the dizziness won't make me faint or anything. They gave me a good tea, a cuppa warm Milo drink and 2 packs of real yummy Japanese biscuits, I love the one that they made from beans. *yum* And they are organic! Such healthy yummy things. Hee....

We went to the room to visit our new friend and chatted till it was time for him to have dinner and so we left. I was even fine enough to drive. Just a short drive though, had to fetch daddy who was just 7 minutes drive away. He drove on the way back.

Okay, please refer to the 1st sentence of this post. I reli needa go get some shut-eyes now. ^^ Bye fellas! Pleaseeeee consider donating blood to help my new friend, the family is really friendly and all. I hope you guys can help =) God bless y'all!


-400ml lighter va-

P/s: "He anoints my head with oil, my cup overflows," I seek to let them flow to others. In whatever way I could.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

cruel wishlist

I had another session with my mom. I didn't call it an arguement 'cause I stayed quiet. She asked me what do I want. Well, here's my wishlist.
1. I want a Christian family. Whatever I went through could have been the struggle of my forefathers and not mine.
2. I want an understanding Christian parents who knows what I want.
3. I want parents who can sceam with me when I'm happy and not tell me that I'm being immature.
4. I want a father that stay faithful in his marriage.
5. I want a family free from the curse of adultery. Not up to me to bear the burden so my children will stay pure.
6. I want a home free from statue that brought me nightmare.
7. I want a new cellphone which my dad buy for me. Not a cheap meal for my good results in major exams.
8. I want people to give me directions when I am lost. Not to make me more confuse.
9. I want them to stop telling me I am responsible for my life. I need guidance, not burden.
10. I want another part time job, which will help me make money so that I can get things that I want.
11. I want to be someone who doesn't need to get a part-time job because my parents refuse to help me out.
12. I want to better manage my finance.
13. I want to feel home when I come home, not a big house with conflicts.
14. I want to babble to my parents about my day, I want them to listen amusingly like they were when I was five.
15. I want parents that don't talk so matter-of-fact-ly.
16. I want to be able to tell my parents my exam dates because I know they will be there to give my all the moral support I need. Not myself making up a mental picture.
17. I want an mp3 which is not a free gift from the insurance company which my parents work for.
18. I want a hug when I am crying. Not "what esle do you want from me?"s.
19. I want dad to say "daddy will be there no matter where u want to go in the future.", not "daddy was too poor to even have the luxury of dreaming, why couldn't you understand."
20. I want parents who would be there whenever I need them to fetch me. Not forget to pick me up after tuition classes.
21. I want a mom who is smart enough to not blame me when there is no fault at all.
22. I want a mom who can take a discussion civilisedly. Not raise her voice and proclaim her misfortune.
23. I want to be not crying right now.
24. I want all these to not happen.
25. I want to turn to Jesus when I am happy. Not when I am broken and in tears. I don't mind turning to Him. But I don't want the heartbreak.

..............................................................................................................................

I call Your name, cause it's the sweetest thing I know.


-va-

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