Showing posts with label *sign language*. Show all posts
Showing posts with label *sign language*. Show all posts

Saturday, February 13, 2010

"Oh, so I'm Nancy..."



Quote:
"We've been like Sid and Nancy for months now."
"Summer, Sid stabbed Nancy, seven times with a kitchen knife, I mean we have some disagreements but I hardly think I'm Sid Vicious."
"No I'm Sid."
"Oh, so I'm Nancy..."

. . . . .

Hey I never thought that I would write this letter. But again, I probably wont sent it anyway. I don’t think I ever want anyone to know this. Maybe it’s because we have always been this way.
So here it goes.

I think I changed. And I have never liked changes. I would always look back in my past and wish I hadn’t change at all, it doesn’t matter if it is for the better or for worse. The ironic part is, I have changed things that I don’t want to change and the ones that I want to change remains the same.

For instance, I am not as cheerful and bubbly. Now I think I have this hatred and desire for vengeance boiling inside me. I am less friendly, sometimes I’d rather just be rude and offensive. I think less of good things and trust me, it’s not by choice. Somehow somewhere along the road I lost the longing to be home, the passion for that glimpse of hope and picked up this vulgarly fierce hag. I am sceptical when I should be positive, cruel when I should be nice, tired when I should be energetic. My unshaken faith happens less and less. The change is so evident that I thought someone must have poisoned me. And these are the things that changed.

My fears did not changed. They didn’t even quiver. As if the change in me occurred in a totally different territory. I am still afraid of the dark, keep all the windows and door tightly locked. I still have this warning that rings up telling me I should avoid these boys ‘cause I don’t want to wake up one day, married, and regretting the first moment I open my eyes and see the face of the person sleeping next to me. I am still doubtful of “us”. I still hold on to the belief that you should live like a teenager while you are, doing all the crazy things I did. I hope you are, because I’ll be Jack and you’ll be Eva. But I hope you aren’t because that didn’t last. The other thing that didn’t change is sometimes I still feel like parts of me belong to you, and you to me somehow. It happens once in a while.

I still miss my best friend, unsure of that if I love him. These are the things that changes and did not. I wonder if you would still take me. And if you would, what would I do.

written: 1 week before this post.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Looking Into My Window

Looking back into the years when I was this awkward little person - not that I am not one now - I cannot help but remember the days when I would look into his windows, more often than not, unlid. Once every few months, the lights would be turned on and I would know he was home; and I would wait, most impatiently but careful not to be noticed for his regular seat to be filled with his presence. I am sure his presence was not anymore electrifying to any other person in the room, but it seems to radiate towards me. Nudging me to turn my head every moment or so.

Now that feeling is gone, I have gotten rid of that box of a long dreamy crush. I have grown out of the years of awkward fantasies and idealistic dreams. I stepped away from the beautiful world I thought I had lived in just to see another beautiful place, cold, hard and but a bit less beautiful than the one that I had lived and breathed in. A place so idle yet engaging; so engaging that it is to be missed to do justice for the sake of its beauty.

Just as I stepped into my old world, that heavy humid air swam with such force that seemed to desire to burst my lungs from within. My head tipsy and my feet light. But the first thought in my mind were who is looking through to my window. Who is waiting for my light?

My foolishness and vanity. Who are you, the other me, the other foolish little person who waited so long, so hopefully for me?

Sunday, June 29, 2008

heartbeat

How long has it been since I was mesmerize by the dimmed light through the curtains? How long have I missed you and find that you are gone? I fumbled when you are not around, stumble and fall, stutter when people swam around me. You are there and I am here, nothing speaks as clearly as the distance itself. I wondered where would you be, not realizing that you live in my heart, complementing my each breath. I thought we are so far apart that I would not feel the mild scent of your presence. How would I know, that your reflection, it projects on me. All I have to do is just turn back and I will see you again.

Maybe we should just let the past be the past. The past! We can't ever go back again. So helpless, so helpless, I cannot go back in time to fall in love with you once again. Troubled, just like the white clouds are messing with my blue sky. If we are not meant for each other, to depend on together forever, to walk every path and share each steps of life, I pray for at least, the courage to miss those moments and the right to embrace you again, just to make you understand the remaining marks of my heartbeats. My heartbeats on you.

How I often wish to see you again, that I even tried to ask around about how you've been, where'd you go. How am I to know that you live in me, protecting my memories.


-whitegirl-

Friday, June 6, 2008

与博客过的一个夜

她也就像任何一个普通的女生。在夜里,穿上了一件稍旧的 T-Shirt,一件一样旧的运动裤,湿湿的头发盘坐在电脑前不如一回事的嘀嘀嗒嗒的打了一篇又一篇的部落各。手指的动作是如此熟练,仿佛失去了那份原有的悸动。谁又知道心急的她是在挣扎着把那片心情放上那无人浏览的网址。无人浏览的那空间,不是为了让人了解,只求那份心情可以找个地方,自由妄想。

他也就像任何一个普通的男生。在夜里,穿上了稍旧的夹克,一件一样旧的短裤在公寓的花园和那一班老朋友聊些有的没的。人字拖在那石地上踢踢踏踏的,走过了她那片心情。他的步伐是如此的不在意,仿佛稍微失去了旋律。谁有知道他即将离去,去那好遥远好遥远的离去。无人了解的距离,不是让人心碎,而是让人回想,思考,冲刺,再去追求那梦想。

她也不过是比别人较情绪化一点点,想得较多一点点,性格较不同一点点,文字较复杂一点点。不是一种打扰,至少她希望她不是他生活上的干扰,只是不时会想要谈谈天;在他回家时,跟他去看看电影,尴尬一下下。一份不知去路的感情,没有负担的爱情,久久一次的温情,和稍微越轨的友情。这样就够了。这样就够了。

他也不过是比别人较颓废一点点,想得较深一点点,性格较与众不同一点点,文字较少一点点。不是一个困扰,至少他只是她的一个困扰。不时会想要弹弹吉他;在她想跟他聊天时,说说一些生活上的一点点,不时偷偷暗示他好想好想她,想跟以前一样,带她回家。一份不知所措的感情,没有防范的爱情,不时不时地殷勤,和稍微特别的友情。好像还不错的呢。好像感觉不错的。

博客的她好怀念那个好久不见的他。好紧张在这周末会见到他吧。会怎么不同吗?还是跟以前一样,有着那甜甜的尴尬。


-梁毓华-

Saturday, May 31, 2008

White Love Story

White Love Story
애즈 원
커피프린스 1호점 OST

처음엔 알지 못했어
나를 보는 그대의 그 눈빛이
왜 그렇게 안타까웠는지
언제나 묻고 싶던 말
아주 조금 내 맘 알고 있는지
한번도 얘기한 적 없었지만
이젠 아는데 그대도 나처럼
하루하룰 헤매였던 걸
잠들 수 없이
너무 아파했었다는 걸
손을 잡아요다
시는 그대 놓지 않을게
사랑해요 내가 숨쉬는 날까지

그대로 멈춰버렸죠
나에겐 늘
모질게만 대하던 그대가
날 보며 웃어주던 날
이젠 아는데 그대도 나처럼
하루하루 헤매였던 걸
잠들 수 없이
너무 아파했었다는 걸
손을 잡았죠
다시는 나를 놓지 말아요
사랑해요 내가 눈감는 날까지


울지 않아요 이제 그대
내 곁에 있으니
고마워요 이렇게 모자란 내게
그대를 선물해줘서

........................................................................................................................................................
I didn't know when I first met you, why I get so flustered when you look at me. I've always wanted to ask, if you understood just a little of my feelings, even though I've never told you. How you were always a wonder to me, the way you are, far apart yet fit so well in every picture. Your words still resound in my mind whenever I hear this song.

Now I know how we are all the same, just as lost and walking about in our lives alone. Just like others, share thoughts that keep us from sleep. I tried to know you more, walked every place that you have been before, try every taste and meet the same people that you have met. With my pace, hoping to finally catch up with you one day, and share our walks later. Hold my hand, and I will never let go of you again. I love you, as long as I breathe.

Things stood still when you, who always had been so quiet and distanced, smiled a me that day. I was so surprised and glad that we are friends, connected with the briefest moments. And now I understand, how we are the same, just as lost and somewhat confused, a little afraid of the future. Hold my hand, never let go of me again, I love you, till the day I close my eyes in rest.

I will be fine, knowing that you are by my side. Thank you, for giving me, who is not worthy, the gift of your presence in my life.
-white girl-

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

welcome home~!

Did you know, I had this dream before, where I smiled when I woke up. I remember it well, I was in the National Service then. It must have been more than one year ago from now. You called to say you have arrived safely in KL then. It was just that brief. You in the car, the city scene start filling the view of the window beside you, you had the phone to your ear and said you are in KL already, probably with a smile.

I woke up smiling. It's just a pure joy that warmed me from the inside. In the mist of neatly lined-up beds and the weather somewhat colder because we are far from the city. I could imagine other girls being all clingy and teary when that someone special is leaving; but I simply cannot deny the joy to know that my someone special is after his dream and while we are far apart yet somehow so knitted in understood terms and such strong faith that we would be together again.

And here we are now, you have finished your studies and heading for somewhere further and a dream bigger. Yet I still have the same faith and same addiction to you. I'm struggling for words now to type out the utmost happiness that you have came to me and said "I'm back in Penang.". To think that you have turn to give me these words, it is just so surreal. You had always come and go without letting me know, with such a personality so careless and slow.

Even if it is the smallest action, I am just so glad that you have given me the privilege to take a small step into your life. Welcome home, I would shout to the apartment tomorrow. =P



-tree-hugger-

Monday, May 26, 2008

love song

I fell in love with love songs lately. They sing it so well as though they are telling their own story. I wonder how will our love song sound like, then I wonder how will it be possible to put all that happened in a song of mere minutes yet it seemed like each song say enough to tell the whole story.

I especially love song that come with a deep cut in the heart, no matter how sanguine I appear to be, I appreciates the melancholic part of me. Love songs became an addiction, the way they sing with so much emotion that it is painful to listen, yet at the end of the song you find yourself smiling with tears. How could we be fighting fiction all along but end up being a part of the story ourselves? Could we have been like those in the songs?

Maybe it was just me all along. I thought I was simply looking at a beautiful picture in a gallery, to have look at it so often that you became more than a habit. A distanced admiration that I cling on to so much. Till the distances dissolves in, till barely anything is left to keep the mildest relationship, but it was too late. However much it burdens my heart, no matter how much struggles were made, you became too painful to be let go of.

Waiting upon your return every time, for the light to shine through your windows. To pray for you each night, to take a detour back to every place that we share the briefest memories, to speak to you through the wind in the softest voice, and above all the faith that I keep in something so vague. I enjoyed every moment of it. Be it alone or with you. I try to remember every smile, every detail, everything that I can, fearing to lose any bit of it.

I will be sure, be brave and be wise, to love you as you should be loved, with every ounce of strength and support I can muster. To wait upon each one of your returns.



-someone else-

Monday, May 19, 2008

Dear you, miss me.

I'm just so happy, so glad that you are coming back. I've always been the one asking, "when are you coming back?" That's because I'm always nervous and don't know what to say. It seemed right to ask. This time, you replied "Very soon," And I don't know how to react. Very soon. This week? Oh...must be this weekend. And I was really happy, I sat where I always sit, and I turned back to see the place that you always occupy, right at the back, near the door. And nope.

But I was not disappointed, I smiled. Hmm...now you're making me think. A cheeky trap. But I am just so happy, whenever it is, it will be very soon. Then I saw you again, and I asked, "What's so dangerous?" And you said "You." And I smiled and asked again, "When are you coming back?" and you said, "very soon" So I waited. I shouted to your apartment from the highway on my way home, "Come home!" And I smiled, because I know you are, very soon.

It is Sunday again, maybe I'll see you in church today. I went and sat where I sat, so happy afterwards when they need my help at the back. I'd be much closer to you if you are home. But you aren't, but I smile, I must have been thinking too much about you, why esle would I care so much. I even blushed for the first time.

Whenever "very soon" maybe, I'll be waiting just right here. Dear you, miss me.



-white girl-

Thursday, May 15, 2008

slow =P

Of course we are slow, I don't blame anyone else. I just realize how slow I can be sometimes! Two whole days! That's how long it took for me to go whoopie over his return. It's almost as long as DHL takes to send my letter to New York! For two days I had been waking up late in the morning, had simple meals and watch too much TV. The happy hormons didn't even got pumped into my brains! Am I slow or what?!


Then it kicked in about just 5 minutes ago. I have no idea what hit me. It's just. "Whoopie~" He's coming home! And there was a leap in my tummy, we're going for movies, and I'll be seeing him on Sundays, and I hope he can make it for Fu's party. And he said I look lovely~ Wow... Ha..woa...


Then just as soon as it came it went away for a while, then it came back. I just can't help smiling. No matter how long we have to go, 2 years, or 4 years, I will always be happy to when I know he's coming home. Even if in the future, when I'm not around, I'll still pray for his mercy journey, home to see his family. And hopefully that would be the time when I can come home too.


Whatever it may be, he'll be a great joy to me. Even if we may only meet once a year, or we'll both be busy for the rest of the year. A simple conversation across the globe would bring me smiles and sunshine. Maybe I'll still be running this blog, crossing its five years birthday, still writing about all the small small things that I could not forget. I'll still go whoopie in whatever country I maybe studying then, in my own small room, in front of the laptop. Whoopie, he's going home, and I'll be home a few days before him or after him, anyhow, I'll be seeing him again.


I am just happy to hear from you again, and to see you again, do you know that? No matter it is five years or ten years away, I'm just glad that you will be back.








welcome home,
-white girl-

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Thus the sun shines~

It was no good weather before this, my hair couldn't fall in the right place; the air in the room always gloomy and filled with sleepiness; I can hardly find a good show on the tv. Even my spiritual life was somewhat dull, I prayed for fresh fire. The divine led me to read the book of Job, a book which seemed so 'at the bottom', when all are lost. I would not have made it through without the slightest reminder from my Abbah Father.



I've always believed in miracles, sometimes half-heartedly, but I do believe. Of course, Daddy has been generous, like He always did. Thus the sun shines. He must have sent angels, smoothen my path, warmth my night and held my hand. We might have even dance together. He made the sunshine, bringing in mildest joy, in bits and pieces. Joy of family, friends, the word, the light, some achievement which he made possible, all these were not my work, but His, and He made them mine.


There's the joy of daddy waking me up in the morning, joy of deciding to really study in the library, joy of helping a stranger with the smallest effort, joy of being a good friend and sister and the joy of sharing this joy. God has made it possible.

And one thing that had been such grace, such change that I cannot describe. We met again, had small talk again, longer than usual. He must have been in a good mood. The conversation was so fluffy I can hardly imagine the real him saying it. We would both die from blushing if he did. So I prayed, that God would be the guidance in our relationship, be it friendship or whatever it may be. May God be the center of our focus, not one another. That's how it would last, in the purest love. Like those when the earth first began.


He spoke, thus the sun shines;

He tapped me on the shoulders, thus the sun shines;

He woke me up with His words, thus the sun shines;

He brought him into my life, thus the sun shines;

He clears my doubts, thus the sun shines;

He is my Father. Thus, the sunshine.

He smiled, he smiles, I smile; we love. Thus, the sunshines.




-va-

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Letter to you..

Hey, *sign language*.

Hi, I think you should be home already. I hope you got home safely, took the same old night bus again? I am still not use to being here, almost too sad to have to leave the habit of waiting for your return..yes, from the lights that shine through your curtain. I could see it from my room, or sometimes from the balcony. It would be well enough to put me to sleep.


I'm really happy that you're home. Though I didn't have a too much of a good time, felt like I failed badly during the youth service. But Pam spoke to me. I think I just learned what God has been trying to say to me. That is probably why He keep telling me to read the book of Job, I would have been so unprepared if I had missed out on this call too. In everything, give thanks. So I would give thanks to God for teaching me to fail, once, for real. The fall made the rest of the day wonderful.


Oh yea, I played basketball with the boys and aunty Wen Er just now. Fu's getting real good at it, of course, we insisted that it's his height..lolz. Ah Li is not bad too, he just gotta work out more, hahaa, that lazy one. We played in INTI's court, the one that we've always played in, every Chinese New Year. I secretly think it is a tradition, that everyone would be home and we can do all sort of crazy things, and have dinner together after sweatin a whole lot. I don't think I would put this in if it is a real letter to you. It would have look so stupid but I enjoy every moment of writing it.


I still try to use the highway everytime I go home from the church, and would pretend to talk to you for a few seconds. Sometimes I just let the music playing from the radio do the talking, Pam thinks it's sweet that we wind down the window that day to say good morning to you.


Hope everything is well, and good morning to you. =)





Your friend,

me.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

gibberish

I'm really happy, very much giddy. Among the butterflies in my stomach and puffy clouds in my mind, I think I feel some heartache and the feelings that can't be describe in words... I want you to go, the satisfaction of you in pursuing your dreams is the utmost happiness I can find in me. Knowing you are doing what you like to do drives me to go forth to achieve my ambitions. Somehow I find the faith to believe that we would be fine, just like how we are now. You will still be away working hard for your future, one that I hope I can share and I will be wherever I am to pray for you every night.

Dear Lord, please let him have all the joy and happiness, may he always find favour in Your eyes. Let him walk in Your way, according to Your will and always be faithful to You. Bless his family, though they may be far apart, let them always be in harmony and filled with love and care from one another. May You always be with him, every step that he takes. Thank you for Your blessing upon the man whom I care for. Amen.

Somewhere in me, a belief sparked, I believe that we would be like this, till a day when we shall meet again, it would be God's timing for us. For now, I will wait, in silent faith and prayer that you would always be fine, no matter where you are. May you find love.

A sense of sadness suddenly hit on me after I typed the last sentence. A loud pang on my head. May you find love. And the Father said, "I did not give you a spirit of fear," No matter how much I would hope for an assurance that never came, I shall have my trust upon you, upon God. That we will meet again, and we would be in better position to love and be loved. I will miss you, always. And so I will wait.



With love and prayer,
me.

爱君如梦

不准我讲请准我想像
梦到底比真实欢畅
别又何哀聚又何欢
相拥一刻梦不梦想

知得太多便换来失望
梦至少比醒来开朗
醉亦无伤累又何干
只想找一双手臂当床暂时让我躺

爱若是沉重
开心不过能做梦
就算超出可担当的体重
巴掌也都不痛
分手也都不痛
但掠过梦中亦会面红

爱字极沉重
因此只要能做梦
就算穿不起新衣都不冻
相恋要多英勇
分手有多苦痛
暂时就当我们都愚蠢
何必被猜中

我只记得
快乐如闪电
梦里摆一千场喜宴
要是明天再没明天
不必想起爱的缺点
不敢妄想被别人倾慕
但至少可真实一舞
美梦成真 美梦成假
不管真假举起了脚步
暂时未跌倒

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

爱君如梦。




-无名-

Monday, April 28, 2008

a cropped scene

This is a cropped scene from somewhere familiar, yes, Fu, it's your expected post. Haha... The story goes like these.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, it was some time ago, after some holiday season, half of our party had to leave for somewhere else again. It was this wonderful day that we had promised to go groceries shopping together, yes, we were desparate to spend time together, at least I was. So desparate that I went at 12a.m. and got back at 3a.m. the day I got back home. I had no nap that day. Okay, back to the story, so we went together, Tesco. =D

We all got there almost at the same time, we as in, me, Pam, Yan, my godbrothers, Fu and Li, as close as a real brother, the real brother himself - Ian and oh...him. Of course the people who really had to shop was just Yan and me but it was very heart-warming for me to have the whole gang going out before I really leave. I had to head back to the camp that day. *sigh*

Well, it wasn't much of the company and all though. Ian shopped with me, the rest with Yan, Pam did come over and walked with me for a while and took a picture but that's it. We only met with the whole party before getting the trolly, at the instant noodles rack and after I paid, we met up at the register and I went off. I wasn't disappointed in any way at all but was certainly not happy with the fact that I'm the one leaving soonest...

And we didn't really said a thing at all. Probably because I didn't know what to say at that time. I am always dumbfounded when he is around and I think the whole wide world discovered that already. So that was it. I was leaving, saying goodbye to everyone. Hugged Pam.. and okay, whatever I might hallusinate about was probably not coming so I turned. With Ian by my side and let out a sigh.

"Eva,"

"Hmm?", I turned back.

"Take care.", he said.

-------------------------------------------------------------
There you go. That's all for now.





-white girl-

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Never give up on someone you can't go a day without thinking about.

I guess forgetting to think about someone is a gradual process. I won't say it has been going on for two year...it certainly did not seem that long. He's a habit, just like some people bite their nails, I would just so unconsciously drift my thoughts to him. He's my daily prayer item. Let him be well and happy. Let his family be close and always harmonious. May his studies be fine and may he find favour in God's eyes. Amen.

We had not seen each other for months. Haven't had a conversation for months as well. But there is no doubt that I miss him and will always do. I would wind down the car window to say good morning when I pass his old apartment. I can always recall him calling me after I had turned to leave and said a quiet "take care." How I wish time would just go round replaying the happy moments. Under such desparate disconnection from the outside world, we had been friends and always had our small talks. May it be under his sympathy or just to keep track that I stay faithful as a fellow sister. It was a memory worth keeping for me.

Maybe we will meet again. It would probably be another farewell, off to the states, half a globe away. Or will I miss it like I did during his last one. We will part as friends. Soon I would depart too, for some other journey of my own. An opposite direction of where you'd be heading. Would my dependent on you be clearer in our regret...

My memories in you might fade and soon this habit might go away. But before it does, I want to treasure every moment we can have. To wake up in the weekends thinking of you is like a scent of spring in the morning. May I find joy in you, a thought that keeps me smiling.


-va-



Thursday, April 3, 2008

无题

无题 (其一)
作者:【李商隐】 年代:【唐】 体裁:【七律】 类别:【闺情】
相见时难别亦难,东风无力百花残。
春蚕到死丝方尽,蜡炬成灰泪始干。
晓镜但愁云鬓改,夜吟应觉月光寒。
蓬山此去无多路,青鸟殷勤为探看。

注释:
1.无题:唐代以来,有的诗人不愿意标出能够表示主题的题目时,常用“ 诗的标题。
2.丝方尽:丝,与“思”是谐音字,“丝方尽”意思是除非死了,思念才会结束。
3.泪始干:泪,指燃烧时的蜡烛油,这里取双关义,指相思的眼泪。
4.晓镜:早晨梳妆照镜子;云鬓:女子多而美的头发,这里比喻青春年华。
5.蓬山:蓬莱山,传说中海上仙山,比喻被怀念者住的地方。
6.青鸟:神话中为西王母传递音讯的信使。

赏析:
这是诗人以“无题”为题目的许多诗歌中最有名的一首寄情诗。整首 诗的内容围绕着第一句,尤其是“别亦难”三字展开。“东风”句点了时节,但 更是对人的相思情状的比喻。因情的缠绵悱恻,人就像春末凋谢的春花那样没了 生气。三、四句是相互忠贞不渝、海誓山盟的写照。五、六句则分别描述两人因 不能相见而惆怅、怨虑,倍感清冷以至衰颜的情状。唯一可以盼望的是七、八两 句中的设想:但愿青鸟频频传递相思情。

译文1
聚首多么不易,离别更是难舍难分;
暮春作别,恰似东风力尽百花凋残。
春蚕至死,它才把所有的丝儿吐尽;
红烛自焚殆尽,满腔热泪方才涸干。
清晨对镜晓妆,唯恐如云双鬓改色;
夜阑对月自吟,该会觉得太过凄惨。
蓬莱仙境距离这里,没有多少路程,
殷勤的青鸟信使,多劳您为我探看。

译文2
见面的机会真是难得,分别时也难舍难分,
况且又兼东风将收的暮春天气,百花残谢,
更加使人伤感。 春蚕结茧到死时丝才吐完,
蜡烛要燃完成灰时象泪一样的蜡油才能滴干。
女方早晨妆扮照镜,只担忧丰盛如云的鬓发改变颜色,
青春的容颜消失。男子晚上长吟不寐,
必然感到冷月侵人。
对方的住处就在不远的蓬莱山,却无路可通,
可望而不可即。
希望有青鸟一样的使者殷勤地为我去探看情人,
来往传递消息. 题解就诗而论,

这是一首表示两情至死不渝的爱情诗。然而历来颇多认为或许有人事关系上的隐托。起句两个“难”字,点出了聚首不易,别离更难之情,感情绵邈,语言多姿,落笔非凡。颔联以春蚕绛腊作比,十分精彩,既缠缅沉痛,又坚贞不渝。接着颈联写晓妆对镜,抚鬓自伤,是自计;良夜苦吟,月光披寒,是计人。相劝自我珍重,善加护惜,却又苦情密意,体贴入微,可谓千回百转,神情燕婉。最终末联写希望信使频传佳音,意致婉曲,柳暗花明,真是终境逢生,别有洞天。春蚕两句,千秋佳绝。

无题(其二)
昨夜星辰昨夜风,画楼西畔桂堂东。
身无彩凤双飞翼,心有灵犀一点通。
隔座送钩春酒暖,分曹射覆蜡灯红。
嗟余听鼓应官去,走马兰台类转蓬。

《无题》
序花去余香渺,人归细雨蒙。
画楼春色重,谁笑作倾城。

无题《一》
死生寂寞旧思缘, 春梦缠绵花落寒。
能舞清风挥碧影, 难留旧月照栏杆。
伤心本为痴痴怨, 愁怅何须窃窃瞒?
海誓山盟空相许, 真情尽处亦云烟!

《无题》二
执手还须道珍重, 此情尽处也温柔。
你心你情终易换, 我爱我恨本难求。
昨日尚是无猜引, 今朝已成陌路由。
梦魂如化相思鸟, 日夜悲啼死不休!

《无题》三
谁道相思苦滋味, 谁言恨事本天成!
心坚何惧无情雨, 魂断岂堪憔悴风。
梦里月圆香雾绕, 云端花好紫烟轻。
无缘今世成相许, 或待重逢任死生!

《无题》四
余香往事梦中休, 玉影芳踪难去留。
自古相思一样苦, 从来离散两般愁。
情能深处忧还喜, 恨至多时淡且稠。
独对月明应寂寞, 问卿何处过中秋。

《无题》五
写赋空多子建才, 应知神洛是天仙。
无情花落人争爱, 有意草幽谁弃怜。
书简情深羞不语, 荔枝香尽恨难言。
温柔若假还真日, 莫在别时也问缘!

《无题》六
记否桂花香脉时, 当年笑我是情痴。
诗如笔底相思泪, 泪若心头无语诗。
错把绝情归信误, 漫将失意做新知。
嫦娥未必曾秋水, 柳月何须似画眉。

无题《七》
爱恨朦胧花季间,含情为你似婵娟。
无心妙语偏多解,有意痴言正少缘。
往日闲愁强潇洒,近来新病弱衣冠。
锦书不敢繁青鸟,梦里相期渐渺然。

无题后记*
重逢惜别再见怎无言。云鬓红唇泪眼含。
闲问新情皆婉转,偶提旧事共流连。
桥头问卜谁沾喜?星尽求神自惹怜!
我未成名卿已嫁,今生又是来生缘。

其一
来是空言去绝踪, 月斜楼上五更钟。
梦为远别啼难唤, 书被催成墨未浓。
蜡照半笼金翡翠, 麝薰微度绣芙蓉。
刘郎已恨蓬山远, 更隔蓬山一万重。
其二
飒飒东风细雨来, 芙蓉塘外有轻雷。
金蟾啮锁烧香入, 玉虎牵丝汲井回。
贾氏窥帘韩掾少 ,泌妃留枕魏王才。
相思莫共花争发, 一寸相思一寸灰。

其三
含情春畹晚, 暂见夜阑干。
去见意中人时, 已春深日暮。
楼响将登怯, 帘烘欲过难。
多羞钗上燕, 真愧镜中鸾.
归去横塘晚, 华星送宝鞍。

其四
何处哀筝随急管, 樱花永巷垂杨岸。
东家老女嫁不售, 白日当天三月半,
溧阳公主年十四, 清明暖后同墙看。
归来展转到五更, 梁间燕子闻长叹

无题
作者:【李商隐】 年代:【唐】 体裁:【五古】 类别:【未知】

八岁偷照镜,长眉已能画。
十岁去踏青,芙蓉作裙衩。
十二学弹筝,银甲不曾卸。
十四藏六亲,悬知犹未嫁。
十五泣春风,背面秋千下。

无题二首
作者:【李商隐】 年代:【唐】 体裁:【七律】 类别:【未知】

凤尾香罗薄几重,碧文圆顶夜深缝。
扇裁月魄羞难掩,车走雷声语未通。
曾是寂寥金烬暗,断无消息石榴红。
斑骓只系垂杨岸,何处西南待好风。
重帏深下莫愁堂,卧后清宵细细长。
神女生涯元是梦,小姑居处本无郎。
风波不信菱枝弱,月露谁教桂叶香。
直道相思了无益,未妨惆怅是清狂。

【注释】: 莫愁:泛指少女。典出梁萧衍《河中之水歌》:“河中之水向东流,洛阳女儿名莫愁。”
【简析】: 第一首似写一位女性在怀思所爱。写深夜难眠还在缝制罗帐,回忆起当时偶遇的情景。及写渴望和惆怅的心情,期待着有机缘能再相遇。也可以从男性的角度作拟女方的解释。第二首,写少女醒后细品梦中的情景,必然若失,徒自伤感,并表示为了爱情甘愿受折磨,决心追求幸福。 李商隐的七律无题,艺术上最成熟,最能代表其无题诗的独特艺术风貌。这两首七律无题,内容都是抒写青年女子爱情失意的幽怨,相思无望的苦闷,又都采取女主人公深夜追思往事的方式,因此,女主人公的心理独白就构成了诗的主体。她的身世遭遇和爱情生活中某些具体情事就是通过追思回忆或隐或显地表现出来的。

第一首起联写女主人公深夜缝制罗帐。凤尾香罗,是一种织有凤纹的薄罗;碧文圆顶,指有青碧花纹的圆顶罗帐。李商隐写诗特别讲求暗示,即使是律诗的起联,也往往不愿意写得过于明显直遂,留下一些内容让读者去玩索体味。象这一联,就只写主人公在深夜做什么,而不点破这件事意味着什么,甚至连主人公的性别与身份都不作明确交代。我们通过“凤尾香罗”、“碧文圆顶”的字面和“夜深缝”的行动,可以推知主人公大概是一位幽居独处的闺中女子。罗帐,在古代诗歌中常常被用作男女好合的象征。在寂寥的长夜中默默地缝制罗帐的女主人公,大概正沉浸在对往事的追忆和对会合的深情期待中吧。

接下来是女主人公的一段回忆,内容是她和意中人一次偶然的相遇——“扇裁月魄羞难掩,车走雷声语未通。”对方驱车匆匆走过,自己因为羞涩,用团扇遮面,虽相见而未及通一语。从上下文描写的情况看,这次相遇不象是初次邂逅,而是“断无消息”之前的最后一次照面。否则,不可能有深夜缝制罗帐,期待会合的举动。正因为是最后一次未通言语的相遇,在长期得不到对方音讯的今天回忆往事,就越发感到失去那次机缘的可惜,而那次相遇的情景也就越加清晰而深刻地留在记忆中。所以这一联不只是描绘了女主人公爱情生活中一个难忘的片断,而且曲折地表达了她在追思往事时那种惋惜、怅惘而又深情地加以回味的复杂心理。起联与颔联之间,在情节上有很大的跳跃,最后一次照面之前的许多情事(比如她和对方如何结识、相爱等)统统省略了。 颈联写别后的相思寂寥。和上联通过一个富于戏剧性的片断表现瞬间的情绪不同,这一联却是通过情景交融的艺术手法概括地抒写一个较长时期中的生活和感情,具有更浓郁的抒情气氛和象征暗示色彩。

两句是说,自从那次匆匆相遇之后,对方便绝无音讯。已经有多少次独自伴着逐渐黯淡下去的残灯度过寂寥的不眠之夜,眼下又是石榴花红的季节了。“蜡炬成灰泪始干”,“一寸相思一寸灰”,那黯淡的残灯,不只是渲染了长夜寂寥的气氛,而且它本身就仿佛是女主人公相思无望情绪的外化与象征。石榴花红的季节,春天已经消逝了。在寂寞的期待中,石榴花红给她带来的也许是流光易逝、青春虚度的怅惘与伤感吧?“金烬暗”、“石榴红”,仿佛是不经意地点染景物,却寓含了丰富的感情内涵。把象征暗示的表现手法运用得这样自然精妙,不露痕迹,这确实是艺术上炉火纯青境界的标志。 末联仍旧到深情的期待上来。“斑骓”句暗用乐府《神弦歌·明下童曲》“陆郎乘斑骓……望门不欲归”句意,大概是暗示她日久思念的意中人其实和她相隔并不遥远,也许此刻正系马垂杨岸边呢,只是咫尺天涯,无缘会合罢了。末句化用曹植《七哀》“愿为西南风,长逝入君怀”诗意,希望能有一阵好风,将自己吹送到对方身边。李商隐的优秀的爱情诗,多数是写相思的痛苦与会合的难期的,但即使是无望的爱情,也总是贯串着一种执着不移的追求,一种“春蚕到死丝方尽,蜡炬成灰泪始干”式的真挚而深厚的感情。希望在寂寞中燃烧,我们在这首诗中所感受到的也正是这样一种感情。这是他的优秀爱情诗和那些缺乏深挚感情的艳体诗之间的一个重要区别,也是这些诗尽管在不同程度上带有时代、阶级的烙印,却至今仍然能打动人们的一个重要原因。

比起第一首,第二首更侧重于抒写女主人公的身世遭遇之感,写法也更加概括。一开头就撇开具体情事,从女主人公所处的环境氛围写起。层帷深垂,幽邃的居室笼罩着一片深夜的静寂。独处幽室的女主人公自思身世,辗转不眠,倍感静夜的漫长。这里尽管没有一笔正面抒写女主人公的心理状态,但透过这静寂孤清的环境气氛,我们几乎可以触摸到女主人公的内心世界,感觉到那帷幕深垂的居室中弥漫着一层无名的幽怨。 颔联进而写女主人公对自己爱情遇合的回顾。上句用巫山神女梦遇楚王事,下句用乐府《神弦歌·清溪小姑曲》:“小姑所居,独处无郎。”意思是说,追思往事,在爱情上尽管也象巫山神女那样,有过自己的幻想与追求,但到头来不过是做了一场幻梦而已;直到现在,还正象清溪小姑那样,独处无郎,终身无托。这一联虽然用了两个典故,却几乎让人感觉不到有用典的痕迹,真正达到了驱使故典如同己出的程度。特别是它虽然写得非常概括,却并不抽象,因为这两个典故各自所包含的神话传说本身就能引起读者的丰富想象与联想。两句中的“原”字、“本”字,颇见用意。前者暗示她在爱情上不仅有过追求,而且也曾有过短暂的遇合,但终究成了一场幻梦,所以说“原是梦”;后者则似乎暗示:尽管迄今仍然独居无郎,无所依托,但人们则对她颇有议论,所以说“本无郎”,其中似含有某种自我辩解的意味。不过,上面所说的这两层意思,都写得隐约不露,不细心揣摩体味是不容易发现的。 颈联从不幸的爱情经历转到不幸的身世遭遇。这一联用了两个比喻:说自己就象柔弱的菱枝,却偏遭风波的摧折;又象具有芬芳美质的桂叶,却无月露滋润使之飘香。

这一联含意比较隐晦,似乎是暗示女主人公在生活中一方面受到恶势力的摧残,另一方面又得不到应有的同情与帮助。“不信”,是明知菱枝为弱质而偏加摧折,见“风波”之横暴;“谁教”,是本可滋润桂叶而竟不如此,见“月露”之无情。措辞婉转,而意极沉痛。 爱情遇合既同梦幻,身世遭逢又如此不幸,但女主人公并没有放弃爱情上的追求——“直道相思了无益,未妨惆怅是清狂。”即便相思全然无益,也不妨抱痴情而惆怅终身。在近乎幻灭的情况下仍然坚持不渝的追求,“相思”的铭心刻骨更是可想而知了。 中唐以来,以爱情、艳情为题材的诗歌逐渐增多。这类作品在共同特点是叙事的成份比较多,情节性比较强,人物、场景的描绘相当细致。李商隐的爱情诗却以抒情为主体,着力抒写主人公的主观感觉、心理活动,表现她(他)们丰富复杂的内心世界。而为了加强抒情的形象性、生动性,又往往要在诗中织入某些情节的片断,在抒情中融入一定的叙事成分。这就使诗的内容密度大大增加,形成短小的体制与丰富的内容之间的矛盾。为了克服这一矛盾,他不得不大大加强诗句之间的跳跃性,并且借助比喻、象征、联想等多种手法来加强诗的暗示性。这是他的爱情诗意脉不很明显、比较难读的一个重要原因。但也正因为这样,他的爱情诗往往具有蕴藉含蓄、意境深远、写情细腻的特点和优点,经得起反复咀嚼与玩索。

无题诗究竟有没有寄托,是一个复杂的问题。离开诗歌艺术形象的整体,抓住其中的片言只语,附会现实生活的某些具体人事,进行索隐猜谜式的解释,是完全违反艺术创作规律的。象冯浩那样,将“凤尾”首中的“垂杨岸”解为“寓柳姓”(指诗人的幕主柳仲郢),将“西南”解为“蜀地”,从而把这两首诗说成是诗人“将赴东川,往别令狐,留宿,而有悲歌之作”,就是穿凿附会的典型。但这并不妨碍我们从诗歌形象的整体出发,联系诗人的身世遭遇和其他作品,区别不同情况,对其中的某些无题诗作这方面的探讨。就这两首无题诗看,“重帏”首着重写女主人公如梦似幻,无所依托,横遭摧折的凄苦身世,笔意空灵概括,意在言外,其中就可能寓含或渗透作者自己的身世之感。熟悉作者身世的读者不难从“神女”一联中体味出诗人在回顾往事时深慨辗转相依、终归空无的无限怅惘。“风波”一联,如单纯写女子遭际,显得不着边际;而从比兴寄托角度理解,反而易于意会。作者地位寒微,“内无强近,外乏因依”(《祭徐氏姊文》),仕途上不仅未遇有力援助,反遭朋党势力摧抑,故借菱枝遭风波摧折,桂叶无月露滋润致慨。他在一首托宫怨以寄慨的《深宫》诗中说:“狂飚不惜萝阴薄,清露偏知桂叶浓”,取譬与“风波”二句相似(不过“清露”句与“月露”句托意正相反而已),也可证“风波”二句确有寄托。何焯说这首无题“直露(自伤不遇)本意”,是比较符合实际的。和“重帏”首相比,“凤尾”首的寄托痕迹就很不明显,因为诗中对女主人公爱情生活中的某些具体情事描绘得相当细致(如“扇裁月魄”一联),写实的特点比较突出。但不论这两首无题诗有无寄托,它们都首先是成功的爱情诗。即使我们完全把它们作为爱情诗来读,也并不减低其艺术价值。

无题二首
作者:【李商隐】 年代:【唐】 体裁:【七律】 类别:【未知】
来是空言去绝踪,月斜楼上五更钟。
梦为远别啼难唤,书被催成墨未浓。
蜡照半笼金翡翠,麝薰微度绣芙蓉。
刘郎已恨蓬山远,更隔蓬山一万重。
飒飒东风细雨来,芙蓉塘外有轻雷。
金蟾啮锁烧香入,玉虎牵丝汲井回。
贾氏窥帘韩掾少,宓妃留枕魏王才。
春心莫共花争发,一寸相思一寸灰。

【注释】: 刘郎,相传东汉明帝永平五年刘晨、阮肇入山采药,迷不得出,遇二女子,邀至家留居半年才还,后人以此典喻艳遇。蓬山,即蓬莱山,泛指仙境。韩寿,晋人,司空贾充的僚属,充每在家聚会,贾女从窗格中偷窥,见其貌美而爱之,与私通,充发觉后乃以妻寿。宓妃留枕:曹植《洛神赋·序》:“黄初三年,作朝京师,还济洛川。古人有言,斯水之神,名曰宓妃。感宋玉对楚王神女之事,遂作斯赋。”植过洛水时,忽见一女子来,赠所用枕。宓妃,传说中伏羲氏之女。

【简析】: 第一首是情诗,写与情人别离后的思念。始从觉醒的甜梦中醒来觉得怅然若失,回忆起梦中依依惜别的情景,又匆忙地写信给她。从借用刘郎的典故,显见今后要再会是几乎不可能了。第二首也是情诗,但比较隐晦、深沉而痛苦,结尾二句为千古佳句,引人共鸣。

无题
作者:【李商隐】 年代:【唐】 体裁:【七律】 类别:【未知】
昨夜星辰昨夜风,画楼西畔桂堂东。
身无彩凤双飞翼,心有灵犀一点通。
隔座送钩春酒暖,分曹射覆蜡灯红。
嗟余听鼓应官去,走马兰台类转蓬。

【注解】: 1、画楼、桂堂:都是比喻富贵人家的屋舍。 2、灵犀:旧说犀牛有神异,角中有白纹如线,直通两头。 3、送钩:也称藏钩。古代腊日的一种游戏,分二曹以较胜负。把钩互相传送后,藏于一人手中,令人猜。 4、分曹:分组。 5、射覆:在覆器下放着东西令人猜。分曹、射覆未必是实指,只是借喻宴会时的热闹。 6、鼓:指更鼓。 7、应官:犹上班。 8、兰台:即秘书省,掌管图书秘籍。李商隐曾任秘书省正字。这句从字面看,是参加宴会后,随即骑马到兰台,类似蓬草之飞转,实则也隐含自伤飘零意。

【韵译】: 昨夜星光灿烂,夜半却有习习凉风; 我们酒筵设在画楼西畔、桂堂之东。 身上无彩凤的双翼,不能比翼齐飞; 内心却象灵犀一样,感情息息相通。 互相猜钩嬉戏,隔座对饮春酒暖心; 分组来行酒令,决一胜负烛光泛红。 可叹呵,听到五更鼓应该上朝点卯; 策马赶到兰台,象随风飘转的蓬蒿。

【评析】: 所谓“无题”诗,历来有不同看法:有人认为应属于寓言,有人认为都是赋本事 的。就李商隐的“无题”诗来看,似乎都是属于写艳情的,实有所指,只是不便说出 而巳。 此诗是追忆所遇见的艳情场景。先写筵会时地;接着写形体相隔,人情相通;再 写相遇的情意绵绵;最后写别后离恨。艳丽而不猥亵,情真而不痴癫。

【注释】: 送钩,古代宴会中的一种游戏,把钩在暗中传递,让人猜在谁手中,猜不中就罚酒。射覆,古代的一种游戏,在器皿下覆盖东西让人猜。兰台,即秘书省,掌管图书秘籍,时李商隐任秘书省正字。

无题二首
作者:【李商隐】 年代:【唐】 体裁:【七律】 类别:【未知】
(其一)
何处哀筝随急管, 樱花永巷垂杨岸。
东家老女嫁不售, 白日当天三月半。
溧阳公主年十四, 清明暖后同墙看。
归来展转到五更, 梁间燕子闻长叹。
王十二兄与畏之员外相访,见招小饮,
时予以悼亡日近, 不去,因寄。

(其二)
谢傅门庭旧末行, 今朝歌管属檀郎。
更无人处帘垂地, 欲拂尘时簟竟床。
嵇氏幼男犹可悯, 左家娇女岂能望?
愁霖腹疾俱难遣, 万里西风夜正长。

李商隐

无题(昨夜星辰)

昨夜星辰昨夜风,画楼西畔桂堂东。
身无彩凤双飞翼,心有灵犀一点通。
隔座送钩春酒暖,分曹射覆蜡灯红。
嗟余听鼓应官去,走马兰台类转蓬。

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Jane Austen 的 subtle romance.

It's raining outside. You are leaving in another couples of months...or that is what I've heard. Hmm..and so you slowly drifted away. Almost unnoticed. Disappeared. I foolishly made a covenant, I will wait. Just as we met so briefly, knew each other so shallowly and made such little effort to risk our friendship, we will continue in silence. It is not either of our practice to be vulnerable and exposed and it is best for me to follow after you.

These coming years, a detour crept into our ways, a prank of time. Just as much as I like to play tricks, my existence backfired. Distance has never left us and each time distance grows with time. So much as it had played to our advantage to appreciate each other more, we've met so little for it to be possible to love. We became two lines that met so insignificantly and drew away into two parallel lines after that meeting. Such meeting so plain that it was comfortable, but it would only happen in chance...so much so that we can only wait and not to chase after it.

Your smile, words, and mere existence is enough a reason for me to wait upon. A wink that I was so sure that it is real, as short as a shooting star but so true that no one could deny. Autumn wind gives life to falling leaves and our acquaintance gave life to this stubbornness. To wait upon you again..

-some one else-

10.1.3.11

崇拜

你的姿態 你的青睞
我存在在你的存在
你以為愛 就是被愛
你揮霍了我的崇拜

我活了 我愛了 我都不管了
心愛到瘋了 恨到酸了就好了
可能的 可以的 真的可惜了
幸福好不容易 怎麼你卻不敢了呢

我還以為我們能 不同於別人
我還以為不可能的 不會不可能

你的姿態 你的青睞
我存在在你的存在
你以為愛 就是被愛
你揮霍了我的崇拜
風箏有風 海豚有海
我存在在我的存在
所以明白 所以離開
所以不再為愛而愛
自己存在在你之外

.......whitegirl

Monday, February 18, 2008

...

=) hmm...i didn't know where to look...the elevator is full of people and you know, so quiet. I mean, well...people jz don't talk in elevators 'cause everybody will be listening to the conversation. And church people are realllyyyy polite. I guess it is best to make other feel impolite and awkward. I was with him the full 20 seconds, all the way - from the top 5th floor down to the basement. So happened that I was standing near the buttons.

Oow...of course it didn't start like that. I actually prayed for the chance, and it did worked, very well in fact. But I couldn't work out the guts to speak a word. And when Eunice came to drag me away, I just went with her, all the way too, to the opposite site. WHY ON EARTH did I do that for?! Even Pam asked me why didn't I go talk to him.

So i guess that was it. All I did was smile and wave goodbye. Before he got on his car and I got on mine. which was just 3 lots away. Argh. I'm sorry...

-stumbling va-

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