Happiness by Choice

Happiness is by choice. If there ever are any valuable lessons that I've learnt in my 21 years of living, this has to be it. I have to admit that I don't always know it. Sometimes I just deny it anyway. But the truth is, as mom get grumpier and dad gets more distracted, these words spoke out to me. I can't be happy unless it is my choice.

The options are I can either take in every critique, scoldings, insults and let them rot in my churning tummy, or I can turn and walk away whistling "for I'm a jolly good fellow..." -because I am.

Anyho, I choose to be happy right this moment. :) With all my clothes that are cute and comfy.

won't hurt if you have some partners in crimes too.

my sunday best

Caleb the rocker. This photo is my favourite from this Sunday. :D

A little comic strip for laughs. Ah I love u Calvin.

Outfit details:

Black cardigan from Glassons

Layered dress - mom's regret buy

Studded flats - Vincci shoes

Birdie necklace from Perpetual Princess by Eelin Ch'ng

Looking Into My Window

Looking back into the years when I was this awkward little person - not that I am not one now - I cannot help but remember the days when I would look into his windows, more often than not, unlid. Once every few months, the lights would be turned on and I would know he was home; and I would wait, most impatiently but careful not to be noticed for his regular seat to be filled with his presence. I am sure his presence was not anymore electrifying to any other person in the room, but it seems to radiate towards me. Nudging me to turn my head every moment or so.

Now that feeling is gone, I have gotten rid of that box of a long dreamy crush. I have grown out of the years of awkward fantasies and idealistic dreams. I stepped away from the beautiful world I thought I had lived in just to see another beautiful place, cold, hard and but a bit less beautiful than the one that I had lived and breathed in. A place so idle yet engaging; so engaging that it is to be missed to do justice for the sake of its beauty.

Just as I stepped into my old world, that heavy humid air swam with such force that seemed to desire to burst my lungs from within. My head tipsy and my feet light. But the first thought in my mind were who is looking through to my window. Who is waiting for my light?

My foolishness and vanity. Who are you, the other me, the other foolish little person who waited so long, so hopefully for me?

Nagger Nags, Whiner Complains

So I was talking to Big Bird from Sesame Street just now until my phone died on me. The big topic seemed to encircle around tuning out. One thing we both agreed on is that living with a woman is like living with a woman whom you got married to for 30 years. To simplify it, living with a woman, regardless of the actual relationship you are in with her, it will feel like she is your wife of 30 long miserable years.

Oh I have nothing against my own gender. I just think that if given the option to make life easier for someone else, we should take it, not trash it.

Nagger nags, whiner complains; that's what they do, otherwise they wouldn't be who they are. From the everyday habits of their friends, colleagues, garden, clothes, shoes...extending to things that have no relation to their life like American national TV. They just don't see the dark cloud hanging over their heads, the trail of trash cans tied to their waist.

I am not stupid, tuning out doesn't work half the time. Not listening doesn't mean you don't hear. Subconsciously absorbing is just as disturbing as actively engaging in such conversation. Only, tuning out probably helps to end the conversation quicker.

I would say. Take it easy, lady. There is nothing in life that you can't complain about if you are determined enough. Self control is a gift. And gifts, bring joy.

Just human

Some people have there great discovery about life way early and lost the enthusiasm for it and some never found the purpose why they exist. So what's the whole big deal about finding the purpose then. We're just mere human anyways.

Human who gets hurt, hype, happy, depressed, carefree, distressed, sound, insane... The thing is, it all comes down to a point. We just want to be loved, encouraged and appreciated. Bottomline is just acceptance. Mere human. We are that simple.

Quote: Life is like a conversation, it's crazy if you do it alone.

-Eva-

There are stars tonight.

There were stars tonight. Looking at them, seems like I was seeing some old friends, can't help smiling at them, even for a quick glimpse. I went out just now, alone, for supper. It was a familiar joint for me, something that I have been having and once craved for when I was young. I used to sing to my dad and lure him into cycling to get those yummy curry rice for me around midnight when we were still in the old house.

There was solitude tonight. I don't care if other people think it is dangerous to go out alone at night at the wee hours. Mum was asleep. And it is like back then, when I spend time with myself a lot, enjoying my own company, just me..and me. A little rebellious, from sneaking out in mum's car. But it seems so familiar, like my old self sweeping through. I am myself again. The one who sits in the moonlight blogging alone.

Then there was a funny old friend. Simpleton, we chatted for a while and bid goodbye. What jolly good company. Though it was a while, it makes me remember how good it is to be just simple and content. We don't really need all that much anyway.

What a night, a beautiful night, meeting all of you, my old friends. Nothing beats being myself, and knowing that it is all enough.


Finally home,
Eva

Elopement

Time draws near. There is this undeniable excitement that is brewing inside, like a pot of coffee the scent bitter yet in this time I smell nothing but the sweetness in the air. Though the dark clouds are ruining my day. The song keeps playing, skip this town for a little while, and off I am eloping with myself.

So there will be more time alone, with me and you and the words that's swimming inside of me. Bubbling up and bursting into songs of the seasons and at times singing out loud, sometimes with strength and courage, while other times in melancholy and romanticism. Most times with sacarsm and dry wit. Skip this town for a little while, and I wander and wonder if you will ever follow.

So I am leaving, it's an elopement. Of plain craziness and spotaniousity. So much spinning around me but I am in so much joy and faith. Until I see you again, until I see you again. Skip this town for a little while.



-va-

an artist

I want to be an artist. One who writes, sings, dances, paints, acts, sketches, recites, makes music, reads and one whom art appreciates. Yes, an artist whom art itself appreciates. It must have been the songs and movies and blogs and books. I am a vessel, half empty and half full. Half fool and half wise. Half fact and half fiction. Found but partially lost. Bright at times but invisible too. Hallusinative. I think I am a song, a movie and a book too.

A tear, a smile, a cry and laughter, tell me, what are you?



-nobody-

Thus lay the golden sandal..

Being a princess is no easy job...can't say I'm one, but hey, I ain't have a thing to complain about. Got the car, the house, the gadgets. All I'm waiting for is just for the cute prince to come sweep me off my feet unto the white horse and ride into the marvelous sunset.

In the mean time, I guess I'd still have to do some singing in the small hut in the woods, with my fellow cute animals, a couple of sparrows and a chipmunk, maybe a deer and a few rabbits. It's not easy you know, the waiting part. Nuh-uh, growing the hair and singing the same song...lol. Except I don't do any of that.


Okay, this is the real part of my fairy tale.

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1. I'm eighteen, with quite well-off parents, living in a nice house just slightly away from the buzz of the city.

2. I don't have a chipmunk, but I do have a maid, as tiny as a chipmunk, and as annoying sometimes. Other times, she's great help to me.

3. I don't have any pumpkin-like carriage, but by terms of law, I do have an '96 Audi A4 that can count as a carriage.

4. I have a closet of clothes, not sewn by gifted wild animals, but bought by my parents, my siblings and some by my own salary.

5. I don't go around taking care of dwarfs, cleaning up their hut and arranging 7 beds, but I do teach, a standard 5 kid English and get paid for that.

6. I don't sing "A True Love's Kiss" every morning. But I love singing in church. I'm no opera soprano...more of a guitar person.

7. I don't have soliloque facing the camera, instead I write 'em all down in my blog - which only my friends read.

8. I don't have evil stepmothers or stepsisters, but my parents turn frantic once in a while.

9. When they do, my fairy godmother is always my friends, they're always ready to listen.

10. There's no sad orchestra background music when I cry, only loud pop/rock songs from bands like MCR, Boys like Girls and Dashboard Confessional.

11. The faith in true love's kiss in fairy tales is exactly the type of faith I have for Jesus, my happily ever after.

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So if I do sum it all up, I am living in a fairy tale, my fairy tale, would you wanna be a part of it? I caught you peeking a few times, y'know? *winks*

-va-

Enlightenment

This is to reply Francis's comment on my previous post. I cannot promise to be able to be of any help to enlighten you about the "cultural shock" that you are experiencing but I do hope my experience will help you to cope with it.

Well, first of all, we both have similar backgrounds, growing up in the same small town - although none of us think that it is small 'cause it's always so busy and in filled with so many fun things to do. We went to the same schools(yes, from kindy to high school). It was dandy fine with me through the years. I loved cycling around and get pirated VCDs from local illegal stores. They're cheap and good. My only worries seemed to be my daily argument with my siblings, extra allowance for my VCDs, and if I have missed my favourite TV show.

I knew I am gonna move probably during the end of my high school years or maybe after I graduate. I was verbally prepared and the family was happy to say buh-bye to the huge yucky drain right beside our house. I guess my change was worse than Francis's. At least he didn't move or anything. So, I went from super-innocent-nerd-co-ed to highly-complicated-sophisticated-and-filled-with-politics-girls'-school. Mind you, both are the best schools around and thanks to my 138 IQ, I got in.

Except, I have to wake up at 5 in the morning then, so that I can make it in time for my 6 a.m. school bus, and sleep in the bus while the school bus struggle through the early morning minor congestion to school, it usually takes about an hour just to get to school. Back then I only wake up at 6 a.m. to take the 7 a.m. bus, with no air-con, and the windows wide open, I can suck in all the fresh air while taking a cat nap during the ride. And since my temporary house was an apartment, the bus no longer deliver me back to my door steps, I have to walk at least 300m to get to the place where the bus usually stops, in the dark, 'cause the sun is still having its beauty sleep at 5.

And that wasn't the worst part yet, I walk into my new class just to discover that S4F(my class code) is the LAST pure science class. In sarcastic Cantonese, we call these 箩底橙。But, the good point is, they helped my forget about the stress of study as I had more than enough in my plate already. The no-good part was that girls hang out in cliques, and they had already have a steady clique (or a few cliques) through the four years in the school. Me? er...I don't even know the rules, man. I can still remember the girls thought I was a show-off and all that. They only came to know that I am no goody two shoes when I start eating in class, and my seat was just behind the head prefect. She was way to tall and her height is no doubt the greatest cover up anyone can ever ask for.

My form four year actually turned out to be bearable 'cause I hang out with happy happy friends who could make study a funny jolly thing. And it was half a year, no biggie to me. But Eva had to say buh bye to my fun friends to move up to the third class 'cause I 'proved my capability'...=="
The third class was no fun, I tell you. No fun. Fun sucks for them. They would buy a vacuum just to suck all the F, U and N outta you. Well, maybe not all that bad. But one thing I can be sure, their idea of fun is certainly and never will be parallel with my idea of fun.

So I'm gonna start my naming and shaming, I think I still have a few grudges that needs getting over with.

1. The nerds.
Those are the best, and safest people to hang out with. I love them, they are great help and are actually sincerely kind to you. They are those who puts studies in front of everything else, mostly because a number of them need to get some good scholarship to help them in the future. No hard feelings, but for such hardworking people to end up in the third class, they are not as intelligent, 'cause smart people with that kinda commitment, we have another term for them, we call them genius. Nerds are great people, but the English word make them sound less than who they are. Chinese call them scholars, 文人。They rate about 2 in the fun-o-meter, which means, most of them find no joy in everything, except their homework and text books. 0 risk takers, they don't try, think or even have illusion of breaking, bending or avoiding the law, so they can help you with academic stuffs only. These people practically faints in social crisis.

2. The promiscuous girls.
Oh yea, they are great fun and huge risk takers. Most of them don't appear in the 3rd class though, but we know them. You know, girls, rumours, I can tell you something, where girls are involved, news can spread like wild fire. Tonnes of hormon raging girls trapped in a place with no beings of opposite gender of same species is dangerous. They know all the boy's name and most of the time are taken. Their relationship status changes as frequently as the positions of stars in the night sky - if you can see them despite the pollution. One more thing though, the looks...don't really matter. Most of them look normal, but with the make-ups and minus the uniform..hmm. But some dinosaurs join the game too. They are great help in academy too, really, they know all the shortcuts. And socially, they are rather dangerous. Their network is highly broad, you just have to know that you need tobe careful with their friends who gives you funny looks.

3. The lesbians.
In other words, the mentally impaired and socially confused. Some lesbos are very much obvious. They looks like baddies in girl's school uniforms. Extremely short spikey boyish hair, no breasts and walk with their leg wide open to display their masculine...er...poise. Those are the safe lesbians, you just have to make it clear that you are not interested in dating people unsure of their gender and they'd treat you like a sister, except, they want to be your brother. The other type of lesbo are those who are highly disturbed. 'Highly' because they must have been through a lot to have such perverted views in these young ages. They might still have boy friends out there somewhere while dating girls in the school. They would cry and overwork their brain with extreme emotions. Their sexuality doesn't directly influence their social behaviour as they can fall into two or more catogeries. But please be very careful not to be pulled into the vortex by sharing their feelings.

4. The happy people.
These are the semi-s too. Most of them are semi-happy people, as most happy ones are a mix of two categories, e.g. Promiscuous + Happy. The happy ones is no help at all when bad things happen. They are 100% carefree and do not give a darn on anything that might ruin their mood. Everything is a no big deal. They are fun to be with when you're in a cheerful mood. Their intelligence may rank from 0-10. Risk-o-meter is a definite 10. They would burn the school if that makes them happy. WOHOO~

5. The shh....
The mystery people.Hmm. Surprisingly, a lot of them are not loners. They come with the clique too, they are the quiet ones. No much to reveal in their backgrounds, no emotional break down, no extreme change in academic, no problems in school so no shortcuts or any help in academic side. But most of them are quite widely known. They keep a high-low-profile, they are those who keep low profiles but are highly tracked down.

6. The Haiyak!
The manly ones. They might be crossovers of lesbos but some are just manly and not lesbos. Good in sports and hold high positions. Stern in their own fields. They know how their thing goes and are great help when you need some tips on the fields that they are familiar with. If you wanna be friends with them, you have to blend in real well with their wide social circle. Meaning, you have to be a social all-rounder, if not, you are just one of their acquaintance.

7. The scary people
These can be put into two clear divisions. The academic bullies and the social bullies. The social bullies are those who you should stay away from. They can really bring you down. Pretty girls with wonderful skin and figure. They would treat you like a sister during probation. If one fails to gain acknowledgement from them, she will be socially stripped of her privilege - at least until she recovers. Or if she is desparate to maintain her rank, she would have to be the slave of the Queenbee. To ride on the reputation of the Queenbee but under the strict social control. The academic bullies are those who excels very much in their studies. Refuse to share their source of intelligence and often laying pressures on things like greds and future plannings. They can simply narrate the contents of the text books with no difficulties. Most of them question the existence of God.

8. The socially versatiles
There are very few of these although many claims to be one. She would be the one who knows all the cliques an keeps her cool. The most neutral character, the one who know where to get help but most of the time doesn't need it. Clear and confident of her identity, not overwhelm by any cliques. Can't be of much help 'cause her priority is to maintain social security, but she would know all the other people who can help.

Of course this is a very long list that I can't finish in just an hour or so. So, well, you just need to know where're your heading and what you want outta the situation you are in right now. Innocence is not an excuse for one to stay static in his socially growth. It is up to one's perrception and intellect to determine his roles and play it well.



-va-

无题

无题 （其一）
作者:【李商隐】 年代：【唐】 体裁：【七律】 类别：【闺情】
相见时难别亦难，东风无力百花残。
春蚕到死丝方尽，蜡炬成灰泪始干。
晓镜但愁云鬓改，夜吟应觉月光寒。
蓬山此去无多路，青鸟殷勤为探看。

注释：
1．无题：唐代以来，有的诗人不愿意标出能够表示主题的题目时，常用“ 诗的标题。
2．丝方尽：丝，与“思”是谐音字，“丝方尽”意思是除非死了，思念才会结束。
3．泪始干：泪，指燃烧时的蜡烛油，这里取双关义，指相思的眼泪。
4．晓镜：早晨梳妆照镜子；云鬓：女子多而美的头发，这里比喻青春年华。
5．蓬山：蓬莱山，传说中海上仙山，比喻被怀念者住的地方。
6．青鸟：神话中为西王母传递音讯的信使。

赏析：
这是诗人以“无题”为题目的许多诗歌中最有名的一首寄情诗。整首 诗的内容围绕着第一句，尤其是“别亦难”三字展开。“东风”句点了时节，但 更是对人的相思情状的比喻。因情的缠绵悱恻，人就像春末凋谢的春花那样没了 生气。三、四句是相互忠贞不渝、海誓山盟的写照。五、六句则分别描述两人因 不能相见而惆怅、怨虑，倍感清冷以至衰颜的情状。唯一可以盼望的是七、八两 句中的设想：但愿青鸟频频传递相思情。

译文1
聚首多么不易，离别更是难舍难分；
暮春作别，恰似东风力尽百花凋残。
春蚕至死，它才把所有的丝儿吐尽；
红烛自焚殆尽，满腔热泪方才涸干。
清晨对镜晓妆，唯恐如云双鬓改色；
夜阑对月自吟，该会觉得太过凄惨。
蓬莱仙境距离这里，没有多少路程，
殷勤的青鸟信使，多劳您为我探看。

译文2
见面的机会真是难得，分别时也难舍难分，
况且又兼东风将收的暮春天气，百花残谢，
更加使人伤感。 春蚕结茧到死时丝才吐完，
蜡烛要燃完成灰时象泪一样的蜡油才能滴干。
女方早晨妆扮照镜，只担忧丰盛如云的鬓发改变颜色，
青春的容颜消失。男子晚上长吟不寐，
必然感到冷月侵人。
对方的住处就在不远的蓬莱山，却无路可通，
可望而不可即。
希望有青鸟一样的使者殷勤地为我去探看情人，
来往传递消息. 题解就诗而论，

这是一首表示两情至死不渝的爱情诗。然而历来颇多认为或许有人事关系上的隐托。起句两个“难”字，点出了聚首不易，别离更难之情，感情绵邈，语言多姿，落笔非凡。颔联以春蚕绛腊作比，十分精彩，既缠缅沉痛，又坚贞不渝。接着颈联写晓妆对镜，抚鬓自伤，是自计；良夜苦吟，月光披寒，是计人。相劝自我珍重，善加护惜，却又苦情密意，体贴入微，可谓千回百转，神情燕婉。最终末联写希望信使频传佳音，意致婉曲，柳暗花明，真是终境逢生，别有洞天。春蚕两句，千秋佳绝。

无题（其二）
昨夜星辰昨夜风，画楼西畔桂堂东。
身无彩凤双飞翼，心有灵犀一点通。
隔座送钩春酒暖，分曹射覆蜡灯红。
嗟余听鼓应官去，走马兰台类转蓬。

《无题》
序花去余香渺，人归细雨蒙。
画楼春色重，谁笑作倾城。

无题《一》
死生寂寞旧思缘， 春梦缠绵花落寒。
能舞清风挥碧影， 难留旧月照栏杆。
伤心本为痴痴怨， 愁怅何须窃窃瞒？
海誓山盟空相许， 真情尽处亦云烟！

《无题》二
执手还须道珍重， 此情尽处也温柔。
你心你情终易换， 我爱我恨本难求。
昨日尚是无猜引， 今朝已成陌路由。
梦魂如化相思鸟， 日夜悲啼死不休！

《无题》三
谁道相思苦滋味， 谁言恨事本天成！
心坚何惧无情雨， 魂断岂堪憔悴风。
梦里月圆香雾绕， 云端花好紫烟轻。
无缘今世成相许， 或待重逢任死生！

《无题》四
余香往事梦中休， 玉影芳踪难去留。
自古相思一样苦， 从来离散两般愁。
情能深处忧还喜， 恨至多时淡且稠。
独对月明应寂寞， 问卿何处过中秋。

《无题》五
写赋空多子建才， 应知神洛是天仙。
无情花落人争爱， 有意草幽谁弃怜。
书简情深羞不语， 荔枝香尽恨难言。
温柔若假还真日， 莫在别时也问缘！

《无题》六
记否桂花香脉时， 当年笑我是情痴。
诗如笔底相思泪， 泪若心头无语诗。
错把绝情归信误， 漫将失意做新知。
嫦娥未必曾秋水， 柳月何须似画眉。

无题《七》
爱恨朦胧花季间，含情为你似婵娟。
无心妙语偏多解，有意痴言正少缘。
往日闲愁强潇洒，近来新病弱衣冠。
锦书不敢繁青鸟，梦里相期渐渺然。

无题后记*
重逢惜别再见怎无言。云鬓红唇泪眼含。
闲问新情皆婉转，偶提旧事共流连。
桥头问卜谁沾喜？星尽求神自惹怜！
我未成名卿已嫁，今生又是来生缘。

其一
来是空言去绝踪， 月斜楼上五更钟。
梦为远别啼难唤， 书被催成墨未浓。
蜡照半笼金翡翠， 麝薰微度绣芙蓉。
刘郎已恨蓬山远， 更隔蓬山一万重。
其二
飒飒东风细雨来， 芙蓉塘外有轻雷。
金蟾啮锁烧香入， 玉虎牵丝汲井回。
贾氏窥帘韩掾少 ，泌妃留枕魏王才。
相思莫共花争发， 一寸相思一寸灰。

其三
含情春畹晚， 暂见夜阑干。
去见意中人时， 已春深日暮。
楼响将登怯， 帘烘欲过难。
多羞钗上燕， 真愧镜中鸾.
归去横塘晚， 华星送宝鞍。

其四
何处哀筝随急管， 樱花永巷垂杨岸。
东家老女嫁不售， 白日当天三月半，
溧阳公主年十四， 清明暖后同墙看。
归来展转到五更， 梁间燕子闻长叹

无题
作者:【李商隐】 年代：【唐】 体裁：【五古】 类别：【未知】

八岁偷照镜，长眉已能画。
十岁去踏青，芙蓉作裙衩。
十二学弹筝，银甲不曾卸。
十四藏六亲，悬知犹未嫁。
十五泣春风，背面秋千下。

无题二首
作者:【李商隐】 年代：【唐】 体裁：【七律】 类别：【未知】

凤尾香罗薄几重，碧文圆顶夜深缝。
扇裁月魄羞难掩，车走雷声语未通。
曾是寂寥金烬暗，断无消息石榴红。
斑骓只系垂杨岸，何处西南待好风。
重帏深下莫愁堂，卧后清宵细细长。
神女生涯元是梦，小姑居处本无郎。
风波不信菱枝弱，月露谁教桂叶香。
直道相思了无益，未妨惆怅是清狂。

【注释】： 莫愁：泛指少女。典出梁萧衍《河中之水歌》：“河中之水向东流，洛阳女儿名莫愁。”
【简析】： 第一首似写一位女性在怀思所爱。写深夜难眠还在缝制罗帐，回忆起当时偶遇的情景。及写渴望和惆怅的心情，期待着有机缘能再相遇。也可以从男性的角度作拟女方的解释。第二首，写少女醒后细品梦中的情景，必然若失，徒自伤感，并表示为了爱情甘愿受折磨，决心追求幸福。 李商隐的七律无题，艺术上最成熟，最能代表其无题诗的独特艺术风貌。这两首七律无题，内容都是抒写青年女子爱情失意的幽怨，相思无望的苦闷，又都采取女主人公深夜追思往事的方式，因此，女主人公的心理独白就构成了诗的主体。她的身世遭遇和爱情生活中某些具体情事就是通过追思回忆或隐或显地表现出来的。

第一首起联写女主人公深夜缝制罗帐。凤尾香罗，是一种织有凤纹的薄罗；碧文圆顶，指有青碧花纹的圆顶罗帐。李商隐写诗特别讲求暗示，即使是律诗的起联，也往往不愿意写得过于明显直遂，留下一些内容让读者去玩索体味。象这一联，就只写主人公在深夜做什么，而不点破这件事意味着什么，甚至连主人公的性别与身份都不作明确交代。我们通过“凤尾香罗”、“碧文圆顶”的字面和“夜深缝”的行动，可以推知主人公大概是一位幽居独处的闺中女子。罗帐，在古代诗歌中常常被用作男女好合的象征。在寂寥的长夜中默默地缝制罗帐的女主人公，大概正沉浸在对往事的追忆和对会合的深情期待中吧。

接下来是女主人公的一段回忆，内容是她和意中人一次偶然的相遇——“扇裁月魄羞难掩，车走雷声语未通。”对方驱车匆匆走过，自己因为羞涩，用团扇遮面，虽相见而未及通一语。从上下文描写的情况看，这次相遇不象是初次邂逅，而是“断无消息”之前的最后一次照面。否则，不可能有深夜缝制罗帐，期待会合的举动。正因为是最后一次未通言语的相遇，在长期得不到对方音讯的今天回忆往事，就越发感到失去那次机缘的可惜，而那次相遇的情景也就越加清晰而深刻地留在记忆中。所以这一联不只是描绘了女主人公爱情生活中一个难忘的片断，而且曲折地表达了她在追思往事时那种惋惜、怅惘而又深情地加以回味的复杂心理。起联与颔联之间，在情节上有很大的跳跃，最后一次照面之前的许多情事（比如她和对方如何结识、相爱等）统统省略了。 颈联写别后的相思寂寥。和上联通过一个富于戏剧性的片断表现瞬间的情绪不同，这一联却是通过情景交融的艺术手法概括地抒写一个较长时期中的生活和感情，具有更浓郁的抒情气氛和象征暗示色彩。

两句是说，自从那次匆匆相遇之后，对方便绝无音讯。已经有多少次独自伴着逐渐黯淡下去的残灯度过寂寥的不眠之夜，眼下又是石榴花红的季节了。“蜡炬成灰泪始干”，“一寸相思一寸灰”，那黯淡的残灯，不只是渲染了长夜寂寥的气氛，而且它本身就仿佛是女主人公相思无望情绪的外化与象征。石榴花红的季节，春天已经消逝了。在寂寞的期待中，石榴花红给她带来的也许是流光易逝、青春虚度的怅惘与伤感吧？“金烬暗”、“石榴红”，仿佛是不经意地点染景物，却寓含了丰富的感情内涵。把象征暗示的表现手法运用得这样自然精妙，不露痕迹，这确实是艺术上炉火纯青境界的标志。 末联仍旧到深情的期待上来。“斑骓”句暗用乐府《神弦歌·明下童曲》“陆郎乘斑骓……望门不欲归”句意，大概是暗示她日久思念的意中人其实和她相隔并不遥远，也许此刻正系马垂杨岸边呢，只是咫尺天涯，无缘会合罢了。末句化用曹植《七哀》“愿为西南风，长逝入君怀”诗意，希望能有一阵好风，将自己吹送到对方身边。李商隐的优秀的爱情诗，多数是写相思的痛苦与会合的难期的，但即使是无望的爱情，也总是贯串着一种执着不移的追求，一种“春蚕到死丝方尽，蜡炬成灰泪始干”式的真挚而深厚的感情。希望在寂寞中燃烧，我们在这首诗中所感受到的也正是这样一种感情。这是他的优秀爱情诗和那些缺乏深挚感情的艳体诗之间的一个重要区别，也是这些诗尽管在不同程度上带有时代、阶级的烙印，却至今仍然能打动人们的一个重要原因。

比起第一首，第二首更侧重于抒写女主人公的身世遭遇之感，写法也更加概括。一开头就撇开具体情事，从女主人公所处的环境氛围写起。层帷深垂，幽邃的居室笼罩着一片深夜的静寂。独处幽室的女主人公自思身世，辗转不眠，倍感静夜的漫长。这里尽管没有一笔正面抒写女主人公的心理状态，但透过这静寂孤清的环境气氛，我们几乎可以触摸到女主人公的内心世界，感觉到那帷幕深垂的居室中弥漫着一层无名的幽怨。 颔联进而写女主人公对自己爱情遇合的回顾。上句用巫山神女梦遇楚王事，下句用乐府《神弦歌·清溪小姑曲》：“小姑所居，独处无郎。”意思是说，追思往事，在爱情上尽管也象巫山神女那样，有过自己的幻想与追求，但到头来不过是做了一场幻梦而已；直到现在，还正象清溪小姑那样，独处无郎，终身无托。这一联虽然用了两个典故，却几乎让人感觉不到有用典的痕迹，真正达到了驱使故典如同己出的程度。特别是它虽然写得非常概括，却并不抽象，因为这两个典故各自所包含的神话传说本身就能引起读者的丰富想象与联想。两句中的“原”字、“本”字，颇见用意。前者暗示她在爱情上不仅有过追求，而且也曾有过短暂的遇合，但终究成了一场幻梦，所以说“原是梦”；后者则似乎暗示：尽管迄今仍然独居无郎，无所依托，但人们则对她颇有议论，所以说“本无郎”，其中似含有某种自我辩解的意味。不过，上面所说的这两层意思，都写得隐约不露，不细心揣摩体味是不容易发现的。 颈联从不幸的爱情经历转到不幸的身世遭遇。这一联用了两个比喻：说自己就象柔弱的菱枝，却偏遭风波的摧折；又象具有芬芳美质的桂叶，却无月露滋润使之飘香。

这一联含意比较隐晦，似乎是暗示女主人公在生活中一方面受到恶势力的摧残，另一方面又得不到应有的同情与帮助。“不信”，是明知菱枝为弱质而偏加摧折，见“风波”之横暴；“谁教”，是本可滋润桂叶而竟不如此，见“月露”之无情。措辞婉转，而意极沉痛。 爱情遇合既同梦幻，身世遭逢又如此不幸，但女主人公并没有放弃爱情上的追求——“直道相思了无益，未妨惆怅是清狂。”即便相思全然无益，也不妨抱痴情而惆怅终身。在近乎幻灭的情况下仍然坚持不渝的追求，“相思”的铭心刻骨更是可想而知了。 中唐以来，以爱情、艳情为题材的诗歌逐渐增多。这类作品在共同特点是叙事的成份比较多，情节性比较强，人物、场景的描绘相当细致。李商隐的爱情诗却以抒情为主体，着力抒写主人公的主观感觉、心理活动，表现她（他）们丰富复杂的内心世界。而为了加强抒情的形象性、生动性，又往往要在诗中织入某些情节的片断，在抒情中融入一定的叙事成分。这就使诗的内容密度大大增加，形成短小的体制与丰富的内容之间的矛盾。为了克服这一矛盾，他不得不大大加强诗句之间的跳跃性，并且借助比喻、象征、联想等多种手法来加强诗的暗示性。这是他的爱情诗意脉不很明显、比较难读的一个重要原因。但也正因为这样，他的爱情诗往往具有蕴藉含蓄、意境深远、写情细腻的特点和优点，经得起反复咀嚼与玩索。

无题诗究竟有没有寄托，是一个复杂的问题。离开诗歌艺术形象的整体，抓住其中的片言只语，附会现实生活的某些具体人事，进行索隐猜谜式的解释，是完全违反艺术创作规律的。象冯浩那样，将“凤尾”首中的“垂杨岸”解为“寓柳姓”（指诗人的幕主柳仲郢），将“西南”解为“蜀地”，从而把这两首诗说成是诗人“将赴东川，往别令狐，留宿，而有悲歌之作”，就是穿凿附会的典型。但这并不妨碍我们从诗歌形象的整体出发，联系诗人的身世遭遇和其他作品，区别不同情况，对其中的某些无题诗作这方面的探讨。就这两首无题诗看，“重帏”首着重写女主人公如梦似幻，无所依托，横遭摧折的凄苦身世，笔意空灵概括，意在言外，其中就可能寓含或渗透作者自己的身世之感。熟悉作者身世的读者不难从“神女”一联中体味出诗人在回顾往事时深慨辗转相依、终归空无的无限怅惘。“风波”一联，如单纯写女子遭际，显得不着边际；而从比兴寄托角度理解，反而易于意会。作者地位寒微，“内无强近，外乏因依”（《祭徐氏姊文》），仕途上不仅未遇有力援助，反遭朋党势力摧抑，故借菱枝遭风波摧折，桂叶无月露滋润致慨。他在一首托宫怨以寄慨的《深宫》诗中说：“狂飚不惜萝阴薄，清露偏知桂叶浓”，取譬与“风波”二句相似（不过“清露”句与“月露”句托意正相反而已），也可证“风波”二句确有寄托。何焯说这首无题“直露（自伤不遇）本意”，是比较符合实际的。和“重帏”首相比，“凤尾”首的寄托痕迹就很不明显，因为诗中对女主人公爱情生活中的某些具体情事描绘得相当细致（如“扇裁月魄”一联），写实的特点比较突出。但不论这两首无题诗有无寄托，它们都首先是成功的爱情诗。即使我们完全把它们作为爱情诗来读，也并不减低其艺术价值。

无题二首
作者:【李商隐】 年代：【唐】 体裁：【七律】 类别：【未知】
来是空言去绝踪，月斜楼上五更钟。
梦为远别啼难唤，书被催成墨未浓。
蜡照半笼金翡翠，麝薰微度绣芙蓉。
刘郎已恨蓬山远，更隔蓬山一万重。
飒飒东风细雨来，芙蓉塘外有轻雷。
金蟾啮锁烧香入，玉虎牵丝汲井回。
贾氏窥帘韩掾少，宓妃留枕魏王才。
春心莫共花争发，一寸相思一寸灰。

【注释】： 刘郎，相传东汉明帝永平五年刘晨、阮肇入山采药，迷不得出，遇二女子，邀至家留居半年才还，后人以此典喻艳遇。蓬山，即蓬莱山，泛指仙境。韩寿，晋人，司空贾充的僚属，充每在家聚会，贾女从窗格中偷窥，见其貌美而爱之，与私通，充发觉后乃以妻寿。宓妃留枕：曹植《洛神赋·序》：“黄初三年，作朝京师，还济洛川。古人有言，斯水之神，名曰宓妃。感宋玉对楚王神女之事，遂作斯赋。”植过洛水时，忽见一女子来，赠所用枕。宓妃，传说中伏羲氏之女。

【简析】： 第一首是情诗，写与情人别离后的思念。始从觉醒的甜梦中醒来觉得怅然若失，回忆起梦中依依惜别的情景，又匆忙地写信给她。从借用刘郎的典故，显见今后要再会是几乎不可能了。第二首也是情诗，但比较隐晦、深沉而痛苦，结尾二句为千古佳句，引人共鸣。

无题
作者:【李商隐】 年代：【唐】 体裁：【七律】 类别：【未知】
昨夜星辰昨夜风，画楼西畔桂堂东。
身无彩凤双飞翼，心有灵犀一点通。
隔座送钩春酒暖，分曹射覆蜡灯红。
嗟余听鼓应官去，走马兰台类转蓬。

【注解】： 1、画楼、桂堂：都是比喻富贵人家的屋舍。 2、灵犀：旧说犀牛有神异，角中有白纹如线，直通两头。 3、送钩：也称藏钩。古代腊日的一种游戏，分二曹以较胜负。把钩互相传送后，藏于一人手中，令人猜。 4、分曹：分组。 5、射覆：在覆器下放着东西令人猜。分曹、射覆未必是实指，只是借喻宴会时的热闹。 6、鼓：指更鼓。 7、应官：犹上班。 8、兰台：即秘书省，掌管图书秘籍。李商隐曾任秘书省正字。这句从字面看，是参加宴会后，随即骑马到兰台，类似蓬草之飞转，实则也隐含自伤飘零意。

【韵译】： 昨夜星光灿烂，夜半却有习习凉风； 我们酒筵设在画楼西畔、桂堂之东。 身上无彩凤的双翼，不能比翼齐飞； 内心却象灵犀一样，感情息息相通。 互相猜钩嬉戏，隔座对饮春酒暖心； 分组来行酒令，决一胜负烛光泛红。 可叹呵，听到五更鼓应该上朝点卯； 策马赶到兰台，象随风飘转的蓬蒿。

【评析】： 所谓“无题”诗，历来有不同看法：有人认为应属于寓言，有人认为都是赋本事 的。就李商隐的“无题”诗来看，似乎都是属于写艳情的，实有所指，只是不便说出 而巳。 此诗是追忆所遇见的艳情场景。先写筵会时地；接着写形体相隔，人情相通；再 写相遇的情意绵绵；最后写别后离恨。艳丽而不猥亵，情真而不痴癫。

【注释】： 送钩，古代宴会中的一种游戏，把钩在暗中传递，让人猜在谁手中，猜不中就罚酒。射覆，古代的一种游戏，在器皿下覆盖东西让人猜。兰台，即秘书省，掌管图书秘籍，时李商隐任秘书省正字。

无题二首
作者:【李商隐】 年代：【唐】 体裁：【七律】 类别：【未知】
（其一）
何处哀筝随急管， 樱花永巷垂杨岸。
东家老女嫁不售， 白日当天三月半。
溧阳公主年十四， 清明暖后同墙看。
归来展转到五更， 梁间燕子闻长叹。
王十二兄与畏之员外相访，见招小饮，
时予以悼亡日近， 不去，因寄。

（其二）
谢傅门庭旧末行， 今朝歌管属檀郎。
更无人处帘垂地， 欲拂尘时簟竟床。
嵇氏幼男犹可悯， 左家娇女岂能望？
愁霖腹疾俱难遣， 万里西风夜正长。

My cup overflows.

The Lord is my sheperd,

I shall not be in want,

He makes my lie down in green pastures,

He leads my beside quiet water,

He restores my soul,

He guides me in the path of righteousness,

For His name sake.



Even though I walk through the valley of shadow of death,

I shall fear no evil,

For You are with me,

Your rod and Your staff,

They comfort me.



You prepare a table before me,

In the presence of my enemy,

You anoints my head with oil,

My cup overflows.



Surely goodness and love will follow me,

All the days of my life.

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.



Amen.



______________________________________________________________



Psalms 23. I learned this by heart for the last youth camp but kinda forgotten a lil bit of it. But there's no better Psalm that can describe my grateful heart to the Lord. Everything that is said in Psalm 23, He did them all in my life.



He gives me rest, restore my inner being, Amen.



blessed,
va

one

Hmm...don't mind me if I ask. to my dear readers. what is you name? how'd you know it's your name in the first place? If everyone call you something esle than that does that become your name too? Or you can simply pick a word to become you name, maybe you can even pick something which is not a word to be your name? Like a painting for instance. What if you name is not your name? I don't think I'm wrong to say that one's individuality does not directly connect to one's name, or can even be absolutely a different matter than a name. Surely someone can live without a name. or with too many names.

What if...this is not me writting at all? Or it's not my words that I am speaking. maybe it's not even my own story that I am telling..or these thoughts are just too random. Wait...if there is really so little to be contained in a name, anyone at all can be of a different identity. a different name. in a different circumstance. a different environment. A sense of liberation. I am to be who I want to be.

There's nothing impressive to find out that one can be anything one thinks he is or what he wants to be once you know that the best thing that I can be is to be myself. in this moment, this place, in this name and this very protection.


-va-

.appreciating sunshine.

this must be the first time i see beauty in the sunshine. or was it you...came knocking on my door last night..such pleasant surprise. it made failure doesn't feel as bad..and mistakes, doesn't bring in regrets. and so I drove, at first cautiously, such difficult beginning, just like us. such harsh beginning. then the smooth sailing, as if moved by the wind, a small ship that swims, my hands on the wheels when the sun shines in.

there was a sweet song, coming through the radio. singing of u. or was that just me, thinking about you. they say all will be better when there is no more expectations. i guess they were right. we had a great time. of light laugher and cheerful night. it was then when i finally arrived, still not wanting to part from the familiar voice. walking into the house i appreciated the sunshine. the living room was warmth and bright. each step showering with the sun light.

every door i open, clean and light. as if i was floating on sweet soft clouds, sink into my eyes. was it the tireness, i embrace, the scent of my room and the sound of the water. everywhere is bright, gentle sweet sunlight. i thought of you. of poesy and of my previous days. the place, the space and the time. no...i didn't expect, so the beauty stays. this warmth friendliness.

could i ever dance or sing or just glance in the sunshine. like good old friends from the past. I appreciate my past, my memories, and above all, i appreciate the sunshine. He made the sunshine. and you made the smile. all alike.


-white girl-

.once in a blue moon.

it's been a quite awhile since the last time it poured like just now...the time between afternoon and the evening. i think it is one of the beautiful time of day, the time between afternoon and the evening. probably because it rained. and it was the rain that made the sky grey...not the painful grey. just grey. and if it hadn't rain like then, the moon tonight would not be so clear in view either. clear, to say that we can see that the curved star is hanging low, though it remained covered, like in a soft white veil. a fine and thin veil.

and though the way home i just couldn't help looking out to see, a rather cool night. a li'l chilly though not enough to cause any annoyance in discomfort. i couldn't care less about this weather out there, it made no matter to me. just as in many ways, a lot of things made no matter to me. and me to them. there's probably a drop of dew forming on a leaf somewhere. no matter. just as there is probably a drop of tear forming somewhere. and so it did not matter either. so none is so uncommon to be not negligible.

didn't it all not matter? yes, none is so uncommon, drops of dew and defined details of life, time, growth and everything within its realm. every second of moments and tick of time, does everything not move or change or grow or shrink or live or die or evolve or be different than the circumstance of the last second? doesn't the frequency of its changes, random or not, been so much of a habit that it is not uncommon enough to be noticed. to comment that these are too little to be taken into thoughts is not too arrogant of me to be spoken of.

but didn't all these details made up the picture? the dewdrops and the sorrow so shallow to be noticed of, the slight dimness in the colour of the sky and remaining visual of fast moving objects and the beam of street lights and the tiny silhoutte of the sitting in the balcony. i guess somehow they must've been collected in such quiet way that when it has been put together all these bits made up the colours and emotions and temperature and feeling, the gentleness the wind and the lights and the lightness of the burdens of emotions.

just as much were there to be noticed, most haven't seen it. and much were there to be thought of, most chose not to. in life, it has enough to be too much to absorb and our limitations only allows us to take into account a part of everything. shall many choose the beauty of others, shall few choose its details. shall we ignore the details and shall you overview. me. shall we cherish the beauty and shall this moment be remembered. as it is. once in a blue moon.


-va-

A detour into memories

I would not have address myself as romantic until someone reminded me of that earlier. I hate the cliche-ness in the word. But what then form the beauty in romanticizing about the past, the beauty and the memories.. If anything of the present time is folly and mortal, then am I wrong to think that the past would be exempted from time? It has passed time, thus immobile and eternal. History could not be changed, time made present temporary but he was not aware that he accidentally made the past eternal. careless, careless time.

It was probably after I start driving Pam home from Yan's when I accidentally ventured into the past again. Was it that time tried to punish me for the insulting remark, or was it mere accidental that I crossed over just as I always wished I can re-live those moments. Indolence and freedom. Warmth and emotions. Distance and the air. Night and the sweet touch of the wind from the nearby but out of sight dark sea. Lights that sparkled in distance and my immature side-parking skills.

I drove with the person that remained through the time and we did the things we would have done just as if we were in those days. They reconciled. Just like they did loved and the lights of their innocent hopes that they love and always will love. Through the ways and routes and streets and road, all of which we would travel, with voices and silences and soft music playing, just as they always could. The good-byes and good nights and the serenity of sisterhood.

I drove on the way just as I would, the way home, both old and new. And so at the junction I made an impulsive move, my driving skills instantly inadequate again and my nerves as young and anxious as I would be. pass the flyover overlooking the highways and lights and cars and my last night of independence days. Down and turned at the place which I once walked and drove and not noticed of and I parked my car at the space which the old me would consider good, with skills just as bad as I once had. I could not help smiling, though I did not know I've ventured through time, I thought it was too good, too close, too warm, to be true.

I walked in the street, dark and somewhat creepy, passed the guards all of whom seem somewhat sleepy. And so I walked and down near the pool and to the place where I would walk home through. My pace were light and soon turned slow, from the cheerfulness of a girl to the gentle press on the walkway. There it is, as it always had been, where I would look at from 5 floors above. Through that curtains which i would wonder and there came my words and mt thoughts. I looked briefly at the places it had been, my emotion, my inspiration, my idle days. A slight glimpse of disappoinment, could I have expected?

Then off home my feet steps, by the poolside and out again, into the streets and soon in my car and in a way I would drive, as my brother said, a naughty driver I am, off on the road I headed home. The old metal piece which swims, under the flickering lights like those shimmer in the streams. As I had not notice the way in, I ventured out in a way unnoticed. The turns and the curves, driving all alone, I finally got home.

I guess in this post you would not see a clear shadow of him, it is more of my detour than his. But I still somehow missed, the pieces and bits, those nights and my silly dreams.


-va-

the real deal

a primary school mate added me in Friendster. no, nothing special. its normal that i failed to recognise her. i am never good with names and looks, esp new looks. it was exceptionally hard for me when i got transferred into a girl school in high school. everyone seems to have the same face and the same names. and for your information, it was a controlled school meaning girls with short hair, uniform and 60% of them wear glasses 'cause they had to handicap their eyes to get in.

back to my point, it was kinda hard, considering people love to use cutie names and some editted the photo so much their dog barks at it 'cause the dog have no idea that's its master/mistress. hmm...don't take it as an insult, 'cause it's not. i do agree that it is their right and of course if they desire to do so editting to flatter themselves is totally to their own interest and people like me, meaning not-so-beautiful people, have absolutely no stand in criticizing them. those oh-i'm-so-hot-i'm-sizzling photos, go ahead. go get 'em gurl~! mm..*cough*

at least it's better than getting a plastic surgery right? those computer effects, goodness, they can make you look like you just got a nose job and make ur skin look shades fairer. "Computer, computer, on my desk, who's the fairest of them all?" cute. and i know i totally have no right whatsoever to judge those who pop their eyes, pump those lips in the photos. yea yea, those peace sign and shhh...signs. hmm...its fine with me really. *choke on my own saliva*

well. err, i guess if people can't afford real jewellery they can, erm, you know, stick a crown thingy from the clip-arts and put it in their pics. who can blame those people, come'on. diamonds are a girl's best friend, ain't it? even those computer, erm, pixelize ones. Oh yea, and those blinking lights and Japanese words that no one in their friendlist understand, they're totally cool to me. honestly. it's an...an...erm...a culture exchange thingy, isn't it?

Oh and honestly if one looks so bad, or you simply have self esteem so low you can't bear looking at your own photo or to share it with the rest of the world, you can simply google-image one of those famous hotties/honeys/hunks photo and put it in your profile instead. No worries man, we understand. we gotcha back.

nuff said. XD



-va-

i've been here.

looking back into this year make my future seems unclear. all along, i have been here. with all the words and the lil' pictures, everything around me changes. but i have just stayed here. and in the morning i will wake up and to see that the sun still shines and the day is so clear, with a lil' wind and a lil' noise from the fountain next door. and i, i choose to stay here.

if ever i knew anyone my words would make all the difference, i...would i choose it to be so? or is this the best my words can make out of me. through these years we say we all learned and the process and the steps and gained something dear, but haven't we all stayed in the same place. Reciting the same conversations, replaying the same roles. or is it just i, i who stayed here...

As the seasons are made for change, our livestimes are made for years, could i, can i choose my way to stay here, as i am, content with everything that i have. do i..am i...will i be just as contended. with people leaving and ever changing. what am i doing staying here. waiting..simply waiting just for the moment. to feel and finally have the guts to leave here.

da da da...and who so will bring me away from here..or i, i would leave here alone.


-va-
simply crappin'

=) hows life

"Life is unpredictable...Short...full of excitement but it is very sensitive and vulnerable ..wont last long ...life never work in counter clockwise...all in all life is too much to describe and define."

"Life is beautiful, even when it's sad...can be fast n peaceful in the same time. It can work counter clockwise if only u wanna make it happen..life is too much to take if you take it alone."

Life is pretty much different for everyone. But in every passing persons, you see shadows of life. There's always a structure in every lives. Of the beginning, the growth, the confusion, the breakdowns and the resurrection. of the time, the space and the end.

Life is temporariness. Life is permanent. Everything will come and go before your mind can register. Yet how could my mind remember those that went so fast I could not register. life is detailed and yes, i agree, vulnerable. breakeble. Life is protective. Though some are not protective enough to keep you from hurting but life does not allow you to be tortured for eternity. Is that why it is so short and so lenghthy in the same time?

Life is the air, the wind, the water and the nature. with the footsteps on the sand and the writings in the journals. Life is forgettable. now, forget me.


-va-

Dangerous thoughts

It is indeed a dangerous thing to let a youngster sit there, doing nothing and let his/her thoughts run wild. Just as I did. Idleness. It was so probably the meal from KFC that triggered my long asleep thoughts. How watery the whipped potato had become that reminds me of my college mates. We complaint about everything. Yes, literally everything.

Well, what else do you expect of law students? Our lecturer said we are aware of our rights and so we make noises and stuff. Sometimes I do think it is plain the joy of making other people's life miserable. Or to view it from a consumer's point of view, we are trying to make sure they keep up the standards.

And so all these suddenly reminds me of my mom's client who complainted to her that there's a sucker lawyer in Weld Quay (pronounced as W-ell k-EE). And how when my mom's client went to ask for some paperwork 'cause he changed his mind about hiring that lawyer to represent him in a real estate case, the lawyer's clerk refused to give it to him so easily. And so he said the lawyer sucks. And my brain suddenly reminded me how grateful should that lawyer be to his clerk. 'Cause if the clerk gave in right away, mom's client would be "Even the clerk sucks, can't even protect his/her boss now, can he/she?"

So that was till I realize I am insulting a potential profession of mine and then it hit me that all of the professions nowadays are being to put blame for the nature of human mistakes. How we as beings are helpless in making mistakes and how we can't help but repeating it after we just recover from the last one.

And soon, how great n wonderful that we always get the forgiveness if we can humble down and ask for it. How it is given in such grace. No matter how bad we still feel inside, we know that that someone had already take us back again, washed our wounds and we will soon be living the life afresh. ready for another challege knowing we would never fall from the same mistake again.


-va-

Departed

Departing from my used-to-be comfort zone. Where I used to live, a cocoon of dreams and thoughts, of wishes and empty hopes. The beauty of inexistent reality, the only thing that is permanant seems to be the changes...thoughts forever evovling just like rolling a snowball. Letting the new thoughts covering the old thoughts. More thoughts. Fantasy. A snowball of fantasy.

I still miss those days where I dreams off into the drunkenness and think thoughts. Ignorant of the reality is never close to dreams. I prefered the my mind's work of art than the paintings of this world. Smiling to my own works. How wonderfully stupid. Gone are those days. Seeing things I shouldn't see, hearing words shouldn't be said and so much growing up to do. I could not stay young, time did not stop, people couldn't help changing, this world refused to slow down.

Tired...so tired of the pace... oh it started again.. the twirling of earth. I'm just so worn out, by the late nights and being exile in a crowd. Nobody knew me. We never shared the same shoes. We did not shared the same air. Were we even present in the same space? They did not know me...me and my burdens. Me and my drunkenness. Me and the inner pain. Abnormal of me to cherish the pain. I cherish my pains.

Inability of dreaming anymore, a forced soberness and the compelling departure. I left. Killed myself. Witness my own death. The ending and the beginning. Here I am again. In this place, just as much a stranger as any other stranger to this town. With a lil backpack of clothes, my cellphone, a mp3 player, this laptop and another bunch of 1st times. I heard it is warm in the day and cool in the nights. Did my silent departure awaken your pain...no..no more wishes. I know it didn't. My relief, my pain...

I'm here but I'm not back. I'm eva but I'm not me. I'm the pain but it doesn't hurt anymore. I'm bitterness but no more envious. I'm beauty but I'm not gorgeous. I am dead but I took my breathe back. Who am I? No new name, none new identity, neither a new location or a strange town. I am me, but what makes me me? All I know is I left and but here I am.

My departure. Cherish my pain.




departed
-va-