I am nuts. If you guys haven't notice it by now, you are probably as dumb as a rock. Someone commented about Jessica Simpson, "Who cares if you are a dumb as a stone if u have those breasts." Indeed. But you don't. So you are probably as dumb as a rock and people should point and laugh at you.
Isn't it true, that we came into this world alone and we are to walk alone and to finish it alone? After all, from whatever I've been through in these 19 long years, I have been alone anyway. No matter how many people would say "I've got your back." None of them have me all the time. No matter how sincere people are when they promise they would do their best to sustain a relationship, it never lasts. People still come and go. They still get new best buddies and treat you like any other normal acquaintances in the end.
Amazing isn't it, when we fall, we have to stand up by ourselves. No doubt there might be some good Samaritans who decide to give you a hand, the main strength that heave us up is still our own. No matter how many friends you have around you, it is still you who define your existence. Even though there must be thousands of great scientist running around, no one could ever understand your mind, thoughts and perspective so completely. However lost we might feel, the people around us are more confused about ourselves. Choices are made by the self, maybe encouraged by the others, but there is no one else to blame when mistakes happen, or when regret comes into view. Isn't it so? That we are alone anyway.
What happens when faith collides with your better sense of judgement? Is this a chance of breaking free or another temptation that is set up to trap the lost? Who would speak forth and take over the wheels and turn it around? Are we not alone?! Are we not alone! Are we not meant to be alone?!
Speak to me in the light of the dawn, mercy comes with the morning. I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me!
Listen to the song playing with this blog. I... will walk on water, and you will catch me if I fall. Haven't I be just as lost? How long have I been in the storm, overwhelmed by the ocean and waves crashing over my head? He sings, if I could just see you, everything will be alright. I am lost, confused and very much overwhelmed. Silenced by the noise around me. He hath not bring me out to drown but still I feel like I am ten feet under and upside down. When barely surviving becomes a purpose, I know things might not go right.
What a peculiar line that follows. I will walk on water, and you will catch me if I fall. I wonder if I would walk on water, have I have the faith of Peter to walk on the lake heading to Jesus? And if I do, will I fall? How could this be? That I am so unsure about myself, he sings "You will catch me if I fall..." how could this be? I am sure You will. The only thing I am so sure. You have did that a thousand times. No matter how deep how messy, you will catch me if I fall.
You have been with me every step of my life. Though I may not know of your presence. Side by side you have walked me through. If I could just see you, everything will be alright. I will get lost in your eyes and know everything will be alright. A love so different from others, so much plainer yet deep. If I could just see you... this darkness will turn to light.
I will walk on water, you will catch me if I fall. We will walk on together.
1. Don't drive over 60km/h, it saves fuel and your money too.
2. Go dig in your closet, someone's trash maybe other's treasure. Maybe you'll find some old treasure yourself.
3. Switch to everything e, emails, e-shopping, e-newspaper, e-banking. Save paper. Save the world.
4. Start recycling cans and bottles, metal are getting expensive, maybe you can make an extra dime from it.
5. Kill the plastic bags. Bring a big spacey hand bag and throw a chick shopping bag in your car.
6. Go vegetarian, eat food from lower food chain. It saves the resources and some fat on your thigh, belly and butt.
7. Keep the old paper bags. Whatever they are for.
8. Don't make up if you don't have to, it's a waste of time, resource, water, tissue and it ruins your skin which leads you to using more make-ups and more waste. Trust me, nobody will look pretty when earth is simply ugly.
9. Trust in God, He puts you in position to take care of his creations. Exercise your authorities now.
10. Read my blog, it's more interesting than crappy magazines and save paper.
11. Forget to bring tissue out once in a while, you might not need them anyway.
12. Scoff at people who are killing the environment, they might be ashamed for once.
13. Skip the receipt, you're just gonna throw it away anyway.
14. Hug a tree, just because you can.
15. Don't wrap your books with plastic sheets, they are bound to get yellowish and fall apart anyway. Just do your part to keep it clean.
16. Recycle those batteries, old computers and electronics. It matters.
17. Plant a tree, or a plant. Put it in your toilet, mine cheers me up in the morning.
18. Turn down that air-con, it's about time we acknowledge that we live in a tropical country and no air-cons can cool this place down.
19. Make your home comfy, so you won't have a reason to go all the way out for a good environment and use up some fuel and cough up for pricey coffee.
I want to be an artist. One who writes, sings, dances, paints, acts, sketches, recites, makes music, reads and one whom art appreciates. Yes, an artist whom art itself appreciates. It must have been the songs and movies and blogs and books. I am a vessel, half empty and half full. Half fool and half wise. Half fact and half fiction. Found but partially lost. Bright at times but invisible too. Hallusinative. I think I am a song, a movie and a book too.
A tear, a smile, a cry and laughter, tell me, what are you?
Dearest readers, so sorry for not updating this blog. It must be real bad to let you guys see the same page every time you click on this link. Well, I've been kind of busy. Since now I have to work 9-6 everyday - well, almost, and still hanging strong to my usual activities. Then, of course, Aunty Phaik came to visit, 10 days...it's one of her shortest trip back here. I'm missing my cousins so badly now...
It was really nice and warm and enjoyable and homey to have the house crowded with people, plus a baby running around shouting "BON!" at every Chinese he sees. I'm so in love with these guys that I have to dedicate this post to writing about my relatives.
We have been having meals together and spending so much time together that the house seems so empty. I just love having them around. I miss the noise, the shopping, staying up till late at night, watching loads of good movies, laughing our heads off, chatting in the kitchen, eating non-stop, dancing like crazy people with Emily, talking about movies, wars, guns and stuff with Shauny and bargaining like a tigeress scaring everybody. AND flying the young and crazy around in mummy's RAV.
Aunty Phaik Ying is so sweet and nice that I don't really mind sacrificing my room for them and we're not really so uneasy around Uncle Mark now that we have all grown up and have less problems forming a proper English sentence. Seeing them almost felt like taking English exams when we were small. It was great fun having Emily around, we get to shop almost everyday and I get off days to go out with Aunty and family. It's so different from the last time they came back. Shaun definitely had grown quite a bit. And I just have to admit that he has good taste on movies! I really enjoyed his company for the whole 10 days. Andrew was a darling. Still as adorable when we first met, such a sweet smile he has. Ethan is a really cool baby. Even though he called me Bon for the first 9 days. Can't help missing him 'cause he called me "VA!" before we left for the airport.
It was really funny because by the end of the holiday everybody just can't stand Ethan calling everyone "BON", Bonnie, Gemmie and Shaun just grabbed hold of the baby and start pointing and me and keep telling Ethan "say Va" "baby, say Va." "Va.." "Va." Just when Shaun finally gave in and baby start walking off, baby mumbled..."Va." *ROAR OF LAUGHTER*. What a cool baby.
I love you guys. Oh man. Missing my cousies so badly... Wuah~~~
Thanks for all your comments, all my dearest readers. It's wonderful to know that people actually click into my life, part of my hidden life, one that most of my family and closest friends don't click into. Regrets, i read it from the last comment. Anonymous said he/she has some regrets. I have too.
Just about a couple of hours ago, I bought this green long sleeves knitted top off the internet, it's my first internet purchase, and man I am so glad. A nice nice nice top. It went out of stock once and almost killed me. Right after I made my payment I saw the red one, same top, and it's oh-SO-NICE too. Then I start thinking would I look better in green or red and I just couldn't push myself to make the choice. Red is gonna look so fresh and young and all those. Then again, if the shirt is not of good quality red will make it look cheap and make me look fat. The things just keep popping in my head like soft-lived soap bubbles.
I still insist it is not a regret, I convinced myself I made a right choice simply because I paid for it and there's nothing I can do to change it. It's not a one timer in my life to have moments like this, for instance, I bought this nice ring from the flea market and saw another nicer one when I turned a corner, I ordered some ordinary drink and my fren sat down after me and ordered a really chic and tasty one. I'm a typical undecisive person and it drives me crazy, this junction to turn or the next, this safe looking black top or that hot risky sleeveless. The truth is, I have no idea what I want! Dad asked me if I want those Maybellin New York Eye Shadow and I said NO! What am I? He's my dad and I'm too shy to say yes?!
Regrets can flood and consume a person if only you allow it. That the power of the freedom of choice. Yes I did loads of stupid stuff today, if I am to count them one by one I think I would go nuts by the next hour, I bet there must be tonnes of people doing the same thing, beating himself up for missing the chance of asking his dreamgirl out or sulking because she missed the last sales in the mall. Man. Regrets, no matter small or big they just seem to be capable of swallowing us whole. I hate the fact that my grandma died without knowing Christ and how I missed out so many good meetings and services in church when other people are there to tap into the blessings.
All I know is what has been done is done. When we are to give an account of our actions, the stupid senseless stuffs we did have to be explained, no matter how much I regretted it. All I can do now is just minimize the stupid things in my list. I have to move on, the world won't stop and wait because Eva is regretting choosing green over red. God didn't strike down sinners in our time, He has the grace to let them live and turn back to Christ. He would have flood the earth, kill the first born and rain burning sulfur balls if we were in the older days. He has the grace for all my stupid actions as long as I ask for His mercy and repent. He is doing the same for everyone. Regretting something is as if you are telling God my standards are higher than Yours, even though you forgive me, my standards don't allow me to forgive myself.
NO! It doesn't work that way, when God say let go, we let go. The voice that tells you to hang on to the past is false. Let go, Jesus said "It is done." So it is. Let go. You are free to live your tomorrows.
I sat in the hospital ward, looking at the things around me, the smell of medicines and chemicals makes my stomach surged in disagreement with its surrounding. I stole a feel looks at him and tried to think of something to say, a topic to converse. He looked grumpy, now more then seventy years old, all he intended was a check-up and they detained him in this foul place for two long days. The bed was too small and too high, old and soft that he said he slump into it. His bloated tummy and weak legs didn't help in this case.
He looked at the old ladies in the opposite ward, they are older than him, so old that they sat in wheel chairs and have problems raising spoons to their mouth. Then he said to me, "It's no good for a man to live that long you know, there are just more troubles," I did not know what to say, mum just told me that the doctor said he have a couple of dark spots in his liver yesterday but forbid me to tell him because he might not be able to accept it in these circumstances. "Look that those old ladies their, they can barely walk, I don't think I wanna suffer like that." I just told him in my mother tongue, "Grandpa, don't think so much, you're just here for a check-up. We just want some assurance that you are fine. That's all. I'm sure you are."
He was discharged the next day, but all of us can see that he detests all the things in the hospital, maybe even himself. Seeing him hating the fact that he is old and sick. I didn't even notice that he had one part of his middle finger cut away, Yvonne said it was an accident when he was a carpenter long time ago. His right foot was swollen the last time I saw him at home. He is much slower now, his temper better than when he was young but not at all good. I didn't get to send him home, mum sent me to the office to sort out some paper works after we had lunch the day he was discharged.
That's my grandfather. He attempted to take his own life yesterday, not wanting to live another moment suffering. He is not the young hot-blooded man anymore, mum said he's afraid of suffering. He took all the medicine that the doctor prescribe for two weeks in one night. They sent him to the hospital after that. He is alright, the doctor said that those medicine are mainly painkillers. They made him drowsy, he could not even walk on the way home.
He does not know the truth. What's the truth about living anyway? We live, the moment when we're alive we cries our heart out, we must have known we're in for some pretty bad falls, sickness, pain, heartache, heartbreaks, some failure, a lot of fear and some abandons by the people we love. Those who realize it, we live, those who did not died, those are the babies who doesn't cry at the moment of birth. We all have our fair share of those that we don't want. Some face it with a brave spirit, some simply ignore them, some go in fear and struggle, others, in peace.
Who are we to decide in what way we are gonna face it. After all, we are just human. Weak and mild, fearful and cowardly, impulsive and agressive, helpless and lost. Who are we to decide what courage we can muster, what faith we can live on. I asked for peace, God gave me love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. I am weak but I have a shelter like no other. Everyday I would look out my window, see the world outside of me. They who don't have God, live in fear, confusion, troubled by their past, troubled by their lack of self control, regret in their lack of kindness to others only when they need kindness, hunger for gentleness in a situation of hostility. What they look for, they could not find.
My God, is big, so good, and mighty. But in these moments I can just sob to Him. "God, have mercy on them! Bring them life, don't You see that they are suffering without You. Everyday of their life, every step of their way, they take it in confusion. Father, have mercy on them." He said, "They have to ask. For Me."