Just human

Some people have there great discovery about life way early and lost the enthusiasm for it and some never found the purpose why they exist. So what's the whole big deal about finding the purpose then. We're just mere human anyways.

Human who gets hurt, hype, happy, depressed, carefree, distressed, sound, insane... The thing is, it all comes down to a point. We just want to be loved, encouraged and appreciated. Bottomline is just acceptance. Mere human. We are that simple.

Quote: Life is like a conversation, it's crazy if you do it alone.

-Eva-

视而不见

I had learned to grow blind on things around me. Things I should not see. Like how he is making a dump and pulling her in. And how best friends are turning strange. And how that little girl is getting neglected. Probably that lady who is worried about her son too. And the people and things around you that drives you to think how foolish people live to be.

Why is he digging deep? Knowing these are plainly out of his selfish desires. Indeed no one can in anyway budge into his personal matters. And she is just running along with him. If Jane Austen is alive she would probably write about them in such ways as an example of social norm. A man with more flesh than brains, very much lack of good will and honorable intentions; and the woman foolish, with no indications in anyway whatsoever to protect her virtues, chastity and good name.

Nonetheless, ignorant and foolishness cannot be compared to cruelty and rudeness. With so much beautiful things being said, nothing is forever, isn't it true? Just as long as it disappears in a sweeter way, nothing can be of harm. Only people - the ladies especially, with no offence to my own gender - seems to have problems maintaining healthy lasting relationships. Rumours tends to come in between, and what more about womenly instinct which most of the time only happens to be inpractical assumption and in more unpleasant word, I would call it insultations. However, I am in no place to judge other's behaviour, who am I anyway? Just an incy wincy blogger who has just a little too much to say.

Oh and that young lady, yes... She is just so small. Not very well practiced in the ways of the world neither intelligent nor blooming in confidence. No one probably has told her how beautiful she is as herself and how wonderful a person she can be as she grows up. Anyhow, what more can anybody do, after all, no one cares enough to take up the burden of bringing up a bright charitable young lady, no one who fits anyway. Of course, it depends heavily on the person herself to know where to pick her role model. And she did, one who is giggly and girly, somewhat vain and not too bright. These things, we have nothing to do with, only for the society to slowly eliminate those inappropriate to survive. Unless you are able and willing to do the honor of raising some other people's child.

Well, I learn to grow blind, partially at least, just enough to abstain from inserting myself into other people's matters. All calamities and diseases of human defect, none of which I have the super ability to stop, though I may very well cushion the effect for these people, but I refuse to. Just like the cycle of economics and other things that are of the poor results of human nature, I choose to sit the best position and make the best out of the situations that I am in. A hermit, that's who I am.


-Eva-

Eva's guide to Friendship

Ello all, I've been hiding from blogging since my DAD went online and read my blog and gave me a lecture about it. Anyhow, my blogging cells are bubbling up so here's something for you reader. First of all, this is supposed to be an open journal of mine. By "journal" I mean diary, as in PERSONAL diary. It is written to express myself simply because I am a super genius and things that runs in my head can kill me if I don't output it right. And don't judge me on stuff I write or say or post, because, YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE READING THIS ANYWAY, BUSYBODIES.

See? Get what I mean when I say things in my brain can kill me. Healthy output blogging is.
..........................................................................................................................................

Tadaa. After my fair share of bad friendship with people with personality that would stink the whole Penang Island if personality have a smell, I decided to write this blog. It is neither scientifically proved, advised by professionals, shown in certified reports nor biblical. Follow it if you want but I am not responsible for the outcome and you may clap, scream, yell, laugh, curse happily if you think any of these hit the spot. Thank you.

Tips on people stuff.

#1
Acknowledge that you do not need friends, and you are comfortable being alone and most importantly, being yourself. Life is beautiful as it is and friends (good ones) only here to compliment it. You will not die or in anyway suffer misery if you are lack of them.

#2
Make more acquaintances as friends comes from acquaintances. Knowing more people means you have more prospects for friends. Give yourself time to know them and stop at the level of acquaintance if you ever find them as unsuitable friends material.

#3
Don't ever assume people are faking it around you. Yes people do that sometimes but can't you just think the best of people around you?! Anyway, only people who fakes it often will ALWAYS think other people are faking it also. So when you ask someone how is he/she doing, take his/her answer as it is and swallow down your inner cry of wanting to say "don't fake it darling." Lol, because, come on, you are the one with the problem.

#4
Accept compliments gracefully, if your parents had been incapable of teaching you how to thank people when people praise you OR you have been temporary deaf when you parents did, let me have the honour of reminding you to say a hearty thank you when people say nice things about you. By "hearty", it means say it with your heart, not saying thank you and having an inner war of how to accept it.

#5
Say sorry ONLY WHEN YOU MEAN IT. And its best that situations when apologies is need to be avoid. NOT generated. And sorry means you sincerely feel inapropriate to have did that something and you admit that it is wrongfully done even if it is for a better cause, emphasizing on the wrongfully done part. NOT the "I said it out of love part." It suck to the max when you say you did it out of love and all other people see if disrespect.

um this is supposed to be longer but most my blog posts doesn't really turn out 100% the way I want them to anyway. I find better pleasure in chatting with my sis now, so more later, if I still feel like it. Ciao ciao, nosy peekers.

the rest of my life

It's confusing isn't it? This life, I mean. You love something so much one minute and you are so darn freaking annoyed by it the next. As if there is not enough stuff to confuse me, it just has to complicate itself by giving everything a good side and a bad side. Come on, how am I supposed to make decisions while bla bla bla can be good and bad in the same time and right and wrong at the same time. Then there are those philosophers. They woud ask you "What colour is this?", you say "White," and they say "What makes you think it is white?", you answer "I don't know, why don't cha try asking the other 50 millions people out there who are not colour blind?" Then they'll ignore your joke and say, "If everyone say it's black, then won't it be black then?". AHhh...That's a trick question. HA! I get it...I get it.

I'm babbling. 'Cause I'm insane. I said till further notice see? HAHA!!! No further notice YET!!! TEEHEE~



-coke addict-

Isn't it true?

Isn't it true, that we came into this world alone and we are to walk alone and to finish it alone? After all, from whatever I've been through in these 19 long years, I have been alone anyway. No matter how many people would say "I've got your back." None of them have me all the time. No matter how sincere people are when they promise they would do their best to sustain a relationship, it never lasts. People still come and go. They still get new best buddies and treat you like any other normal acquaintances in the end.

Amazing isn't it, when we fall, we have to stand up by ourselves. No doubt there might be some good Samaritans who decide to give you a hand, the main strength that heave us up is still our own. No matter how many friends you have around you, it is still you who define your existence. Even though there must be thousands of great scientist running around, no one could ever understand your mind, thoughts and perspective so completely. However lost we might feel, the people around us are more confused about ourselves. Choices are made by the self, maybe encouraged by the others, but there is no one else to blame when mistakes happen, or when regret comes into view. Isn't it so? That we are alone anyway.

What happens when faith collides with your better sense of judgement? Is this a chance of breaking free or another temptation that is set up to trap the lost? Who would speak forth and take over the wheels and turn it around? Are we not alone?! Are we not alone! Are we not meant to be alone?!

Speak to me in the light of the dawn, mercy comes with the morning. I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me!



-soldier between two wars-

I will walk on water.

Listen to the song playing with this blog. I... will walk on water, and you will catch me if I fall. Haven't I be just as lost? How long have I been in the storm, overwhelmed by the ocean and waves crashing over my head? He sings, if I could just see you, everything will be alright. I am lost, confused and very much overwhelmed. Silenced by the noise around me. He hath not bring me out to drown but still I feel like I am ten feet under and upside down. When barely surviving becomes a purpose, I know things might not go right.

What a peculiar line that follows. I will walk on water, and you will catch me if I fall. I wonder if I would walk on water, have I have the faith of Peter to walk on the lake heading to Jesus? And if I do, will I fall? How could this be? That I am so unsure about myself, he sings "You will catch me if I fall..." how could this be? I am sure You will. The only thing I am so sure. You have did that a thousand times. No matter how deep how messy, you will catch me if I fall.

You have been with me every step of my life. Though I may not know of your presence. Side by side you have walked me through. If I could just see you, everything will be alright. I will get lost in your eyes and know everything will be alright. A love so different from others, so much plainer yet deep. If I could just see you... this darkness will turn to light.

I will walk on water, you will catch me if I fall. We will walk on together.



-water walker-

Regrets

Thanks for all your comments, all my dearest readers. It's wonderful to know that people actually click into my life, part of my hidden life, one that most of my family and closest friends don't click into. Regrets, i read it from the last comment. Anonymous said he/she has some regrets. I have too.

Just about a couple of hours ago, I bought this green long sleeves knitted top off the internet, it's my first internet purchase, and man I am so glad. A nice nice nice top. It went out of stock once and almost killed me. Right after I made my payment I saw the red one, same top, and it's oh-SO-NICE too. Then I start thinking would I look better in green or red and I just couldn't push myself to make the choice. Red is gonna look so fresh and young and all those. Then again, if the shirt is not of good quality red will make it look cheap and make me look fat. The things just keep popping in my head like soft-lived soap bubbles.

I still insist it is not a regret, I convinced myself I made a right choice simply because I paid for it and there's nothing I can do to change it. It's not a one timer in my life to have moments like this, for instance, I bought this nice ring from the flea market and saw another nicer one when I turned a corner, I ordered some ordinary drink and my fren sat down after me and ordered a really chic and tasty one. I'm a typical undecisive person and it drives me crazy, this junction to turn or the next, this safe looking black top or that hot risky sleeveless. The truth is, I have no idea what I want! Dad asked me if I want those Maybellin New York Eye Shadow and I said NO! What am I? He's my dad and I'm too shy to say yes?!

Regrets can flood and consume a person if only you allow it. That the power of the freedom of choice. Yes I did loads of stupid stuff today, if I am to count them one by one I think I would go nuts by the next hour, I bet there must be tonnes of people doing the same thing, beating himself up for missing the chance of asking his dreamgirl out or sulking because she missed the last sales in the mall. Man. Regrets, no matter small or big they just seem to be capable of swallowing us whole. I hate the fact that my grandma died without knowing Christ and how I missed out so many good meetings and services in church when other people are there to tap into the blessings.

All I know is what has been done is done. When we are to give an account of our actions, the stupid senseless stuffs we did have to be explained, no matter how much I regretted it. All I can do now is just minimize the stupid things in my list. I have to move on, the world won't stop and wait because Eva is regretting choosing green over red. God didn't strike down sinners in our time, He has the grace to let them live and turn back to Christ. He would have flood the earth, kill the first born and rain burning sulfur balls if we were in the older days. He has the grace for all my stupid actions as long as I ask for His mercy and repent. He is doing the same for everyone. Regretting something is as if you are telling God my standards are higher than Yours, even though you forgive me, my standards don't allow me to forgive myself.

NO! It doesn't work that way, when God say let go, we let go. The voice that tells you to hang on to the past is false. Let go, Jesus said "It is done." So it is. Let go. You are free to live your tomorrows.



-Refuge of war-

Last Night

This is the last night I will spend gouging down questions and details to get ready for my last paper. A peculiar paper in my context, having no cases to cite, no quotations to get all flourish with and no long writing to do. What a day I had, I must be tired, and not yet so, there is a long road ahead. My robust spirit would not allow me to be tired, I have a long way to go.

What way, then... I have no idea. When will I be leaving, for where and when will I be back? I have never been so unknowing in my life yet I know I am not lost. He is my light, I just have to walk towards Him all the time. When the light gets dimmer, I know I haven't got it right, so I'll turn back to the direction where my light shines. The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

Trust me when I say I am never so unknowing in my life, I am finishing up an exam which I know not the results, they can either bring me further or pull me down; I am waiting for a scholarship which will provide me a chance, I do not know what will be the outcome; I am heading to somewhere, I do not know where and how can I get there; my sister is quiting her job, she loves it but she quits; my brother is far away, half a globe away, with less words than ever spoke before. Yet I am sure, this is not a free fall.

The Lord is my shepherd, what more can I ask? Jehovah Jireh, He gave me everything in my life. Each day, my first breath reminds me that He had preserved my life, each step, when my foot touch the ground, it reminds me that He had set my foot there. What more can I ask. All sin washed away, all dirt, all past scrape anew. I am clean, I am free, I am new, for You made me so.

You are my joy, You are my tears. You fill my heart with song when You say that You are near. How could this be? For all You've done for me, is that not enough? The abundance overwhelms my simple heart, yet You promise more good to come. You are my tears, when you said to me, Your love is enough, more intimate than lovers, more loving than fathers, who are You? And who am I to be so loved? But as I struggled in tear and dirt, Your spirit came, and wash them all away, You hold me tight in Your arms and assures me it's okay, they have all gone away. I sobbed in Your embrace, who am I to be so loved, my wounds on You and Your joy on I.

I will love You forever and serve You all my life. Cancel all my doubts, O God, and set my heart upon thine. I love You forever, You are my joy, my guidance, my vine.



-va-

one

Hmm...don't mind me if I ask. to my dear readers. what is you name? how'd you know it's your name in the first place? If everyone call you something esle than that does that become your name too? Or you can simply pick a word to become you name, maybe you can even pick something which is not a word to be your name? Like a painting for instance. What if you name is not your name? I don't think I'm wrong to say that one's individuality does not directly connect to one's name, or can even be absolutely a different matter than a name. Surely someone can live without a name. or with too many names.

What if...this is not me writting at all? Or it's not my words that I am speaking. maybe it's not even my own story that I am telling..or these thoughts are just too random. Wait...if there is really so little to be contained in a name, anyone at all can be of a different identity. a different name. in a different circumstance. a different environment. A sense of liberation. I am to be who I want to be.

There's nothing impressive to find out that one can be anything one thinks he is or what he wants to be once you know that the best thing that I can be is to be myself. in this moment, this place, in this name and this very protection.


-va-

.once in a blue moon.

it's been a quite awhile since the last time it poured like just now...the time between afternoon and the evening. i think it is one of the beautiful time of day, the time between afternoon and the evening. probably because it rained. and it was the rain that made the sky grey...not the painful grey. just grey. and if it hadn't rain like then, the moon tonight would not be so clear in view either. clear, to say that we can see that the curved star is hanging low, though it remained covered, like in a soft white veil. a fine and thin veil.

and though the way home i just couldn't help looking out to see, a rather cool night. a li'l chilly though not enough to cause any annoyance in discomfort. i couldn't care less about this weather out there, it made no matter to me. just as in many ways, a lot of things made no matter to me. and me to them. there's probably a drop of dew forming on a leaf somewhere. no matter. just as there is probably a drop of tear forming somewhere. and so it did not matter either. so none is so uncommon to be not negligible.

didn't it all not matter? yes, none is so uncommon, drops of dew and defined details of life, time, growth and everything within its realm. every second of moments and tick of time, does everything not move or change or grow or shrink or live or die or evolve or be different than the circumstance of the last second? doesn't the frequency of its changes, random or not, been so much of a habit that it is not uncommon enough to be noticed. to comment that these are too little to be taken into thoughts is not too arrogant of me to be spoken of.

but didn't all these details made up the picture? the dewdrops and the sorrow so shallow to be noticed of, the slight dimness in the colour of the sky and remaining visual of fast moving objects and the beam of street lights and the tiny silhoutte of the sitting in the balcony. i guess somehow they must've been collected in such quiet way that when it has been put together all these bits made up the colours and emotions and temperature and feeling, the gentleness the wind and the lights and the lightness of the burdens of emotions.

just as much were there to be noticed, most haven't seen it. and much were there to be thought of, most chose not to. in life, it has enough to be too much to absorb and our limitations only allows us to take into account a part of everything. shall many choose the beauty of others, shall few choose its details. shall we ignore the details and shall you overview. me. shall we cherish the beauty and shall this moment be remembered. as it is. once in a blue moon.


-va-

i've been here.

looking back into this year make my future seems unclear. all along, i have been here. with all the words and the lil' pictures, everything around me changes. but i have just stayed here. and in the morning i will wake up and to see that the sun still shines and the day is so clear, with a lil' wind and a lil' noise from the fountain next door. and i, i choose to stay here.

if ever i knew anyone my words would make all the difference, i...would i choose it to be so? or is this the best my words can make out of me. through these years we say we all learned and the process and the steps and gained something dear, but haven't we all stayed in the same place. Reciting the same conversations, replaying the same roles. or is it just i, i who stayed here...

As the seasons are made for change, our livestimes are made for years, could i, can i choose my way to stay here, as i am, content with everything that i have. do i..am i...will i be just as contended. with people leaving and ever changing. what am i doing staying here. waiting..simply waiting just for the moment. to feel and finally have the guts to leave here.

da da da...and who so will bring me away from here..or i, i would leave here alone.


-va-
simply crappin'

=) hows life

"Life is unpredictable...Short...full of excitement but it is very sensitive and vulnerable ..wont last long ...life never work in counter clockwise...all in all life is too much to describe and define."

"Life is beautiful, even when it's sad...can be fast n peaceful in the same time. It can work counter clockwise if only u wanna make it happen..life is too much to take if you take it alone."

Life is pretty much different for everyone. But in every passing persons, you see shadows of life. There's always a structure in every lives. Of the beginning, the growth, the confusion, the breakdowns and the resurrection. of the time, the space and the end.

Life is temporariness. Life is permanent. Everything will come and go before your mind can register. Yet how could my mind remember those that went so fast I could not register. life is detailed and yes, i agree, vulnerable. breakeble. Life is protective. Though some are not protective enough to keep you from hurting but life does not allow you to be tortured for eternity. Is that why it is so short and so lenghthy in the same time?

Life is the air, the wind, the water and the nature. with the footsteps on the sand and the writings in the journals. Life is forgettable. now, forget me.


-va-

Dangerous thoughts

It is indeed a dangerous thing to let a youngster sit there, doing nothing and let his/her thoughts run wild. Just as I did. Idleness. It was so probably the meal from KFC that triggered my long asleep thoughts. How watery the whipped potato had become that reminds me of my college mates. We complaint about everything. Yes, literally everything.

Well, what else do you expect of law students? Our lecturer said we are aware of our rights and so we make noises and stuff. Sometimes I do think it is plain the joy of making other people's life miserable. Or to view it from a consumer's point of view, we are trying to make sure they keep up the standards.

And so all these suddenly reminds me of my mom's client who complainted to her that there's a sucker lawyer in Weld Quay (pronounced as W-ell k-EE). And how when my mom's client went to ask for some paperwork 'cause he changed his mind about hiring that lawyer to represent him in a real estate case, the lawyer's clerk refused to give it to him so easily. And so he said the lawyer sucks. And my brain suddenly reminded me how grateful should that lawyer be to his clerk. 'Cause if the clerk gave in right away, mom's client would be "Even the clerk sucks, can't even protect his/her boss now, can he/she?"

So that was till I realize I am insulting a potential profession of mine and then it hit me that all of the professions nowadays are being to put blame for the nature of human mistakes. How we as beings are helpless in making mistakes and how we can't help but repeating it after we just recover from the last one.

And soon, how great n wonderful that we always get the forgiveness if we can humble down and ask for it. How it is given in such grace. No matter how bad we still feel inside, we know that that someone had already take us back again, washed our wounds and we will soon be living the life afresh. ready for another challege knowing we would never fall from the same mistake again.


-va-

Departed

Departing from my used-to-be comfort zone. Where I used to live, a cocoon of dreams and thoughts, of wishes and empty hopes. The beauty of inexistent reality, the only thing that is permanant seems to be the changes...thoughts forever evovling just like rolling a snowball. Letting the new thoughts covering the old thoughts. More thoughts. Fantasy. A snowball of fantasy.

I still miss those days where I dreams off into the drunkenness and think thoughts. Ignorant of the reality is never close to dreams. I prefered the my mind's work of art than the paintings of this world. Smiling to my own works. How wonderfully stupid. Gone are those days. Seeing things I shouldn't see, hearing words shouldn't be said and so much growing up to do. I could not stay young, time did not stop, people couldn't help changing, this world refused to slow down.

Tired...so tired of the pace... oh it started again.. the twirling of earth. I'm just so worn out, by the late nights and being exile in a crowd. Nobody knew me. We never shared the same shoes. We did not shared the same air. Were we even present in the same space? They did not know me...me and my burdens. Me and my drunkenness. Me and the inner pain. Abnormal of me to cherish the pain. I cherish my pains.

Inability of dreaming anymore, a forced soberness and the compelling departure. I left. Killed myself. Witness my own death. The ending and the beginning. Here I am again. In this place, just as much a stranger as any other stranger to this town. With a lil backpack of clothes, my cellphone, a mp3 player, this laptop and another bunch of 1st times. I heard it is warm in the day and cool in the nights. Did my silent departure awaken your pain...no..no more wishes. I know it didn't. My relief, my pain...

I'm here but I'm not back. I'm eva but I'm not me. I'm the pain but it doesn't hurt anymore. I'm bitterness but no more envious. I'm beauty but I'm not gorgeous. I am dead but I took my breathe back. Who am I? No new name, none new identity, neither a new location or a strange town. I am me, but what makes me me? All I know is I left and but here I am.

My departure. Cherish my pain.




departed
-va-

Killing Eva - The Ultimate Release

Killing the soul of somebody may seems to be hard, even harder than a cold blooded murder. Killing one's physical does not determine the death of the soul. The same theory applies, killing one's soul does not determine the death of the physical.

Finally tired of the waiting, the writing, the thinking, the confusion, the lost, the beaten up feeling and all those dependence of him. Killing Eva is a slow long process. The murder started when I thought my life started. Hmm...such similarities between the beginning and the end. The beginning of a life, the ending of a soul.

Waited all along. From strangers to friends, the distance of the air to thousand miles away, an awkward wave to a hearty laugh. It all must come to an end. No more clinging on the mere relationship, no more hanging on the ever changing distance, no more holding on an unintended joke. Killed the soul, release the nothingless.

Flying solo. The breathe I finally get back. Killing eva - my ultimate release.




-va-
released 0022 12.07.2007

evaporate

as night falls in...tiredness eases in... and emotion rushed in... my existent evaporated. It's a slow process, yet so obvious that I can see pieces of me disappeared into the air. I couldn't do anything about it, so I laid back and savour my slow disappearance... savour the pain and the lightness of departing into the air. Wonderful isn't it? Of slow death. Painful isn't it? When nobody cares.

my tiredness evaporated, so lightly into thin air. The burden was never fair for me to bear... Let go, I allowed myself to be swallowed...shh...my inexistent...tired of this world, tired of these places, tired of these people, tired of these faces; slowly losing traces. Let my tiredness evaporate...

my love evaporated, so lightly into thin air. my affection to these people...losing hope, would we ever be the same again? Losing hope, would you ever look me in the eye again? Loving such burden and such burden of loving... Burdens evaporate into thin air. Don't stare...love that nobody cared...

my life evaporated, so lightly into thin air. of the pain and cuts , falls and wounds; never healed, that's the words...never healed...My life, of complication...Such inexistent...Slow slow death... If anyone could've have saved me, none seems to care.

Finally me myself evaporated into the thin air. Shh...i'm dead.




-va-

nightsky

I used to live in an apartment by the sea. I would wake up really early, bathe and look down to the window that would light up after I finished changing, looked out to the dark sky from the balcony and said a silent prayer. Grabbed my breakfast and walk slowly out in the breeze on the gloomy cool road to where my school bus will arrive. Breathing in the air, soothingly cool.

I was never much of a good girl. I would simply sleep through classes even if it was my final year in high school. Girls' school had been like a savage community trapped in an old building, such real place, with all the people that you would meet in the real world. Some sincere and innocent, others tend to be just as practical and they are plainly the people that we meet everyday. Those who would have the basic instincts of protecting themselves first and those who seek they way bending though in between the people.

Exhausted of a day's thought, I let my thoughts slowly descend on the way home...the last few to go off from the bus. Lunches had alone. Napping in the living room to be awaken by the children laughter before evening comes. Strangers under one roof, I did not know many of my neighbours yet we spent days and weeks and months sharing the same air, savouring the same night sky, drinking in the similar serenity of this place.

Those nights are the nights that I missed the most. When I would sit on my bed beside the window, looking out to the view outside, thinking of thoughts that never became thoughts. People that walked in and out of the picture, those who stopped and others who rushed about. And of the beam though the curtains. When everybody else in the house went to bed, my inspiration would start flowing..of on-coming words that are beaded into strings of black pearls. Stripped of my thoughts and indulged in the drunkenness that crashed to me, my subconscious found ways to interpret my life. Voices of my heart to be put into words. Wonderful beautiful paintings word can paint. Colours of words...the black and white of words became multicolour as alphabets are being put into places like pieces of jigsaw puzzles.

Such a place where no words can describe, a place shared with thousand where I spent time with myself and myself alone. Chasing over the lights in the night, back to the basics of life. Please bring me back, help me find the door, bring me out of this coldness...

B block 5th floor... a place seemed to be the edge of the world...we shared the same nightsky, you and me. Where we shared the nightsky.


Bloggaphile
-va-
I found comfort in you.

something killed me

something killed me. I don't know what. I just realized that I died. when? I have no idea. Proabably before I was drunk.

something killed me. this family. differ in beliefs won't split the family, it's the sceptical opinion against my belief that would. It's not the misunderstanding that breaks the bond, it's the unwillingness to understand that does. you killed me. did you notice?

something killed me. my best friend. hugs and kisses never heals me, they healed you. of guilt. neglect,ignore,absence...feel familiar with these words? Shh... I died, did you notice?

something killed me. my friends. did you know me? my inexistent, my invisiblity...shh...something killed me, could you hear me? empty people..could you understand me? something killed me...

something killed me. this world. strange strange world. a place of weirdness, of non-believing, of non-belonging, of unknowing, of non-living, of non-existing; a place of in-betweens, teared between. this world, you killed me, did you notice?

something killed me. this life. never ending, of slow creep. of silent nights, of cold hearts, of lonely meals. such lengthy story. which part killed me? my life. please tell me.

something killed me. this dream. I'd always loved this dream, sweet calm peaceful nightmare. long long dream...when did i sleep? after I died? but my dreams killed me. how could this be?

something killed me. these songs. of my life. hmm..mm....big girls don't cry...50 miles to go and she was running low, on faith and gasoline....hello there, the angel from my nightmare...this innocence is brilliant, I hope that it could stay.....I'm not missing you....my scars reminds me, the past is real.... come on, sing along, pieces of words that made up my life, my life that killed me.

something killed me. can anyone see? can anybody tell me? I killed me. my cold hand, my stuffed heart, my drunken brain.

I killed me. somebody save me...Father, save me.


dead bloggaphile: certified death 8.00a.m. 7.6.1989
-va-

依賴

Oxford Advanced Learner's Eng-Chi Dictionary
依賴 [mandarin]: dependent; to rely on ( the support, etc. of) in order to exist or to be true.

Bloggaphile Va's Guide to Life
依賴 [existent/life/love]: the privilege of having/ abstractly having sb to lean on; to cling on to at times, to look forward to, the inexplainable jinx of holding one together.

My drunkenness always gives me the claim to not know the beginning of a certain process in my life. I am drunk. I love it when I am drunk... Yes, dependence is a process, and I never knew when it started. I can only assume when it start. I allow myself to remember the parts and pieces of the things I wanna remember and I always remember them well. But I would always leave out bits of it, giving out a room for me to complete painting the pictures with my mind. In other words - saving spaces for my imagination to flow.

Well, tonight I disect myself...weaving a process which I cannot recall. Getting used to his presence...a presence that seems so natural, it makes no sense. a person that blends in so well in the crowd, he seems invisible, an ordinary that catches breaths and get away with his acts. his presence, his voice, his smile, his words, his jokes, his car, his friends, the crowd. Got used to having him around. a habit of having him around...a habit...of mine. *smiles*

Habits - of random meetings, of pointless messages, of meaningless words being put together. The anxiety of him stop replying, the worries when he is slipping away, the nervousness of finding proof that he had always, always been around, only unnoticable. Him being around, doesn't neccessary have to be physically around, digital presences? cyber presence? Just enough proof to give me the comfort of he is still sharing my space, my air, that he'd not vanish from my world. Please please please tell me you had always been around.

The dependent of his present absence. When such reliance turn into dependence, it's painfully beautiful, finally realizing I am depending on him, without him knowing, in his absence. The dependence that wrote this blog, the dependence that kept me waiting, the dependence that kept me smiling, it's seems so small yet it's essential to keep this time running, keep this life going. Silly isn't it, if you would know you mere existent is enough to generate such words? In your presence, I find strength; in your absence, I find hope. Dependence is less than words, yet it weaves words.

I missed you. If you do know, please tell me, you'd be around. My survival on the on-and-off presence of yours.



waiting
-va-

the beauty of watching from afar

Never knowing when it started, I got used to the distance. The things that came between. The long road seemingly endless, the on and off crowds, the days, the nights, the trees beside the roads...the same lamp posts that nobody ever noticed. On the other side, are we doing similar things? In the nights, did we shared the same emptiness? The same thoughts? The same tiredness from dwelling in the city that we seemed too insignificant to be remembered.

I've gotten used to the distance. My first valentine. Feeling the comfort being out of the picture. I loved watching those in the pictures, coloured. Her eyes shone as he sang her the song. His song. I smiled. How beautiful. And he smiled, settling her around his arms. I settled in the empty seat in the gallery, the comfort of my far away view. My first valentine with the painter. The beauty of watching from afar.

I've gotten used to the distance. The silence. In the nights. With my words, my thoughts. I let my left walk on the streets, in the crowd, did our shoulders brush? Strolling in the breathing of the city. Would you have known that I was at the corner? The next exit to the quietness of the city's voices. If we have followed the directions, would we meet despite the crowd?

I've got used to the distance. Gazing at your windows, waiting for the beams in through the gardens. The warmth of sharing the same breath, the same nights, the same calmness in the darkness of this place. I'd always liked my views, from afar. I wouldn't need to expose myself to the paint and canvas to indulge in the pictures. The gentle heat from the orange and reds of the leaves and the cooling blues and greens of the sky would have been enough. I sat from afar. In the darkness, among the beams of the night sky, watching over you, in the picture.

I've always enjoyed the distance. Just as the readers got to know the characters in the novels, I had been reading a story of this busy city from afar. Among the people...among the crowds, of the characters. They never knew each other. Walked side by side, been on the same bus, the same streets, same bookstores. The writer's unpredictable ways of placing each and everyone of the characters. People from miles away, and those that had been sharing the same air.

I sat on a bench, watching the pictures in the gallery. Would you, in the picture, had saw me? Or would you, in the books had read about me too? Or am I the one in the books and the pictures?

If it is so, would I had fallen in love with the character in the books. Would you had saw me did so?

-va-