Saturday, February 13, 2010

"Oh, so I'm Nancy..."

"We've been like Sid and Nancy for months now."
"Summer, Sid stabbed Nancy, seven times with a kitchen knife, I mean we have some disagreements but I hardly think I'm Sid Vicious."
"No I'm Sid."
"Oh, so I'm Nancy..."

. . . . .

Hey I never thought that I would write this letter. But again, I probably wont sent it anyway. I don’t think I ever want anyone to know this. Maybe it’s because we have always been this way.
So here it goes.

I think I changed. And I have never liked changes. I would always look back in my past and wish I hadn’t change at all, it doesn’t matter if it is for the better or for worse. The ironic part is, I have changed things that I don’t want to change and the ones that I want to change remains the same.

For instance, I am not as cheerful and bubbly. Now I think I have this hatred and desire for vengeance boiling inside me. I am less friendly, sometimes I’d rather just be rude and offensive. I think less of good things and trust me, it’s not by choice. Somehow somewhere along the road I lost the longing to be home, the passion for that glimpse of hope and picked up this vulgarly fierce hag. I am sceptical when I should be positive, cruel when I should be nice, tired when I should be energetic. My unshaken faith happens less and less. The change is so evident that I thought someone must have poisoned me. And these are the things that changed.

My fears did not changed. They didn’t even quiver. As if the change in me occurred in a totally different territory. I am still afraid of the dark, keep all the windows and door tightly locked. I still have this warning that rings up telling me I should avoid these boys ‘cause I don’t want to wake up one day, married, and regretting the first moment I open my eyes and see the face of the person sleeping next to me. I am still doubtful of “us”. I still hold on to the belief that you should live like a teenager while you are, doing all the crazy things I did. I hope you are, because I’ll be Jack and you’ll be Eva. But I hope you aren’t because that didn’t last. The other thing that didn’t change is sometimes I still feel like parts of me belong to you, and you to me somehow. It happens once in a while.

I still miss my best friend, unsure of that if I love him. These are the things that changes and did not. I wonder if you would still take me. And if you would, what would I do.

written: 1 week before this post.

1 comment:

PeiWen said...

Aww....miss u badly ~ like always I do :p

I have had changed too , dunno is better or worse , but the only thing I can promise u & will make sure unchanged is I would continue love u , miss u , care u , like what I did previously , if cant do it better than b4 , if like tat I would try my best to maintain it like now :D And will make it last forever :)

And I will continue miss n love u til the day we meet up n hug u as tight as I can til both of us cant breath :p { * PROMISE* }, now how I wish I can hug u tightly :(
regret dint huy u tight tight before u left =(

The man u miss but not sure wether u love or not , I know it is quite upset u , but please , dun ignore the feeling while u confuse or upset , juz follow wat u want to do , in short , follow ur feeling , dun care too much , I have a thought , if we scared every consequences wat we gonna do , or scared regret after wat we do , when we grow older , surely will regret y we dint have a try tat time ? tat moment ??
of course , dun push this to limit la , any dangerous or will harm to family , reputation , sure we wont do , I have faith on u , sure u will know wat u gonna do after all u had gone through :)

LOVE u Always ,
ur baBy ~ PeiWen Au


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