Saturday, May 31, 2008

White Love Story

White Love Story
애즈 원
커피프린스 1호점 OST

처음엔 알지 못했어
나를 보는 그대의 그 눈빛이
왜 그렇게 안타까웠는지
언제나 묻고 싶던 말
아주 조금 내 맘 알고 있는지
한번도 얘기한 적 없었지만
이젠 아는데 그대도 나처럼
하루하룰 헤매였던 걸
잠들 수 없이
너무 아파했었다는 걸
손을 잡아요다
시는 그대 놓지 않을게
사랑해요 내가 숨쉬는 날까지

그대로 멈춰버렸죠
나에겐 늘
모질게만 대하던 그대가
날 보며 웃어주던 날
이젠 아는데 그대도 나처럼
하루하루 헤매였던 걸
잠들 수 없이
너무 아파했었다는 걸
손을 잡았죠
다시는 나를 놓지 말아요
사랑해요 내가 눈감는 날까지


울지 않아요 이제 그대
내 곁에 있으니
고마워요 이렇게 모자란 내게
그대를 선물해줘서

........................................................................................................................................................
I didn't know when I first met you, why I get so flustered when you look at me. I've always wanted to ask, if you understood just a little of my feelings, even though I've never told you. How you were always a wonder to me, the way you are, far apart yet fit so well in every picture. Your words still resound in my mind whenever I hear this song.

Now I know how we are all the same, just as lost and walking about in our lives alone. Just like others, share thoughts that keep us from sleep. I tried to know you more, walked every place that you have been before, try every taste and meet the same people that you have met. With my pace, hoping to finally catch up with you one day, and share our walks later. Hold my hand, and I will never let go of you again. I love you, as long as I breathe.

Things stood still when you, who always had been so quiet and distanced, smiled a me that day. I was so surprised and glad that we are friends, connected with the briefest moments. And now I understand, how we are the same, just as lost and somewhat confused, a little afraid of the future. Hold my hand, never let go of me again, I love you, till the day I close my eyes in rest.

I will be fine, knowing that you are by my side. Thank you, for giving me, who is not worthy, the gift of your presence in my life.
-white girl-

Friday, May 30, 2008

:idle day:

Just after Tort paper...*~ I didn't get enough sleep again...feel like had been walking around with a heavy head. Ma~ I think I need sleep. So this will be another idle day. Came home and saw my room all cleaned up and the windows are open. I so love the tree outside my house. It look so green. Maybe I should give him a hug someday. For being such a sweetheart everytime I come home.





It must be really nice to be the tree. It's all big and green already. Mom and dad always think I'm a special kid, you know? I'm really proud of it. They used to fetch me around so I go blabbing all the way in the car. They always start with "How's your day, honey?" And the conversation will soon turn to something else. I don't think I'm one of those super genius but I know I'm different. I may not realize it but I had interest in almost everything.

And now I'm wondering how I would really like someone like myself. I guess people would really appreciate others who are really similar to them. Like how I wish my children will be as curious as I was, not curious in a way like those scientist and all those. But curious enough to read and think and explore. Then I realize no one can raise a kid to be exactly like herself, no matter how hard she try, it would only ruin the kid. That's how my parents raised my I guess. They gave me so much room to grow.


I read Andrew Matthew's book in my preteen years, started reading since my lower primary. I think I began my collection of books in my higher primary years, of course most of my old books are given away already. I was suddenly amazed by how every part of my childhood seemed to be carefully planned. Not only by my parents. By my heavenly Parent too.


I could hardly remember having any problems in my language classes, English especially. I learned idioms when my sister did. And Sir David seemed to pop out of no where and fit right in there in my younger years. Then there was British Council and the part-time job and all the small small things. I actually enjoyed learning.

Of course there was all those traveling...all 3 children in my family have our fair share of traveling. We can barely remember our 1st flight. Australia, Bangkok, United States, Taiwan... The world opened up to me like a big book with tiny prints all over it. The exposure is priceless.

I'm just suddenly so thankful. I'm happy to be blessed. In everything, I will give thanks.



-a child-

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Going nuts...Bahhhh!!!

I will not blame anything or anyone. This is just a random expression of craziness, please forget it after reading. Oh, and don't mind my language please.

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EEEeeekkk!!! Exams exams exams. WHY LA EXAM...SUCH BAD TIMING. TSK...What the crapppppp! First time ever for my burfday to clash with exams, AND it's supposed to be my LAST TEENAGE BIRTHDAY. Don't the Cambridge people understand what is SPECIAL??? My burfday is what people call special kayy... The WHOLE freakin' Malaysia celebrates the day. At least they used to 'cause the Agong love the 7th of June sooo darn much he had to clash MY birthday with HIS. Indeed the Englishmen have NO respect for the head.. yea.. the HEAD of our country. AND ME.

...
wow...so short only wor...

actually...I just reli wanna go for the movie...




-whitegirl-

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

welcome home~!

Did you know, I had this dream before, where I smiled when I woke up. I remember it well, I was in the National Service then. It must have been more than one year ago from now. You called to say you have arrived safely in KL then. It was just that brief. You in the car, the city scene start filling the view of the window beside you, you had the phone to your ear and said you are in KL already, probably with a smile.

I woke up smiling. It's just a pure joy that warmed me from the inside. In the mist of neatly lined-up beds and the weather somewhat colder because we are far from the city. I could imagine other girls being all clingy and teary when that someone special is leaving; but I simply cannot deny the joy to know that my someone special is after his dream and while we are far apart yet somehow so knitted in understood terms and such strong faith that we would be together again.

And here we are now, you have finished your studies and heading for somewhere further and a dream bigger. Yet I still have the same faith and same addiction to you. I'm struggling for words now to type out the utmost happiness that you have came to me and said "I'm back in Penang.". To think that you have turn to give me these words, it is just so surreal. You had always come and go without letting me know, with such a personality so careless and slow.

Even if it is the smallest action, I am just so glad that you have given me the privilege to take a small step into your life. Welcome home, I would shout to the apartment tomorrow. =P



-tree-hugger-

Monday, May 26, 2008

love song

I fell in love with love songs lately. They sing it so well as though they are telling their own story. I wonder how will our love song sound like, then I wonder how will it be possible to put all that happened in a song of mere minutes yet it seemed like each song say enough to tell the whole story.

I especially love song that come with a deep cut in the heart, no matter how sanguine I appear to be, I appreciates the melancholic part of me. Love songs became an addiction, the way they sing with so much emotion that it is painful to listen, yet at the end of the song you find yourself smiling with tears. How could we be fighting fiction all along but end up being a part of the story ourselves? Could we have been like those in the songs?

Maybe it was just me all along. I thought I was simply looking at a beautiful picture in a gallery, to have look at it so often that you became more than a habit. A distanced admiration that I cling on to so much. Till the distances dissolves in, till barely anything is left to keep the mildest relationship, but it was too late. However much it burdens my heart, no matter how much struggles were made, you became too painful to be let go of.

Waiting upon your return every time, for the light to shine through your windows. To pray for you each night, to take a detour back to every place that we share the briefest memories, to speak to you through the wind in the softest voice, and above all the faith that I keep in something so vague. I enjoyed every moment of it. Be it alone or with you. I try to remember every smile, every detail, everything that I can, fearing to lose any bit of it.

I will be sure, be brave and be wise, to love you as you should be loved, with every ounce of strength and support I can muster. To wait upon each one of your returns.



-someone else-

Saturday, May 24, 2008

The Swt-est Partayy of the Year

Indeed it is happening. Hahahahaa~ I am throwing my own Super Swt 19. LOL. All are invited, just let me know if you can come, don't be shy, it's an open party! Oh yea, bring a dish, preferable something that you can burn over the fire. Woohoo~

We're gonna go for the canoe at 4.30p.m. and stay for the dinner after that. Post any question or contribution in the comment please. Thanks!

Seriously, this is NOT a prank.



-va-

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Food for Thought #1: Submisssion

He said to him the third time, "Simon, son of John, do you love me?" Peter was grieved because he said to him the third time, "Do you love me?" and he said to him, "Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you." Jesus said to him, "Feed my sheep."




-John 21:17

"As morning dawns and evening fades
You inspire songs of praise
That rise from earth to touch Your heart
And glorify Your Name

Your Name is a strong and mighty tower
Your Name is a shelter like no other
Your Name, let the nations sing it louder
'Cause nothing has the power to save
But Your Name

Jesus, in Your Name we pray
Come and fill our hearts today
Lord, give us strength to live for You
And glorify Your Name


-Paul Baloche, "Your Name"."

.......................................................................................................................................................................

When a greater force than us pushes us along, most of us choose to fight it, trying to hold on to things close to us, doing all we can to stop or at least slow down the process. Especially when the change is not what we wanted or anticipated. Most of the time, it isn't even a change, it's a small voice in your head that bugs you to do something, and you know that is something you should and could do.

Just as when God calls, "Feed my sheep,", "Clean this place, make My house a holy place,", "Call out to that man.", "Be kind to your friend,", "Apologize to your parents.", "Sing this song to Me,". How often had we neglected the call? It shocked me to realize how much faith it takes to do a small thing for God, and how that small faith can be greater than the world.


We often fight against a lot of things, take the awesome 7 for instance, we fought our college management, our government, Ah Wong in the head office. Other peopl fight their company for a raise, some fight their parents and the rest fight against all the things of the world. Of course those are things of the world, not of God. But when submission is concerned, it takes more to submit then to fight.

The man of submission is a bigger man than the fighter. It takes wisdom to realize that the world will not stop because of our struggle, it could barely slow down. In Greek, submission is called praotes, meekness, forbearance. When the wind of God blows, let praotes prevail, for once, resist grabbing anything that would hold you back, and you will see what God sees, the bigger view and above all, the intimacy with God.

When He asks "Do you love me?", say "Take me with you."



















-va-

Monday, May 19, 2008

last -teen

Yes, it's coming soon. It's great 'cause it will be on a Saturday, so it's a weekend, and it's between my papers, so I can take one day off to celebrate it. The minus point is that the youths won't be around, Pam and the boys will be off to FGA punya camp. And I can't go because; 1. It's between my exams, 2. the last youth camp is supposed to be my last camp, at least until I can get better reasons to convince my parents, 3. I don't really have the spare cash for all the fees considering aunty cancel a month of tuition from me and surely mom and dad won't even pay a cent for it. Crap, I really should get a job with good pay after my exams. Tsk.


Anyway, so they won't be around. Awesome 7 nightstanders will have their heads in books preparing for exam, so it would have to be with my parents. Sometimes they can be real cool, like we went to The Ship on one of my birthdays, mom had one of the snail thing and the whole The Ship crew sang my birthday song. Last year we went for Korean grill, it was not bad 'cause I get to celebrate my birthday with Q che, she's like the coolest aunt anyone would ever want, so yea, it was a nice gathering. Oh and my college mates, those who were in the law class, they sang me a great happy birthday song, and it was really nice 'cause I have only got to know them for like a month then, Shaun was the one who started it. Hee..Thanks guys ^^


Of course there was the birthday celebration at home. Not a big party, we just got together and watch a little movie and had dinner. Mom and dad weren't around, and because it was a CG night so Pam couldn't make it either. The boys came though, and Joon Han and Jack and Seow Jie and Sebrina. I don't think anybody else made it. I remember cooking too much spaghetti, and the nasty subtitles in Shrek 3. I love it still, it was great fun, small crowd but I think we did almost everything that made it real funny. I think I almost laughed my guts out. It was not like any other crappy but funny birthday thing, it's more like double the funny part. Jieli wrote his name with his butt.


This year is the first time my birthday ever clashes with exam period but I don't think I wanna celebrate it on any other day. Birthdays are supposed to be a once-a-year thing, that's what makes them special, no matter how much it sucks, LOL. So far I haven't have any plans up. I kinda should study 1st before trying to make another party that will rock the world, well, at least will rock my world.


Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday Dear Eva,
Happy Birthday to me~.


Aw, it sucks, the lyrics don't even rhyme. =="






-va-

Dear you, miss me.

I'm just so happy, so glad that you are coming back. I've always been the one asking, "when are you coming back?" That's because I'm always nervous and don't know what to say. It seemed right to ask. This time, you replied "Very soon," And I don't know how to react. Very soon. This week? Oh...must be this weekend. And I was really happy, I sat where I always sit, and I turned back to see the place that you always occupy, right at the back, near the door. And nope.

But I was not disappointed, I smiled. Hmm...now you're making me think. A cheeky trap. But I am just so happy, whenever it is, it will be very soon. Then I saw you again, and I asked, "What's so dangerous?" And you said "You." And I smiled and asked again, "When are you coming back?" and you said, "very soon" So I waited. I shouted to your apartment from the highway on my way home, "Come home!" And I smiled, because I know you are, very soon.

It is Sunday again, maybe I'll see you in church today. I went and sat where I sat, so happy afterwards when they need my help at the back. I'd be much closer to you if you are home. But you aren't, but I smile, I must have been thinking too much about you, why esle would I care so much. I even blushed for the first time.

Whenever "very soon" maybe, I'll be waiting just right here. Dear you, miss me.



-white girl-

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Story-dream #2

Chapter 1


After I got off from the academy, I walked to my car. It was parked on the slightly sloped lawn just a few cars away from the small security booth. I had more things in my arms than usual so I thought of putting them down in the passenger seat before hitting the wheels.

Only then I realized that the radio in the car was still on, so I gave myself a few minutes to sit in the passenger seat so that I can fix that old dysfunctional radio again. It was trickier than it used to be. I laid back on the seat after awhile. Radio off, door open and feeling the skies getting dark.

From the tip of my eye I can see the rear view mirror, a man was creeping from the back of my car, grim-looking with a knife in his hand. The door behind me was open, and almost within his reach. I was sure he did not know I noticed him. I swung it close and locked it manually. The sound of the door startled him and I took that instant to pull my door shut and clicked it locked.

This time, I know for sure he saw me doing it. I quickly slipped into the drivers' seat and start the ignition, trying to drive off as if I had not known his presence. He clearly wants more than stealing money, he did not leave. Still with the knife in his hand he just stood there and watch me reversed my car and drove away. The coldness that the grim man brought hung in the air. I could have been dead and disfigured just moments ago.

I turned into the closest police station nearby, it was a small neighborhood station, it looked out of place and under-equipped. The lady in the front desk was friendly, very much un-city-like. When I told her about the guy with the knife, her expression became serious, her partner walked in just then. "He's a chain murderer," throwing the paper file in his hands to counter, right in front of my eyes. Some photos slipped out. "So what's he gonna do next?"

"He traces back all his targets."

"What? He would mean I'm one of them, right?"

"Are you a cop, miss?", he asked before the lady at the desk could answer my question.

"Yes I am."

"There you go, lassie. His name is Bill Ransom, only targets ladies cop. He was found creeping around these two ladies last year and they were dead soon after, murdered and cut off into pieces. Nothing sexual, nothing personal. So you are the second batch, along with Sarah Sanders, R.I.P., just two weeks ago, Rachel Lee Russell, Tammie Thompson, one of our own officers, and you're the latest target."

"So, what do I do next?"

"Don't worry about it, there're still two to go before you. He follows the sequence, Tammie's up in a planned operation to eliminate him off. We can't do it in the public, too dangerous."

"Officer, who's leading the operation?"

"I am, Sergeant Chad Leroy. Nice to meet you, didn't get your name."

"Detective Samantha Lewis, currently teaching in the academy."

"You ain't the daughter of the Deputy in the Federal, are you? You're the other Lewis, eh?"

"I'm afraid I am."

"Look, no worries with Billy's case, just leave your report here and we'll let you know about the progress of the case." Leroy let out a careless chuckle.




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No worries became such unsuitable word to describe the case in just few hours. It came out in the news. Officer Rachel Lee Russell, 30, disappeared after her patrol shift found dead in five different places. Now I am second in queue.

"Sir, I want to go back into the field. I need your approval to join in Dauphin County Troop H, under Sergeant Chad Leroy."

"To do what? Receptionist? Hardly anything happens there, Lewis.", said Fat Daniels. He's in
charge of my transfer. And clearly, he had not been reading the papers.

"Look, I need to join Leroy’s team. They clearly have no idea what they are doing to this Ransom guy. I'm on his list, okay? And Troop H is sending some small town policewoman to bait him, I don't think a mass murderer is that stupid."

"Chill, lady. All I can do is to file your application just like anybody else. Maybe put in a word or two in your recommendation field. The rest are up to the big guys up there."

"Thanks, Daniels,", I finally manage to calm myself down.



-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Sometimes Daniels can work magic, I was in Leroy’s after a week. Ransom had been hibernating after his last murder. Tammie turned out to be a slightly plump, short hair, blonde officer in her early thirties. No offence but she looked clumsy. Leroy, as usual, chuckled at most of the important details and there were some random Smiths and Jones around.

It took me two days to gauge down all the details of the case. The location of the dumping and the stalking. Pennsylvania is not a small state and Ransom had no problem setting his footprints all over. The bodies had been all scattered around the state, no specific pattern at all. The operation was due on the 18th, a Sunday and I had nothing, so far, that could help capture Ransom. I was on the verge of breaking down.

The almost antique phone suddenly rang.

"Hello?"

"Detective Lewis,"

"Dad?"

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