Autumn has come and I am still stuck in summer, somehow unwilling to tear myself away from all that has been happening before. The weather finally releasing its unkindness, parallel to the guilty conscience burried within me. Seeing the things around me, looking at the things to realise that I had been so selfish. When I thought all was about me, that things evolve around me, and not the other way round.
It brings fear to me. That I may be just as selfish right here, right now. Leaving with such courage that I finally mustered, regardless of wherever it came from, hollow or not, refusing to fall back on anything and so unwilling to even prepare some form of safety net. I did not expect you. I did not expect you. I really didn't.
Yes I do secretly want a lot of things, greed for some luxuries that I cannot afford. Like a person to stand beside me, perhaps a shoulder, or just the mere presence and some clingy-ness. I cannot afford any of them. It does mean a lot when you came and be so kind to me. But I cannot take it from you, I don't want to take advantage of you, occupying your thoughts, your time and your space. If anything, I just want you to be happy, to be of less worry, especially of me. You should be doing great things and doing fun things, not spending time with me.
You ask me if you should wait...if I want you to wait. Selfishly, yes, I want you to wait, to be there for me, who would want their special someone who be strolling off somewhere but I cannot promise you anything, I can barely give you anything. The last thing I want is for this to get worse. Yes, I would like to have you in my winter, share some secrets with you, be around and be nice to you, I won't mind sharing my space with you, staying up late to hear you talk...but these I can't afford.
So we are somehow lost but not so lost. Thus we spend our time together in prayer, and knowing each other. So we will learn and grow and wait. That's the sweetest thing, we will wait.