i've been here.

looking back into this year make my future seems unclear. all along, i have been here. with all the words and the lil' pictures, everything around me changes. but i have just stayed here. and in the morning i will wake up and to see that the sun still shines and the day is so clear, with a lil' wind and a lil' noise from the fountain next door. and i, i choose to stay here.

if ever i knew anyone my words would make all the difference, i...would i choose it to be so? or is this the best my words can make out of me. through these years we say we all learned and the process and the steps and gained something dear, but haven't we all stayed in the same place. Reciting the same conversations, replaying the same roles. or is it just i, i who stayed here...

As the seasons are made for change, our livestimes are made for years, could i, can i choose my way to stay here, as i am, content with everything that i have. do i..am i...will i be just as contended. with people leaving and ever changing. what am i doing staying here. waiting..simply waiting just for the moment. to feel and finally have the guts to leave here.

da da da...and who so will bring me away from here..or i, i would leave here alone.


-va-
simply crappin'

=) hows life

"Life is unpredictable...Short...full of excitement but it is very sensitive and vulnerable ..wont last long ...life never work in counter clockwise...all in all life is too much to describe and define."

"Life is beautiful, even when it's sad...can be fast n peaceful in the same time. It can work counter clockwise if only u wanna make it happen..life is too much to take if you take it alone."

Life is pretty much different for everyone. But in every passing persons, you see shadows of life. There's always a structure in every lives. Of the beginning, the growth, the confusion, the breakdowns and the resurrection. of the time, the space and the end.

Life is temporariness. Life is permanent. Everything will come and go before your mind can register. Yet how could my mind remember those that went so fast I could not register. life is detailed and yes, i agree, vulnerable. breakeble. Life is protective. Though some are not protective enough to keep you from hurting but life does not allow you to be tortured for eternity. Is that why it is so short and so lenghthy in the same time?

Life is the air, the wind, the water and the nature. with the footsteps on the sand and the writings in the journals. Life is forgettable. now, forget me.


-va-

Dangerous thoughts

It is indeed a dangerous thing to let a youngster sit there, doing nothing and let his/her thoughts run wild. Just as I did. Idleness. It was so probably the meal from KFC that triggered my long asleep thoughts. How watery the whipped potato had become that reminds me of my college mates. We complaint about everything. Yes, literally everything.

Well, what else do you expect of law students? Our lecturer said we are aware of our rights and so we make noises and stuff. Sometimes I do think it is plain the joy of making other people's life miserable. Or to view it from a consumer's point of view, we are trying to make sure they keep up the standards.

And so all these suddenly reminds me of my mom's client who complainted to her that there's a sucker lawyer in Weld Quay (pronounced as W-ell k-EE). And how when my mom's client went to ask for some paperwork 'cause he changed his mind about hiring that lawyer to represent him in a real estate case, the lawyer's clerk refused to give it to him so easily. And so he said the lawyer sucks. And my brain suddenly reminded me how grateful should that lawyer be to his clerk. 'Cause if the clerk gave in right away, mom's client would be "Even the clerk sucks, can't even protect his/her boss now, can he/she?"

So that was till I realize I am insulting a potential profession of mine and then it hit me that all of the professions nowadays are being to put blame for the nature of human mistakes. How we as beings are helpless in making mistakes and how we can't help but repeating it after we just recover from the last one.

And soon, how great n wonderful that we always get the forgiveness if we can humble down and ask for it. How it is given in such grace. No matter how bad we still feel inside, we know that that someone had already take us back again, washed our wounds and we will soon be living the life afresh. ready for another challege knowing we would never fall from the same mistake again.


-va-

the feeling of loss

such long empty time since the departure... and the soundless arrival. what've happen in between? The normal day hectics, a few on going songs playing, the continuous seeking the face of the Lord and yes, God's grace...the joy He brought, the tears and laughter, the only one that I can express myself fully to...admitted my foolishness, placing my burdens...pouring my heart.

how can I put this in words... how should I pour it out right here? my loss..my loss in stringing words. He's leaving. Ignorance...my ignorance stopped me from knowing so..over the years, drawing distance in between us. creating emptiness. pursuing silence. my stupidity...those miles apart, was it just a trailer leading finally to our movie... should have known so.

A joke...yes a joke that reveals my ignorance. of me placing myself in the cocoon of my dreams. fantasy. It would have been better if there weren't any in the first place..or would it had been worse if it had not been any. the happiness in the hope gave me... it is enough for me to take the fall willingly, endure the distance, wait in his silence.. a fickle of smile, an one-word message. I've forgone my dignity, my intelligence, my rationality, my understanding. what is life without love? what is life without hope?

distance...i have suddenly decided to wait on the distance..such courage can only come from innocence. will this be the last time i let my random insanity overrule my senses. the hope. all this while I clinged on his existent...this distance. please break my hope. I could not stop. call it my wild dreams. say it's just a rush of mindlessness. tell me this is not happenning...bring me back to before knowing him.

so many times I pondered. what do I want out of this... as I speak, I wonder...will I be more cheerful if this portion can be eliminated from me.. ignorance is bliss...or is ignorance anotther excuse I made for myself. where am I now. caught again in the middle of this mess I made. my thoughts, let it swirl around me. consume me. dissolve me. break me. free me.

uncontrollable tears...

Half a globe apart. can I wait on you... wait on the Lord. Let this be a time of serenity. stay in this place waiting until my license to depart. I've missed you...



-va-