...

=) hmm...i didn't know where to look...the elevator is full of people and you know, so quiet. I mean, well...people jz don't talk in elevators 'cause everybody will be listening to the conversation. And church people are realllyyyy polite. I guess it is best to make other feel impolite and awkward. I was with him the full 20 seconds, all the way - from the top 5th floor down to the basement. So happened that I was standing near the buttons.

Oow...of course it didn't start like that. I actually prayed for the chance, and it did worked, very well in fact. But I couldn't work out the guts to speak a word. And when Eunice came to drag me away, I just went with her, all the way too, to the opposite site. WHY ON EARTH did I do that for?! Even Pam asked me why didn't I go talk to him.

So i guess that was it. All I did was smile and wave goodbye. Before he got on his car and I got on mine. which was just 3 lots away. Argh. I'm sorry...

-stumbling va-

stealth

*screams* Hee...erm... he said it!!! lolz~ I'm just speechless. speechlessly happy. =P

-va-

serenity

And so the fire broke out. I made no effort to save it. As long as you stay undisturb. I would rather be distanced than annoying. I like myself better this way. Please understand. Thank you. I miss you too.

My cup overflows.

The Lord is my sheperd,

I shall not be in want,

He makes my lie down in green pastures,

He leads my beside quiet water,

He restores my soul,

He guides me in the path of righteousness,

For His name sake.



Even though I walk through the valley of shadow of death,

I shall fear no evil,

For You are with me,

Your rod and Your staff,

They comfort me.



You prepare a table before me,

In the presence of my enemy,

You anoints my head with oil,

My cup overflows.



Surely goodness and love will follow me,

All the days of my life.

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.



Amen.



______________________________________________________________



Psalms 23. I learned this by heart for the last youth camp but kinda forgotten a lil bit of it. But there's no better Psalm that can describe my grateful heart to the Lord. Everything that is said in Psalm 23, He did them all in my life.



He gives me rest, restore my inner being, Amen.



blessed,
va

oh crap!

I'm finding some whiny words to say but I can't say "what've I done?!" 'cause that's the problem! I haven't done anything at all!!! stupido. Well, I did had good reasons for that, I mean I can't look too desparate chasing after him, as in "Oh hi, how are you, haven't talk in two weeks, we are perfectly casual about stuff...bla bla bla." see? If he disappear from the vitual world for 3 whole weeks there's nothing much I can do, as in, nothing at all that I can do. Not when he mentioned that he is looking for a part-time job at the mo'.

And who can blame anybody for being independent and stuff, that's some good stuff in guys y'know, and good guys are hard to find, so you can't blame good guys for being good guys. And the most spectacular thing is that he is back! In black! lol* nolerr..not in black, I just said that because it rhymes...well, anyway, he is back. And perfectly charming AND not answering my messages like he used to. Okay, I admit that I had never had whatever they call a woman's instinct so I should totally ignore the fact that his reactions to my courtesy is totally different since the concert, when I was obviously ducking away from him 'cause of my nervous attack. No one can blame me for being trapped in one full stressful week from morn till night and it was my 1st concert ever! And Prince Charming-WITH-GUITAR just showed up...Aww...*meltz* see?

I can't help it kay? But I really really misses him...as in when the quote said "Never give up on someone you can't go a day without thinking about" in facebook, his name totally poofed into my mind...Oh don't complaint! You are reading my journal remember? Now keep that personal already. Great, now che is shooting questions about him...==" grr...

Therefore, I have nothing better to say than, "oh crap" what the heck, I'm gonna have to go on with this whole Chinese New Year thing and then my mock exam and then my finals and probably will be leaving soon. I almost wanted to think that, okay, I'll just let him miss me and be miserable when I'm gone. Except, I don't think he's missing me. So, too bad.

Okay, anyway, if ever he might be reading this, you know who you are. And thanks, you've been great. =) and yes, I do miss you loads. *lala~*

-va-

shopaholic unleashed..lolz

LOL...did I told you guys that my Chinese New Year shopping resolution is to buy enough to wear till cho pat? Don't mind if I make a list again. It's updated one kay? Muahahaa...
1. Adidas navy polo T (Thailand MayGarden)
2. Poor Little Rich Girl T (Dubai - present from Kor)
3. Black Lycra hoodie (Esprit 40% off)
4. Cute khakis shorts (Esprit)
5. Full Print Brown Top (Esprit)
4. Europe Music Award Munich 2007 Limited T- white (Esprit)
6. Billabong denim minis (half price)
7. Billabong blue v-neck tank top (half price)
8. AIG Nike ManU football jersey (mom's present)
9. Striped shorts (Esprit)
10. White button low U neck top (Esprit)
11. 2 white tubes (momoe)
12. Short gray cardigan (MANGO)
13. 2 PJs...(Farlim flea market & Island Glades flea market)
14. White socks (Esprit)
15. Black n White Charlie Chaplin flats - dad calls them that..==" (Vinci)

WOW...summarize that. 9 tops, 3 bottoms, 2 jacket(including cardigan), a pair of socks & flats..oh and 2 Pjs...hmm...I still think I need some jeans...

So...I want...
1. a pair of Levi's.
2. a cheap blouse tht looks formal yet chick.
3. socks for my flats.
4. sandals?

Okay...i better don't greed after them so much. I think I should start saving for my next shopping spree if I keep on spending like this...T-T

well...shopping makes me happy. just so you'd know. LOL

-va-

what's good?

Well, not much of the usual crap for today. I just felt like talking like a normal person suddenly. What's good?

I got a few sets of Chinese New Year clothes...I'm kinda hoping that they can last till cho pat but so far this is what i've got:-
1. Adidas navy polo T (Thailand May Garden)
2. Poor Little Rich Girl T (Dubai - Ian's present)
3. Black Lycra hoodie (Esprit 40% off)
4. Cute khakis shorts (Esprit)
5. Full Print Brown Top (Esprit)
4. Europe Music Award Munich 2007 Limited T- white (Esprit)
6. Billabong denim minis (half price)
7. Billabong blue v-neck tank top (half price)
8. AIG football jersey (mom's present)
okay so far that is.. 6 tops, 2 bottoms and 1 jacket...hmm...I think I need some jeans...

I better make a list then..:
1. a pair of jeans. preferable Levi's.
2. a pair of quarter long pants.
3. A hoodie T top
4. a couple of blouses
5. a pair of flats
6. a cute ladylike sandals
7. a 2 piece swim suit.

okay I'm done.

I earn every bit of them k? lol, I am working hard on getting my scholarships! And yes, i think mom n dad should reward me a teeny weenie bit.

So far I've:-
1. went to see my annoying old maid headmistress to get my recommendation done.
2. certified all my photocopied certs
3. well before that, photocopied all my certs. 4 copies.

Now I just needa:-
1. pass my other 3 recommendations out.
2. collect the 3s back
3. Write my 2 statement essays
4. fill in the form

See? lol. I so deserve another shopping trip!! Muahahhahaa~~~


-va-

.untitled.

The beauty of misidentification. When one is covered up under the shade of misidentification, courage and freedom is stretched beyond the boundaries of an identified being. Just as if I am in a state of drunkenness, I would write, of such fascination. And one can say or write or think of things so out of mind that not one word made its sense, not one insult would cause any pain, no declaration would be a surprise and no love can be real.

Given a sillhoute to be someone esle in a moment. Would you have the guts to stand up, walk straight and have all the confidence in the world. Or the similar fear would still bind the spirit from being free to speak up and live every single moment of misidentification. Just as one can converse so freely in another's indentity, speaking of her mind and having no expectations of anything in a conversation that it became a light sweet free moment of true friendship.

Ask and you shall receive. But do not greed. Be hopeful of today but do not chase after anything of the world. Given whichever identity, known or not known. I shall not greed. I shall be hopeful but not greed. To have the heart to go back to the most beginning. The innocence, purity and a child-like faith.



-va-

one

Hmm...don't mind me if I ask. to my dear readers. what is you name? how'd you know it's your name in the first place? If everyone call you something esle than that does that become your name too? Or you can simply pick a word to become you name, maybe you can even pick something which is not a word to be your name? Like a painting for instance. What if you name is not your name? I don't think I'm wrong to say that one's individuality does not directly connect to one's name, or can even be absolutely a different matter than a name. Surely someone can live without a name. or with too many names.

What if...this is not me writting at all? Or it's not my words that I am speaking. maybe it's not even my own story that I am telling..or these thoughts are just too random. Wait...if there is really so little to be contained in a name, anyone at all can be of a different identity. a different name. in a different circumstance. a different environment. A sense of liberation. I am to be who I want to be.

There's nothing impressive to find out that one can be anything one thinks he is or what he wants to be once you know that the best thing that I can be is to be myself. in this moment, this place, in this name and this very protection.


-va-

the return

He doesn't know, he must not have known. that his return brought about mine. how could it be..did i not write as much when he was gone. no. perhaps not as real. i had not had this burden for some time. to pour out and write. while drunkenness in my mind. but you are going away..should this be the second last time i would see you again.

yes, i walk through the streets again. drove with my inadequate skills in hope of seeing you again. and wandered in places we've been. rejoice when Ian plan to have lunch in the same place we met before. in hope for a coincidence. i shall not be in want. the Lord is my shepherd. i shall not be in want.

i was sorry. i am sorry. and will always be sorry. for i do not possess the skill of conversing with calmness and grace with someone whom seem too much like a dream to me. of being rude and protective of taken into account too much advices. persuasion. it is not in my comfort that i had missed you. so too many times. and each time i would catch your stare. or at least know you had looked. and i had hidden. i am sorry. i must have hurt your feelings. or at least i had hurt mine.

i still watch you in silence and enjoy the moments of being invisible. my idiocy and stupidity in hope of staying that way..prayers. so i shall pray and wait upon the Lord. my wishes would be at least we can stay this way. somewhat intimate in a distanced way. without either of us noticing the presence of the other.

i assure you however that as much pain i had caused on you, it had been as much burden to me so. and every smile and your mere presence still mesmerise me. i will always and always treasure every moment of it. and rejoice in every prayer for you. thank you. for your return. and mine.

hearts.

-va-